Page 2 of Defy
My gaze fell between us to look down at my unopened hand. When I opened it, the word "pregnant" stared back at me from a white and blue stick.
I felt it.
My heart skipped a beat.
When I lifted my head, I took her in. The woman I love. "I'm gonna be a dad?" I would have never thought I could feel so many emotions at once. I wasn't prepared to be so overwhelmed. She bobbed her head up and down giving me a definite yes, then I kissed her.
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened a few days later. She wanted to wait until she confirmed the pregnancy with a doctor first before sharing the news with everyone. The following week, two days before her appointment, she woke up in the middle of the night with terrible cramping and spotting. Worry set in, so we decided to go to the emergency room. A few hours later we were back home. Completely devastated.
Bella was having a miscarriage. I held her until she cried herself to sleep. The one sound that crushes me more than anything in this world is the sound of her crying.
"Why didn't you say anything, son?" Jake lets out a hefty sigh.
"Because her sister had announced at her wedding she and Gabriel were going to have another baby. Bella's miscarriage was a week before that and she didn't want to take anything away from Alba and Gabriel's happy news. So, she asked that we keep it to ourselves for a while. A while turned into weeks and then into months. The timing was never right." I explain to him.
Jake gets quiet. The silence in the room welcoming.
"I could preach that you should have leaned on your family during your loss, but I won't because I didn't either."
I look at him confused.
"Your aunt miscarried twice. Both early in the pregnancy. I wanted to be a father so badly." His eyes start to get a distant look in them, "and she would have made a great mom. I suppose it wasn't meant to be. She clung to you though. You were the child she could never have, and she poured all her love into you. Eventually, I did the same. You became the son I always wanted."
What Jake just shared leaves me speechless. I mean, I know they never had kids, but I never thought they couldn't have them. My aunt was my second mom, and I've always looked at Jake as the father figure in my life.
"Like you, it got to me at times. The hurt would turn into anger. Never at her but because I kept the pain to myself. She shared it with your mom, but I don't think she ever told anyone else. I understand more than you know what you're going through and feeling, Logan. I've been there." He bares a piece of himself to me. "You need to take some time off from work- from life for a while."
"We are swamped around here. There is no way I can take time off from work now," I explain. Maybe I should say fuck it and leave town with Bella. I could contact my dad and see about using the house he has in Aspen. A place away from everyone and everything to get back to us. To finally take the time we need to heal. "I'll stay late to finish the bike I'm working on now. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone, but if you're certain you guys can hold things down around here I might be gone by the end of the week." I tell him.
"You come back when the time is right," Jake affirms. Standing, he pulls me in for a hug and claps me on the back.
I leave his office feeling somewhat lighter than I did before. The rest of the day goes smoother than it has in weeks. I finally find my groove, and by nightfall, I have the bike finished, and I'm closing the shop.
On the ride home, I reminisce about the last trip I took Bella on. It was right after her sister went to college. Never being anywhere outside Montana, I took her to the Bahamas. I booked a small cottage right on the beach, secluded enough it felt like we were on a deserted island. Seeing her in a bikini every day was a bonus. We only stayed one week, but it proved to be the best week of my life.
Eloping never crossed my mind. I always assumed Bella wanted to have a big wedding, yet one night as we were sitting on the beach watching the sunset the mood struck me. I turned to her, and the words fell out my mouth, "Marry me tomorrow." I hadn't even sucked in a new breath of air when she turned her face towards me with a smile and said, "Okay." I was dead serious. It turned out; she was too. Oh, I knew she was going to get some lip from her sister and her friends, and I mentioned it to her. She, in turn, said, "It's about what we want." And, she was right.
The next morning, we went to town and picked our wedding bands out together, and I found someone who could marry us at sunset. The only thing I wasn't allowed to see was the dress she stopped to purchase.
That evening I stood alone with the officiator at sunset just outside our cottage and watched her walk towards me. Fuck, the image of her still steals my breath. I couldn't tell you what type of material the dress was or who designed it; I only know that it looked like it fit her body like it was made just for her. It was an off-white, goddess-like dress. All I could process at that moment while standing on the white sand beach was each barefoot step she took towards me was one step closer to touching her. One step closer to our forever. An entire week I had her to myself with no distraction.
Returning to the present, I lay the hammer down eager to get home.
