Page 299 of Satan's Spawn
Even with all the practice I had with Rebecca…handling other people’s emotions still feels like holding Jell-O in my fist.
“This shit is my fault. Not yours.” I shift my weight to face him. “You’ve done everything humanly possible to prove you fucking love me, but I refused to accept it. Hell, believe it.” When he looks down I clear my throat. “Maybe this is for the best.”
There’s actual anger reddening his face when he looks at me. “The best? Really? You’re fucking leaving, Crayton! I’m losing my only son.”
I pull out my Bic from my pocket to keep my hands busy. “It won't be forever. Five years tops.” I flick the top, allowing the tiny flame to dance above my finger. “Look at it this way…I’ll have no choice but to reflect on my actions. You know, the ones you stayed bitching about?”
Dad laughs, but it’s hollow. “So what’re you saying? There’s a chance you’ll be coming out of prison having found Jesus?”
I try not to gag. “Let’s just say the goal is to come out a better person.”
This seems to settle him a bit.
“I’m scared, son. Do you know how hard that is for a man to admit?”
Shit, I know more than anyone. Which is why I’ve been glued to Rebecca’s side for the last two weeks.
“I’m scared too.”
He looks my way through the corner of his eye. “Yeah?”
“Fuck yeah…” I puff, flicking the lighter again. “Of a lot of shit.”
“Like what?”
I lean back on the couch, knowing there’s no better time than the day before you turn yourself in to authorities to let the man who saved you know you’ll miss him.
“Letting you guys down. Being unable to fix the shit broken inside my head.” I crack my neck, the fear of what I'm about to say already being too heavy to carry. “Not coming out the other end of this worthy of you or Rebecca.”
“And here I am thinking you were gonna say the inmates.”
I’m more worried about the shit I’ll end up doing to one of them. I have an ace in my pocket, though, when they find out I’m in for almost killing a rapist.
“Nah, why should I? I’m likeable as fuck.”
He ignores that for good reason, and inhales a deep breath. “I admire the positivity, son. I’m already seeing the changes you’re trying to make, and it truly makes me proud. You’re taking accountability for your actions, finding ways to fix your mistakes. I won’t lie and say I don’t agree this time away might be good for you.” There’s a hint of sadness pinching the features on his face. “It’s just gonna kill me to see you go.”
Dad starts breaking down, turning my discomfort into acid indigestion. I scoot closer to him anyway, patting him awkwardly on the back as his face gets lost in his hands for the second time.
“I’m gonna miss you too, old man. But we both know there was no way out of paying for the shit Iactuallydid to Felix.”
Not like the countless other activities he, and the courts, aren't aware of. Courtesy of law enforcement’s disregard of child predators.
My father nods, breaking away from his palms with a dragged inhale. Then he shakes the emo off him like a leaf. “You’re absolutely right. Legally that is.” His jaw goes tight. “But honorably? I would’ve made sure that motherfucker was actually dead.”
Shit. Didn’t realize his bleeding heart can trickle black.
“Sorry my violence doesn’t live up to your moral standards.”
He purses his lips. “I mean, if you’re gonna do the unthinkable, don’t fucking half ass it.”
I lunge for my Dad, wrestling him under my arm for a headlock, but to my surprise the asshole manages to lock me in one instead.
“You know what they say…” He chuckles in my ear. “It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch out for.”
When he releases me I hit him with one more shove to his arm. “Dick.”
“Underachiever.”
