Page 10 of Lily
6
LILY
The driver of the car service car I ordered puts his earbuds in as he pulls away from the park. Usually, I'd be concerned that I'm being driven by someone that isn't utilizing all his senses, but the way I want to cry right now, I'm glad he can't hear me.
I thought the date was going so well, but then he had to go and ruin it by implying I’m a slut for wanting to get close to him.
I admit that I may have pushed it further than even I planned for it, but I felt so much in that perfect moment that I thought we were on the same page.
I’ve never opened up to anyone the way I opened up with him. I don’t talk about my broken family with people. I don’t like the feeling I get when people feel pity for me when they hear about what I went through. Besides, there are people out in the world who've dealt with way worse parents, and they turned out just fine. Why am I the one that still feels like I'm missing a piece of me?
The car pulls to a stop in front of my apartment building, just as another car pulls up behind us. I jump out and almost make it in the door before Ben is right there behind me.
“Please, let me explain,” he pleads.
“Oh, I think you said enough for one night.” I turn and stomp up the steps to my apartment.
"It's not what you think; I didn't mean what you think I meant." He follows behind me.
I shove my key into the lock, clicking it before pushing open the door and heading inside. I don’t bother listening to anything else he has to say, closing the door in his face.
“Lily!” He knocks three times on the door. “I wasn’t pushing you away. It wasn’t anything you did.”
I press my back to the door. The tears that I thought I’d cried out in the car threaten to spill again.
“I'm a virgin, and I didn't know how to tell you."
What?!
“What?” I turn around and pull open the door. “Did you just say?”
“Yes.”
“So back there would have—”
“Yep.”
I open up my mouth to ask a million other questions, but none of them seem to find their way out.
I’m just staring at this cute guy in front of me, and suddenly he looks different. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me feel like I know him that much more. I think about the book I read today, and I remember how I felt that Ben and the main character seemed so alike, but I didn’t know exactly why. There was no way of knowing this truth about Ben before this moment, but I knew he was holding something back.
"If you want me to leave, I will, but I needed you to know that I wasn't rejecting you." He presses his hand against his chest over his heart. "I panicked. I didn't know how to tell you because I didn't want you to reject me. I've never met anyone I wanted to open up with the way I opened up with you. It was so effortless with you. I felt seen for the first time, and it was both wonderful and terrifying."
"I don't have one specific reason. I waited to have sex,” he continues. “But I think that a part of me was waiting for you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
He shakes his head. “I’ll go. I just had to explain myself.”
I reach out and grab his arm, and whisper, "Don't go."
Ben's gaze searches mine. I don't know what he's looking for, but I hope he finds what he needs. He steps into the apartment and pushes the door shut with a click.
“You sure about this?”
I raise one eyebrow at him. “Areyousure?”
He nods once. "Absolutely.”
