Page 78 of Laila Manning
It was stupid in hindsight to credit mind-blowing sex with trauma healing. I knew that. But I couldn’t explain it in any other way than how feeling the ecstasy and the connection forged between us when we were in bed changed the hormones inside of my brain to just kind of—relax.
It wasn’t just the orgasms either, as earth-shattering as they were. It was something deeper than that. I felt refreshed when I woke up and felt the sunshine streaming through the blinds. Normally, I’d contemplate my need to get up and out of bed, trying to come up with any reason to stay buried under the blankets in my safety cocoon. Yet today, I was up with the sun and ready to face just about anything theworld tried to throw at me. Believe me, I’d been served my fair share of shit sandwiches by the world, so that was saying something.
And stop number one for my fresh and easy-going morning—Carly.
I had seen no one since the gala, thanks to Zeke’s intent to keep me naked and screaming his name all day yesterday, not that I was complaining. But she had been going through some deep shit when I last saw her, and I wanted to check in.
Even if I knew the conversation had the potential to derail this sunshiny feeling that bloomed deep inside of me.
When I walked up her front path, I had hoped she would be on the porch, as usual, with a cup of coffee and a welcoming smile. But her chair was empty, and I felt uncertainty trying to claw its way up my neck at what that meant.
Did she not want me to visit?
Was she mad that I couldn’t deliver Jed to her like she needed at the gala?
Was she mad at me?
Before I could dwell on my insecurities and let it darken my mood, I climbed her stairs and gently knocked on her front door.
“Come in, Laila.” Carly’s voice called from inside, and I entered her serene space, something that used to cause such panic inside of me, yet lately, it only gave me mild prickles of unease.
And today, nothing.
“Hey.” I said, sliding my shoes off and nodding to her where she sat curled up on the couch with a book and a fluffy blanket. “Is it okay that I’m here?”
Her nose scrunched up, and she closed her book. “Why wouldn’t it be okay for you to be here?”
“Well—,” I paused and sat down at the other end of the couch. “You weren’t out on the porch.” I stated plainly.
She rolled her eyes and patted my knee before tossing part of her blanket over my lap, welcoming me into her comfort. “I’m avoiding your brother.” She pursed her lips, “If I’m on the porch, he can keep eyes on me through the security cameras.”
I smirked at her wisdom, “But if you’re inside, he’s dark. Sneaky, I like it.” I relaxed on the couch. “What happened after—” I paused, not sure what to call it exactly since I wasn’t sure what she knew, “After I left the gala?”
She took a deep breath and played with a string on the blanket, “I’m not pregnant.” She shrugged her shoulders and tears welled in her blue eyes as she huffed and stared at the ceiling. “I can’t seem to stop fucking crying about it, though.”
I fought the urge to remove myself from the situation completely, and instead slid closer to her, taking her hand in mine with a gentle smile. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I do want you to know I’ll listen if you do.”
She chuckled and rested her head on my shoulder, wrapping both arms around mine and taking a couple more deep breaths. “I didn’t expect you to be the calm, cool, and collected one while I was having a freak out.” She joked, “But I kind of like leaning on you.” She tapped her head against my shoulder for emphasis before sitting back upright. “I don’t quite know why I’m sad. I didn’t want to be pregnant at the gala, the idea alone terrified me.” She sighed, and I squeezed her hand, giving her my silent support while she worked through it. “Yet, I think a part of me is disappointed that it was negative. Does any of that make sense?”
“You can be terrified of something and still want it.” I replied, looking down at our arms linked together. “I used to be terrified of physicaltouch,” I patted her arm, “And now look at us.” She chuckled again, even as her tears slid over her lashes. “But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still scare the shit out of me. It just means I’m choosing to welcome the benefits of it without dwelling on the negatives that could maybe come from it as well.”
“Well, when you put it that way.”
“Do you know what it is about the idea of parenthood that freaks you out?” I questioned.
She shook her head, “That’s what’s weird. I love babies, and I love little Gavin with everything inside of me. There isn’t a day that goes by without me wanting to be involved in his everyday life, and I spend so much time with him that I can honestly say it’s not the responsibility or burden of parenthood that scares me.”
“Then what is it?”
She looked at me with wide eyes and whispered, “I think it’s the chance of bringing a perfectly innocent little baby into this world just for it to chew them up and spit them out.” My heart seized in my chest as I realized what her fears were, deep down. She wasn’t naïve about the cruelty of the world, especially the one she lived in, and after being kidnapped, trafficked, and assaulted, she was well within her rights to be terrified. “I wouldn’t survive something bad happening to my baby, especially if it was because of the life I chose to live.”
“I get it.” Nodding my head, I offered my complete understanding. “No one in the world will grasp your fears like I do, Carly.”
“So, you don’t think I’m crazy?” She cringed, “Or selfish?”
“Did Jed call you selfish?” I scowled at her, feeling anger building in my chest for the injustice he delivered to her trauma.
“Not in as many words.” She sighed, “He just aches to be a dad, and I’ve been able to hold him off so far with small excuses, but I thinkthis—scare, lit a fire inside of him that made him realize he really wants a baby.”
