Page 19 of Connie
After watching the latest 007 film we headed across the street for pizza and a few drinks.
As the night went on I realised that I couldn’t remember the last time I had such a laugh with someone that wasn’t a member of my family or Fin. I know it’s sad but it made me feel more alive than I had in ages. I’ve worked so many hours that going out and letting my hair down was very low on my priority list.
It turned out that Elliot had been dropped off by his sister so he could have a drink and was planning on getting a taxi back so I offered him a ride home.
I shocked myself when I pulled into our village by asking him if he wanted to come back to mine for a drink. He doesn’t live that far away so he could walk home easily.
Well a drink turned into a little kiss and that little kiss turned into a lot of sex! I was equally thrilled as I was gutted that I’d put myself out there to sleep with someone else. As much as I wanted Fin to be the only person I ever slept with I knew it was a fantasy.
We had a great night and it turned into a regular thing. We tried to keep it on the down low because I was worried about it somehow getting back to Ruben but as the weeks turned into months we were often out and about together. I’m surprised that one of Ruben’s friends didn’t dob us in.
I’ll always be grateful to Elliot because he helped bring out my confidence in the bedroom and discover what I liked. My only experience up until that point was Fin being in charge or me alone with my vibrator. I couldn’t hide my utter shock one night when he asked if I owned one. My embarrassment and the answer must have been clear as day on my face because he reached straight over to the top drawer of my bedside table and pulled it out. He then introduced me to the fun that two people could have with such a toy. Needless to say I placed a few big orders for new toys for us to experiment with not long after!
The closer it got to Ruben and Fin’s return the more nervous and excited I got. I missed Ruben terribly, he rang me every week but it wasn’t enough. I needed him home. Fin though, I was both desperate to see and terrified at the same time. A lot could change in six months, but at the same time nothing could change. He could come back and want me, just like I still want him or he could still believe his last words to me and things could be well untruly over between us. Not that anything ever really started.
One look at him that first time he walked into our house when they got back and I knew more than I ever had that I wanted him. When our eyes connected, my brown to his blue, it was like I had been beaten across the chest with a baseball bat. I ached, physically ached for him.
If only I knew that it was only going to lead to even more heartache.
Fin
Present…
I wake with a start, I’m sweating and my heart is pounding in my chest from my fitful sleep plagued with memories of how badly I’ve treated Connie over the years. It takes a while for my foggy brain to clear but when it does I see her face. It’s as clear as the day she looked at me, her heart was breaking right in front of my eyes. It killed me to know I was doing that to her but it was for the best. Every fibre in my body was telling me it was for the best, well apart from my heart. That was breaking along with hers.
Nine months ago…
Was it the right decision? I had no idea but it was the one I had made. I was going to leave for Australia without seeing Connie. It would be easier that way.
Somehow I’ve managed to pretty much keep her at arms length since her twenty-first birthday. It’s damn near killed me to do it but I know it’s for the best. She deserves more than me. She deserves more than a man that just wants a woman for pleasure. Committing to a woman means that I’ll give her my heart and by giving her my heart it means that she’ll take it with her when she goes, wherever that might me. She could leave me, because let’s be honest, I’ll do something stupid, or she’ll die. Everyone dies, whether its in body, mind or both, so why not her. Once she finds out the truth she won’t want to stick around anyway not that I’d want to burden her with all my shit.
All I had left to do was say goodbye to my dad and ensure the carer I had arranged was all set to look after him but I had a couple of questions for Ru before our departure. Seeing as my calls went unanswered I decided to pop over and ask him in person. I didn’t even think that Connie would be there, she is still usually at work at this time of night. The last thing I expected to find when I let myself into their house was her sat on the sofa.
My heart literally skipped a beat when she admitted that she didn’t want me to go. I’m not stupid, I knew how she still felt about me but I had no intention of ever acting on it again. But knowing my leaving was affecting her so badly weakened my resolve. The need to touch her became too great; I had to pull her to me. The second our bodies touched, mine started to relax, I didn’t even realise I was tense. The prospect of leaving was obviously playing on my mind more than I realised.
It all happened so fast, one second I was just holding her, comforting her and the next I had her up against the wall naked and panting for me.
I should have backed away, I should have but I couldn’t. I’ve never been able to walk away from Connie so why would I think I would be able to now?
It wasn’t until the euphoria left my body that I realised what I’d done.
What I said to her afterwards still haunts me. It was so far from the fucking truth it was laughable. I didn’t think she would believe me but I had obviously done a better job than I thought I had at showing her she wasn’t who I wanted. All the girls I’d brought back obviously had the desired effect because when I started telling her I wanted a woman not a girl she didn’t argue. I’d always tried to pull chicks that were the opposite of Connie so I couldn’t compare them, but it didn’t work. I always compared them and no one ever came close to Connie’s perfection. The skinny fake chicks never held a candle to Connie.
I had to fight with myself all night not to go to her and tell her it was all lies, that she was the only one I wanted, have ever wanted. It was only the thought of Ruben that stopped me. He would choose her over me and I would be left alone, with dad, great! I needed my adopted family more than I needed to do the one thing that would make me feel complete.
The next morning I’d almost convinced myself not to go. I’d planned it all out. I’d admit to Ruben what was really going on with my dad, I knew he had his suspicions about him but I shot him down every time he brought it up not wanting to admit it out loud. He would then believe I couldn’t leave him alone and it would mean I’d get to stay and see if Connie would forgive me. Maybe we would have a chance with Ruben on the other side of the world. By the time he would come back maybe he would be on side. Unfortunately there were a few too many maybe’s in that scenario so I stuck with my plans, got up early grabbed my bags and headed to the Foster’s house so they could drive us to the airport.
I shouldn’t have been surprised that Connie didn’t come with us. I hated myself for hurting her so badly that she didn’t feel she could come to say goodbye to her brother at the airport but it was for the best. If I left with her hating me it might be easier for her to forget about me. My plan was that by the time I came back she would have moved on.
What I wasn’t anticipating was the pain I would be in when I realised that had happened.
My first port of call when we returned six months later was obviously my dad. I’d had almost daily contact with the carer so I knew he was doing okay, yes he’d deteriorated further since I’d left but that was expected. I didn’t appreciate from thousands of miles away how much of a shock that deterioration was going to be. I guess to the carer it was small because she saw him every day, but to me after six months it was huge and I felt guilty as hell for going. I fought with myself for a long time as to whether to go or not but in the end my selfish side got the better of me and I decided I needed to live while I could. After all if I inherited the bad genes from either my mum or dad I was pretty much fucked.
“Stevie, I haven’t seen you for ages, how’ve you been?”
“Dad, it’s me, Fin.”
“Oh Stevie, always the joker. When are mum and dad back, I’m hungry?”
