Page 30 of Connie
“DAD,” I shout as I run into the house hoping like fuck that he’s going to respond. Fuck if he’s gone then it’s all my fault, if he’s hurt, fuck. This only makes it more obvious that I can’t do this alone anymore. He’s getting too bad and I’m beginning not to trust him alone in the house.
I get an answer but it isn’t the voice I was expecting. Instead of my dad’s male voice there is a soft female one that sends shivers down my spine the second it hits my ears.
“Fuck,” I mutter as I head towards said voice. I guess people finding out about what’s been going on is going to happen sooner than I expected.
My heart melts when I walk into the kitchen. There she is, stood over my dad and it looks like she is cleaning him up. I glance around the room quickly to see that I’m right, there are smash plates and glasses all over the floor. What the fuck has he done this time?
Connie tries to reassure me that Dad is fine but the second he opens his mouth and calls me Stevie like he always does when he’s lost I panic. I hate that people are going to look at me with sympathy and pity.
Before she gets a chance to say anymore I tell her to leave. Really it’s the last thing I want but I can’t deal with the look that I know is going to be in her eyes.
She fights me, like I knew she would. But when Dad tells me not to send his May away I crumble. May was my mum and whenever he gets lost like this he seems to go back in time and expects her to come home any minute. Connie doesn’t look like my mum but there are some similarities with their hair cut and size. I can’t send her away, my dad looks so happy. I know it’s not true but it’s kind of like all his dreams have come true, or at least he thinks they have. I can’t take that away from him.
I walk over to the sink to try to pull myself together. Having her see this leaves me feeling like I’ve been ripped open. She just unknowingly walked into everything I have been trying to keep hidden from everyone.
I listen to her talk to my dad in the softest voice and it actually chokes me up a little. I breath a sigh of relief when they both leave the room but I know my time is dwindling, she’ll be back any minute and she’s going to expect me to talk.
I hear her footsteps on the tiles and I expect her to say something but she surprises me by silently starting to tidy up. I felt awful when I flinched away from her touch, but the heat of her hand felt like it burnt. I’m too raw for contact yet.
“STOP,” I demand way louder than I intended.
“Fin…I…” she begins but I know that I’m the one that needs to talk.
I reach my hand out and when she grabs it I pull her up from her kneeling position on the floor. Our eyes connect for a few seconds but neither of us says anything. She goes to move her hand but I grip a little tighter before pulling her out of the room, up the stairs and into my bedroom.
I’ve imagined her with me here in my room millions of times. Every night I fall asleep wishing she was here, every morning I wake up hoping to see her face but I’ve not allowed anyone to the house in years. I think it’s kind of obvious why.
I move opposite to where she’s sat on my bed and lean back against my chest of drawers.
“Connie…” I start but I really have no idea what to say, where to begin. I’ve got so much to apologise for that it’s a bit overwhelming. I’ve made so many mistakes when I comes to Connie and I’m aware that I don’t deserve her forgiveness for any of it. I also know that I’m gonna be the luckiest bastard in the world if she gives me any kind of second chance. Okay, fine, third or forth chance.
“It’s okay, Fin. I understand,” I glance up at her cautiously because I don’t want to see that look but I’m surprised when I do because it’s not there. All I can see is her concern and love. “I understand why you’ve hidden this, tried to keep your worlds apart, I really do. But Fin, that doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do. We could have helped. Ruben, my mum and dad…me…Fin we could have helped and made life so much easier for you. Why did you feel like you have to hide all of this, make yourself struggle, cause yourself all this unnecessary pain?”
I open and close my mouth a few times as I go to answer. “I was embarrassed, ashamed, too proud, all those kinds of things. I hadn’t really realised how bad it had got until I got back from Australia. I felt guilty the whole time I was gone, I’d hired a carer but I felt so guilty leaving him and having my own life. I didn’t want to put that burden on to you all as well, none of this is your problem. I should have done something earlier, not just try to exist in this house. When he was still of sound mind we should have downsized, or I should have found him some sheltered accommodation or something where I know he’ll be looked after but I never imagined it would get this bad, Con. He doesn’t even know who I am a lot of the time,” I stutter out trying not to break down.
“Oh, Fin,” she says as she gets up and wraps her arms around me and lays her head on my chest. Just having her close and being able to smell her instantly calms me, gives me strength.
I hold her and we stand there for ages. Eventually my need to sob like a baby subsides, she must feel me relax because she looks up at me through her tear filled eyes.
“I’m sorry too, Fin. I’m sorry for not making you tell me, sorry for not seeing there was something going on and doing anything I could to help you. I’m sorry I forced myself on you when you clearly didn’t want it eleven weeks ago. I’m sorry I wasn’t proactive enough with my contraception and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about him. It wasn’t that-”
“Him? It’s a boy?”
“Well I don’t know that but I think so. I just feel like it’s a boy.”
The weirdest feeling washes through me as I think about Connie carrying my son. I reach up, grab her cheeks and place my lips against hers. I’m expecting her to push me away after all the pain I’ve caused her but to my shock I feel her lips part and her tongue touch my bottom lip.
I groan at her enthusiasm and open my mouth for her.
The kiss goes on forever and it’s the most amazing kiss of my life. My heart feels like it’s going to burst. How can I go from being so devastated to so ecstatic in a few seconds? Connie, that’s how.
She places her hands on my chest when she pulls back. “We’ve got a lot we need to talk about Fin but there is something that we need to do first.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I ask. My dick twitches in my boxers, ever hopeful.
“I just promised your dad his favourite dinner and I have not idea what that is!”
I can’t help the laugh that falls from my mouth at that comment.
