Page 2 of Dragon Chosen
“No…”
Every single time the dessert course was brought to the table, Mother shook her head, saying she wouldn’t partake. Behind closed doors, she instructed Rose and me to do the same. My sister followed her lead, going pale each time a cake or pudding was passed before her, but I… Sometimes I couldn’t seem to say no. Both of them watched me take every bite, Rose looking almost sad, but that was nothing compared to Mother’s simmering rage.
“Sometimes your mother gorges herself until she’s sick.” Agnes said that almost guiltily. “If you listen to what her chamber maids say. Now, if I can get her waist down to the same size it was before you and your sister were born, milady, I’m sure I can get you into that dress.”
But at what cost?
Many young women eschewed corsets now. Mother was sure this was a sure sign of the collapse of civilisation, but as the country had moved from being ruled absolutely by the king to a constitutional monarchy, social mores had changed. Even all the way out here, at Father’s estate, news filtered through of the changes to society, the law, and of course, fashion. Women had started wearing different dresses, inspired by the former king’s bride to be, or even pants and tunics, like the royal dragon riders. I’d broached the idea with Mother, only to be met with withering disdain.
“A woman’s role is to be decorative, pleasing, and to bear her husband children,” she told me. “What man would find pleasure being with a woman that looks like a man?”
I didn’t have an answer, because my heart’s response would have got me in even deeper trouble. Whatever she wants, that’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t dare. That same acceptance of my fate was what had me stepping into the corset now. As the first laces tightened, as I felt the whalebone and stiff fabric close around me, I tried to stuff it down. Fear, pain, resignation, and last of all, anger.
It was the feeling I never dared express, because if it fought its way free, it would burn this whole estate down as surely as a dragon’s flame. That need to stay quiet, still, compliant kept me pinned to the spot as Agnes began to grunt, pulling the corset tighter and tighter.
I can’t breathe!That was my first panicked thought, but this was the way I always responded when I wore a corset, so I stayed silent, only for the corset to winch tighter. My mouth was forced open, not to say a word, but to suck air in greedily, but soon that was a luxury I could no longer afford. My ribs, my diaphragm moved with each breath, and if they couldn’t expand, I couldn’t fill my lungs. A burning sensation started in my chest.This is just fear, I told myself.Calm down and you’llbe able to breathe fine. Just calm down.Slower breaths. Slight inhale and longer exhale and then?—
“I’m going to have to put the boot into it.”
Agnes sounded apologetic, didn’t she? I could barely hear her over the frantic throb of my heart. It was being terribly disobedient, beating faster and faster, so my breath tried to keep pace. Then I felt Agnes wrench on the laces, something hard and unrelenting landing on my back. I wanted to beg her to stop, but I couldn’t make a sound, not when I was fighting for breath.
This will be fine.
It was the same thing I’d told myself every night as I went to bed with a stomach aching with hunger. It was what I told the maids, the footmen, when they saw me falter, feeling suddenly dizzy. It was what I told Father when he came to my rooms to discuss his concerns. It was fine, because it had to be. Father tried to tell me that there were men out there who would like me for who I was, that he was perfectly content for me to stay in the house until I found a man worthy of being my husband. That he didn’t want to see me married off to someone who wouldn’t make me happy. He’d winced then, an almost imperceptible thing, forcing me to wonder if he meant Rose’s marriage or his to Mother.
But he understood the world from the perspective of a man. They could toss aside rank, class, family, everything in pursuit of their own happiness. There would be consequences, but none as harsh as those for women. Men did what they wished and women… We supported them on that endeavour. If I couldn’t find a man of the same rank or better to marry me, then what? I’d become an old maid, cared for by my father until he died, then forced upon Rose, to lurk in her house, unwanted and unneeded. A burden she was forced to carry.
I didn’t want that.
Put on the dress, walk downstairs, and…
My fingers moved of their own accord, my blunt nails raking across the corset. The fabric was tough enough that I left no damage, and that was heartening and terrifying at the same time. I couldn’t ruin this very expensive corset.
But I also couldn’t escape it.
“Agnes…” I could barely hear my own voice over my rapid heartbeat.
“Nearly there, milady!” she grunted.
“Agnes…!” I threw my head back, as if that would help me breathe better, but it failed to do anything to relieve the burn in my chest. “Agnes, I can’t?—”
“You can… milady.” Another grunt. “You’ll be…pretty as… a picture.”
“No…” I barely rasped that out, the two of us now stuck in a tug of war. I yanked at the front of the corset, desperate for just a little more air as she pulled the laces tighter. “No, Agnes…” Then some animal instinct kicked in. My arms had felt like rubber noodles the entire time I was on this ridiculous diet, but all of a sudden, all my strength returned. My hands gripped the bodice of the corset, dragging it forward and with that tiny gap I sucked in a breath and then shouted, “NO!”
Agnes stumbled back and I felt a flush of shame at her startled expression. I’d make amends afterwards. One yank, then another and the laces started to give. Air, precious air, was sucked in my lungs, and then my head finally started to clear.
“Milady, I’m sorry…” Agnes held her hands out as if to ward me off. “I thought…”
“You…” I swallowed, my mouth bone dry. “You did nothing wrong. I…” The corset finally fell to the ground and I stepped free of it. “I can’t. I just can’t?—”
“Understood, milady.” She bobbed a quick curtsey. “But you must understand…”
How would my mother react? That was what went unsaid. What would Agnes be held responsible for?
“Go,” I wheezed, gesturing to the door. “Go and inform Lady Rochester that I can’t…” No, can’t was too weak of a word for it. “I won’t be wearing a corset or that dress.” My head swung from side to side. “If that means becoming an old maid, then so be it.” Our eyes gazed into the others. “Blame me, because the punishment she deals out for me will be far milder than one she inflicts on you.”
“Thank you, milady.”
