Page 29 of Connie
I look at Fin and see pure horror fill his face and I know exactly what is coming next, I can read him like a book.
“You need to leave,” he says coldly looking straight past me and to his dad.
“Fin, don’t. I want to help.”
“NO,” he snaps, “just go. Please,” he adds sounding totally defeated.
“Don’t send my May away,” Fred says sternly and grips my hand even harder. “We’re going to have dinner as a family. Where’s Finley and William?”
I see Fin look to the heavens out of the corner of my eye. He runs his hands through his hair and tugs so hard that I’m worried it’s going to come out.
“You’ll stay won’t you, Stevie?” Fred asks Fin but he doesn’t respond, he just walks silently over to the sink, places his hands on the edge and hangs his head between his shoulders.
“Fred, let’s go and get you sat in front of the TV while dinner cooks.” I give him a gentle tug and he follows me towards the living room. I get him sat in what I presume is his chair and put a quiz show on the TV. I leave the remote with him in case he wants to change it.
I’m just about to leave the room when he stops me.
“May, I really have missed you. Can we have my favourite for dinner to celebrate?”
“Of course, Fred, whatever you want,” I state confidently even though I have no clue what his favourite food is.
When I return to the kitchen Fin is exactly where I left him. It causes me actual pain to see him hurting so much and I hate that I had no clue. I should have pushed harder to find out what was going on, he should not be doing this alone.
“Fin,” I say and place my hand on his back.
He doesn’t say anything, he just flinches away from my touch. I try really hard not to let that effect me but the tears come anyway, for him, for Fred, for our baby, I don’t know but I end up crying again.
I just about manage to keep them as silent tears and I move over to the smashed glass on the floor to start picking it all up.
I’ve got a few of the bigger bits in my hand when he booming voice stops me.
“STOP.”
Fin
I eventually pull myself together enough to call a taxi and get home from the hopsital. I should go back to work but my head is not in the right place for that. Instead after paying the driver I head inside to make sure Dad is okay then I walk out to my favourite place.
I haven’t been out here in forever and I have to fight with the overgrown plants and weeds to get there but eventually I find the tree. The tree that got hit with lightening when I was a kid. It basically split in half and it left a nice place to make dens and hideaways, all that kind of stuff kids do. Now though it is where I come to get away from everything, just sit and look over the countryside beyond in the quiet.
I think back over the last couple of months and Connie not feeling her best. Well I guess that makes sense now. She must have known. Why didn’t she tell me? Maybe for the same reasons I’ve never wanted kids. Maybe she doesn’t want kids with me, doesn’t think I’ll be good enough. I couldn’t argue with her if that’s the case, I’m pretty sure I won’t be any good at the dad thing. I can only just about look after myself and my dad, that is nothing compared to a helpless baby.
Although I understand I’m still pretty pissed off that she didn’t tell me. I did half the work of making it. Wait, here I am presuming it’s mine. No, it’s mine, it’s got to be. The woman said eleven weeks. I grab my phone and look at the calendar. No it’s got to be mine, Connie said she wasn’t with anyone else after we started sleeping together after her birthday night.
Thinking that it could be someone else’s actually makes me panic more than the prospect of it being mine. I mean, I love Connie, I know I probably don’t have the best way of showing it but I do and I want to have a normal life with her more than anything. Do all those things that couples do, move in together, get engaged, get married and have a couple of kids. I can’t do those things though, I won’t pile my baggage on to her. She’s better off finding a decent guy who can focus all his energy on her, not split it between her and his disastrous life.
I think about the little black and white image on the computer screen. I may have only looked at it for a few seconds but the image is burned to my memory. My baby.
I realise in that moment that I need to get my life under control so that I can be there for my baby in whatever capacity it will be.
I glance back at the house.
Dad.
As much as I hate to admit it, I need to get something sorted for him. We can’t continue like this. I’m going to have to admit that he’s fallen apart and I’m going to have to ask for help. No matter how much I hate the thought of it. It’s for the best.
Hours go by while I’m sat there contemplating what the fuck I’m gonna do. I have no idea what time it is as I left my phone at the house but I can see the sun starting to drop in the sky. I guess I’d better head back, get some dinner made and see what Dad might have broken today.
The second I look up and see the front door open I panic and start running. Although Dad isn’t with it more often than not these days he’s never attempted to leave the house. It’s actually the opposite which I am grateful for because at least I know I’m always going to find him somewhere in the house. It looks like my luck might be up there. If he’s wandered off he could be anywhere. I think about all the fast country roads that surround the village, I shake the thought from my head, worrying about the what ifs isn’t going to help anyone.
