Page 6 of Molly: Part One
Ryan doesn’t look amused by my comment; I think he’s more concerned about whether I will forgive Max than what shower I want. His eyes urge me to continue.
“Well you can stop worrying, I’m not going back to him. I never should have moved in with him in the first place. I knew it was the wrong decision at the time but it was the easiest option and I knew it was what he wanted so I thought maybe it would all be okay, you know.” I say shrugging.
“Was that a question because I can honestly say no I didn’t know, I think at the time everyone who knew you said it wouldn’t be okay. We told you not to move out of the flat so fast, that you could stay until you found somewhere of your own. You and Max have never had the type of relationship that would end up being something serious and you knew it, you were just too weak to get out of it. You don’t go from fucking about with Max while screwing others to living together and being in a committed relationship.”
“Oh, just fuck off Ryan, all you had to say was I told you so. I don’t need a big lecture. I know I never should have moved in with him. I knew the relationship would most likely be a disaster. To be honest I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to catch him because I’m sure he’s probably been at it the whole time. Plus, I’ve refused to have sex with him since the accident so I’m sure that gave him the push he needed, if he even needed one. A leopard never changes his spots and all that.” I’m getting angry now, I don’t need Ryan telling me what I already know and what I’m beating myself up about.
I look into his eyes and I see a question there, I hate that it is there but he is right. “Oh, don’t give me that look. Yes, I know I was just as bad as him when we first started sleeping together. Yes, I know I have been just as wild as he has and yes, I know you don’t like it but it was how I was. I have my reasons no matter how fucked up they are, but do you know what? I hate it too. And yes, in answer to your non-spoken question, I have changed and you fucking know it. We have first hand experience at how short life is and I’m not wasting it on dickheads anymore. I want to be in a loving relationship. I want that, and the next time I have sex I will be in love or damn fucking close to it. I have wanted that all along, to be loved and cared for. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I know it’s fucked up, I do. But I grew up not being loved and cared for by the two people who are meant to do it unconditionally, so I found a way to be cared for, if even for a little while. It made me feel useful to somebody not just a burden, it made me feel needed.” At some point during my rant I started sobbing and was lifted on to Ryan’s lap. I am now crying into his chest while he rubs my back.
“Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted you to have a reality check. Fuck, please don’t cry. I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ear.
My tears eventually dry up and I lift my head off Ryan’s chest. Looking up into his blue eyes all I see is compassion, there is no pity at all, which makes my heart a little happier. All of a sudden he speaks, making me jump because I’m totally lost in his eyes.
“I only know the basics about your parents from Hannah, you’ve never spoken to me about them. I don’t want you to now, but promise me one day you will. I really want to understand that part of your life and how it made you…you. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a really good way. You are a wonderful person Molly, you are kind, caring, intelligent, funny and you are my best friend. I never want to say anything to hurt you, and if I do, like I just did, then it’s only because I want the best for you.”
I throw my arms around his shoulders and hug him tight. This was why I came here tonight, for my best friend, who will tell me exactly what I need to hear and exactly what I don’t want to hear to pull me out of the rut I have found myself in. I nod my head in agreement and whisper “thank you” into his ear.
Ryan
“I hate to break the moment but I really have to wee.” I say into Molly’s hair, she’s been sat in my arms for a few minutes pulling herself back together. I feel her shake her head against my neck and it makes me laugh. I stand up with her in my arms and place her back on the sofa before heading out of the room.
When I come back down, I find her pulling her clothes out of the washing machine. “You washed my black jeans with my white top and underwear, how is it possible you have been living on your own and doing your own washing for years yet still do that?” She has a dead serious look on her face making me laugh.
“Shit, sorry. I was more concerned with what I was meant to do with your bra than I was about separating the colours. It’s like an alien creature to me, is it meant to have its own cycle, extra special treatment or something?” I comment trying to sound as serious as she had.
It’s her turn to start laughing and she actually starts laughing so hard she has to hold on to the worktop for support.
“You’re serious aren’t you?”
I just shrug my shoulders, grab another beer and the second bottle of wine as Molly has already drained the first one and head back in to the living room, saying over my shoulder, “it’s a drier as well but I’ll let you handle that.”
“Thank you, it’s probably safer, I need something to wear tomorrow, I’d prefer if it didn’t fit a doll,” she says with a smirk.
“Can I borrow your iPad please, Ry?” she asks as she heads back in the room.
“Yeah of course.” I pass it over to where she has sat on the floor at the coffee table sipping her wine.
“Cheers, I want to start looking for a place to live. I don’t want to cramp your style. You’ve only just moved in, you don’t need me in the way.”
The thought of her moving somewhere new on her own doesn’t sit well with me. I know she hates being on her own and would rather live with someone, which is how she ended up living with dickhead Max after all. I make a snap decision, but I know it’s the right one.
“Molly.”
“Yeah,” she says without looking up from the screen.
“Molly,” I try again to make her look up at me. It works this time and her eyes eventually meet mine.
“Move in here with me, you can have the room and bathroom downstairs. That way you would have your own space and you won’t keep me awake at night snoring from two floors away.” I think the shocked look on her face tells me she really wasn’t expecting that.
“Um…”
I sit and watch her think about what I have said. The house is so quiet I can almost hear the cogs turning in her brain as she contemplates what to say next and whether to take me up on my offer. I eventually get bored of waiting and continue to try to convince her.
“This house is too big for me on my own really anyway, it’s so quiet here. The rent will be cheaper than a place of your own and I’ll let you decorate your room however you want.” God, I hope she won’t take me up on that and paint it Barbie pink or anything crazy. She is still silent. “Molly, tell me what you are thinking.”
All of a sudden she is off the floor and practically running for the stairs.
“Shit!” I get up and run after her. “Molly, come back, you can’t leave the house wearing that. Molly!” I shout as I chase her down the stairs.
