Page 64 of Heartsong
Coming home now included a tangled knot of emotions. It lodged behind her sternum, at once nervous butterflies of anticipation and a sloshing wave of nausea. Sometimes, she found herself standing in front of her door, keys dangling from her fingers.
Go in before someone sees you lurking in front of your own apartment,she chided herself.
But she’d hesitate. Once she opened that door, she’d be home, with him, and it would be wonderful.
That night was no different.
She’d barely taken the key from the lock before the door swung open and Frey swept her inside. Then it was a spectacle of gargoyle and cat, both purring like motorboats, welcoming her home.
“How are you today,cân fy nghalon?” he asked between gentle kisses to her temples.
“Fine. Just a normal day.” Which wasn’t quite a lie. Not as much as other days when she said the same thing. She never really had a normal day, not after catching the Gwyneths having a conversation with no sound. Now, she noticed small things every day. And maybe it was a growing paranoia, but she swore things were going wrong or that she was being watched. Or followed. But all she told him wasJust a normal day.
She didn’t want the argument or the lecture. And she didn’t want to ruin the cozy, romantic domesticity of coming home to Frey.
Dinner was delicious—he was a bit obsessed with the seared or broiled meat and seasoned vegetable combo, but it was always warm and hearty and oozing with effort. Even if it was burnt or too salty, Anna ate it with a smile.
They played card games and told stories and watched TV snuggled on the couch. She let him drape her like a blanket over him and always sighed happily when her cheek found that divot between his pectorals. It fit perfectly, and she listened to the drum of his heart all evening.
For all her worrying during the day, in the evenings, Anna couldn’t help playing along. Once she was in it, she didn’t want it to stop. Being with him was easy, and so was getting swept away in his fantasy. It was easy to forget all her vows and stipulations. It was easy to let herself be the center of his world.
Never much of a hugger, Anna hadn’t realized how starving she was for physical touch until she had all she wanted and more. Some nights it was difficult to pull herself away and go to bed alone. The blankets weren’t as warm as him, the bed not as comforting.
Spending the evenings being lavished with affection would soften anyone, and Anna was no different.
But when she woke up in the morning and watched him turn to stone, her heart hurt. When she left the apartment and breathed that first breath of cool foggy air, she came to her senses. With a mental slap, she could put her defenses back in place, her logic and reasoning and knowledge that this would never work, not really.
She needed the reminder—even if, day by day, it took a little longer to talk herself back into her senses.
It was easier, though, on bad days. Headache days. Days when crappy things happened.
Which, honestly, were happening a lot lately. Anna was used to headache days and just generally crappy days, too. Coffee burning her tongue. Missing the crosswalk light and having to wait through another interminable traffic cycle. The computer wigging outagain.
But even for her, things seemed crappier than normal.
She twisted her ankle one day and had to limp through her shift. Her neurology appointment got pushed back a week. Every grocery store within walking distance ran out of Captain’s kibble, which meant trying a new type, which he promptly vomited up, which meant a speech from Frey about why kibble wasn’t food and Captain should get the chicken he made him for dinners for breakfast too, which meant Anna had to go back to the store for more chicken.
It wasa lot,enough to send anyone running for the comfort of home. And Anna did—straight into the arms of her more than accommodating gargoyle. She let him cook, she let him cuddle, she let him end her crappy day on a better note.
All of it only added to the morning talking-to she gave herself on the walk to work, though. As the days wore on, she realized letting Frey do all this for her was a crutch.
Anna never liked being dependent. Just like love, it was a hard fall when all of it came crashing down.
But she didn’t know how to stop. It was…addicting.
The realization had her actually groaning one afternoon, making a few coworkers look at her askance in the breakroom. She hid her burning face in her hands, trying to stop the world from spinning.
She wasn’t just getting used to Frey, she was coming to need him. And that wasn’t okay. Not for her. If her crappy childhood had taught her anything, it was that needing someone not only led to disappointment but crisis when they failed to show up.
Anna’s phone vibrated in her pocket, drawing her out of the dark little hideaway of her hands. Rubbing her eyes, she pulled out her phone and almost groaned again.Speak of the devil.
Her mom.
Great. Just great. This week had been crap from start and now finish.
Hot on the heels of the first, another text came in.
Who was Wes? What had happened with Chaz? Anna didn’t have a clue. Didn’t have a care, either.
