Page 8 of Connie
“Oh I didn’t even think that was an option. Does Fin know?”
I shake my head feeling ashamed of myself for not telling him.
“I know it might not feel like it now but he does deserve to know, to be part of it, even if you’re not going to be together.”
“I know. It’s just so hard. I’m scared he’ll think I did it on purpose, I swear I didn’t. It was an accident…but that doesn’t mean I regret it,” I add quickly not wanting the little grape to know I might not want it.
“He knows you better than that, Connie.”
“I hope so,” I mutter quietly.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Mum says as she gets up and goes to the door. “Oh, shall I tell your dad or do you want to?”
“Go ahead, I think I’m just going to get into bed once I get out of here. I don’t want anyone else knowing though. Not until I’ve told Fin and had a scan.”
“Of course, it goes without saying. I’ll bring you up a hot chocolate when I hear you get out. Try to relax,” she says before disappearing and closing the door behind her.
Mum does as promised and seconds after I slide my weary body inside my childhood bed she appears with a giant mug of steaming chocolate, my belly growls at the sight reminding me I haven’t eaten for hours. Luckily in her other hand is a packet of my favourite chocolate and caramel biscuits. Probably not the healthiest thing for a pregnant woman to have but it’s only one night and I need it.
I grab my handbag that mum brought up with her and check my phone. Predictably I’ve got a couple of messages from Emma telling me that she’s there for me and that Ruben is at her place so I can go home if I want to. I’ve got multiple messages from Ruben apologising for his stupidity, I’d bet my life on the fact he hasn’t sent the same kind of messages to Fin.
I just flick my light off after finishing my picnic when my phone lights up on the bedside table. I grab it thinking nothing of it but the name on the screen stops me in my tracks. I swipe it unlocked and open my messages to see what he has to say.
Fin:I’m sorry baby. Please don’t hate me.
A single tear drops down on to the duvet cover and I once again rub my belly. How did it come to this?
Fin
I feel like the biggest arsehole in the world. Connie’s right, I do love her. I always have but I don’t think even that is going to be enough to make Ruben accept us. I understand his concerns, I really do. If I had a little sister I’d hate for her to be seeing a guy like me as well.
A nurse comes in not long later to check on me and to tell me that they are going to keep me in overnight because of my concussion. Fuck that, there is no way I’m staying here overnight. I have very few memories of my mum but one I do have haunted my entire childhood. It was one of her the day before she died laying in a hospital bed with tube and pipes coming out of her. I remember thinking that all the nurses and doctors were lying to me because that couldn’t possibly be my mummy, she looked too thin and pale, even her hair looked different after all the treatment she’d had over the past few months. None of it worked though and the next day she passed away leaving me and my heartbroken dad to fend for ourselves. I was only four years old and I had lost the most important person in my life, little did I know that was only the beginning and that I was soon basically going to lose the second most important as well. It wasn’t going to be in the same way but I was going to lose him all the same.
I’ve refused to go into a hospital ever since, that memory, even twenty-four years later, still haunts me. I wouldn’t be here right now if I wasn’t brought without my knowledge. Having Connie here helped but since she walked out all I can think about is getting out of this hell hole. People only ever die in these places, it is nowhere for me to be.
I pull the tube out of the back of my hand, much to the nurse’s shock and state, “I’m discharging myself.”
“I don’t think that’s the best idea, Mr Willis. Your concussion-”
“I don’t give a fuck,” I snap, “I’m not staying here.” I get up and start looking for my shirt. I find it screwed up and covered in blood in the little unit next to my bed. “Get me whatever paperwork I need to sign, please.” I try to be slightly politer to the shocked looking nurse. She looks too sweet and young to have to deal with my arsehole self.
“Uh…yeah, okay. Hold on,” she stutters as she all but runs out of the room.
It’s well over an hour before I’m actually allowed to leave and I’m holding on to my sanity by a thin thread by that time.
The cantankerous old woman on reception calls me a taxi and I’m at last on my way home. Fucking great, just where I want to be. I do everything I can these days to spend as little time there as possible, moving out would make my life easier but every time I think about it guilt eats me alive. I can’t leave him alone, me being there occasionally is better than not being there at all. I dread to think what might happen to him if I were to leave him alone all day and night now. It cost me every penny I had in savings to make sure he was okay while I was in Australia with Ruben, I can’t afford to keep that up full time.
“Has uncle Mike been at it again?” Dad asks me when I stick my head into the living room to check on him. I ignore his question and go to pick up some of the rubbish he’s dropped on the floor, I only get halfway down before the searing pain in my chest stops me and I stand back up clutching my side.
“I’ll go sort him out for you, Stevie, I won’t have him using you as his punching bag,” he adds before turning his focus back to the TV and forgetting that I’m even in the room. My heart bleeds but I’m at least grateful the house is still standing and he’s in one piece.
I head up to my room and attempt to get some rest but my entire body is buzzing with pent up energy. I start pacing the length of the room but it does nothing to sort me out. There are two things that I normally do to relieve this kind of energy, hit the gym or go and find Connie, but unfortunately for me both of those are out of the question. So I do the only other thing I can think of. I pull open the bottom draw of my bedside cabinate and roll myself a joint. I don’t do it very often but when things get really bad it helps me through. I’m not sure how smoking weed will react with whatever the hospital pumped me full of but at this point I really don’t care. I’ve already fucked everything up and hurt everyone I care about so what’s the harm?
I open my window and perch my arse on the windowsill as I light up. I look out over our jungle of a garden and think back to better times.
Five years ago…
I’ve done everything I can to stay well clear of Connie. It took so long for Ruben to forgive me and for us to get some kind of friendship back after what happened with Connie that I don’t want to even risk looking at her. That doesn’t mean I want her any less though. If I thought one taste of her would cure me of my addiction then I was wrong. If anything I only want her more. And unfortunately she has only got hotter as the years have gone on. Her curves have got…well curvier, and she is even more beautiful than ever.
