Page 40 of Danger Close
“I’ve lived a certain way for almost as long as Trinity’s been alive. Things like that kinda re-wire your brain.” I could understand that. My brain has altered in the last thirty years. And not for the better. “It didn’t occur to me that it would be anything more than a little unsettling because thisisa safe place for you.”
He gently knocked the side of his fist against the door frame, before putting it back behind him.
“No one here will harm you. I didn’t realize that you wouldn’t see that right away.” He chewed his lower lip for a moment, and I felt his gaze on my cheek. It felt like a touch, or a plea for me to turn my head. To look at him. But I didn’t. “What I’m saying is that I wouldn’t hurt you, Teri. The idea of causing you harm is abhorrent to me.”
I finally did look up, answering his gaze with one of my own. I looked between his eyes, absorbing what color was there, shining in the fire light.
“My brain isn’t wired normal anymore, and it might make me…” The muscle in his jaw ticked. “Inconsiderate?”
His hazel-green eyes looked at me with a sparkle of amusement, mixed with the slumped shoulders of embarrassment.
“If you need anything from me, you shouldn’t be scared to ask.” He nodded, as if he’d finally gotten to what he wanted to say. “I don’t know what’s happened to you in the time we’ve been apart. I’d like to find out. I want to know why you flinch away from me. Why do you always look at me like I’m about to hit you.”
He’d noticed? I usually hide it so much better. I wrapped my arms around my torso, pulling his jacket firmly shut around me as if it was armor. As if it could hide the nakedness I felt at his keen observation.
“I’d like for you to tell me one day. I’d like for you to really believe that I would never hit you. And I’d like to not work so damn hard to keep space between us, so I don’t scare you.”
He gestured to the space between us. He’d left half a room of distance, plastering himself against the wall by the door. I had not realized that was intentional.
I noticed the sound of stirring pots and the washing dishes had ceased.
“I plan to be in Trinity’s life from now on. I intend to be a father, and maybe one day, God willing,” he rapped his knuckles against the wooden wall then put it behind him again, “a grandfather.”
He tilted his head. He leaned slightly to peer out the open door. He’d noticed the silence as well.
“You and I would be in that boat together, you get me?” He continued as if he hadn’t noticed the eerie silence. “I wouldn’t mind you and I trying to be on the same page.”
I swallowed, finally confessing to a realization that threatened to shatter me.
“You really were a spy, then?” I said on a breath, prying my eyes from his, and staring into the fire.
“Of course, I was. What did you think I left for?”
I shrugged as a tear fell down my cheek. It was a tear of humiliation and defeat. A tear of absolute sorrow for the girl I had been. For the fool I was.For the fool I still am.
“I thought… I thought you had lied. I thought…” The words lodged in my throat, but I had to spit it out. I had to say it for my own sake. “I thought that maybe you had another family. Or, maybe you didn’t want that life. You didn’t want me. The baby. That you’d just…”
“Abandoned you.” He finished the thought for me.
“For months, I heard nothing. After almost a year, I just thought…” I had fucked it all up. I had ruined us. I had ruined myself.
I assumed that all my tragedies were of my own making. I had earned my misery through my own mistakes. But this? I had blamed him, and hated him for thirty years when the only person I had to blame was the one who stared back at me in the mirror.
“Damnit!” His head fell back onto the wall with a thud. “Teri… please…”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, frantically wiping the tears away with the sleeves of his jacket, only for more to fall. “I’m sorry.”
“Please, Teri.” His voice was a plea. Almost a whine. “Can I hold you? Please?”
I looked up at him in surprise. He looked like he was fighting invisible chains that kept him on that wall. Was he holding himself back because he did not think I wanted his touch? That I didn’t crave him, even now?
I nodded, giving him my consent. He shook his head. “I need you to say it, baby. I don’t know if I’m just seeing what I want to see, and I don’t want to hurt you. So, please–”
“Yes. Please. Hold me,” I whispered.
He lunged forward, picking me up bridal style, spinning so that he sat on the bed with me in his lap, his arms wrapped around me.
It was so natural to place my head on his shoulder, tucking my forehead into his throat, his beard ticking the crown of my head. He squeezed me to him, his strong arms a comfort I didn’t know I needed. His tenderness brought even more tears, and he let me cry into his shirt, my fingers fisting his collar, as his massive chest muffled my sobs.
