Page 19 of Lilly
Our conversation gets interrupted when Noah starts fussing in hischair.
“He needs a feed. Do you want to hold him while I go make a bottle?” Connie askstentatively.
“I…uh,” I stutter, looking between her and the baby. ‘Yeah, sure,” I say when I realise I need to get a grip. I can’t let what happened rule my life. I want to enjoy my friend’s baby. I won’t let him take that from me aswell.
“Okay?” she asks once Noah is settled in the crook of myarm.
“Yeah, I’m good. He’s a proper cutie,Con.”
A huge proud smile breaks across her face. “He is, just like his daddy. I’ll only be a fewminutes.”
“Take your time. We’re good.” And I really meanit.
From as early I can remember, all I’ve wanted is kids of my own. I was obsessed with my dolls when I was a child. Although I always knew I wanted a career first, kids were always next on my list. When I was a teenager, it soon became clear that things weren’t as they were meant to be down there. I still held on to my hope that one day, when the time was right, it would still happen for me—even though my chances were low. I always hopped I’d be a younger mum and when I met Jake I thought maybe I’d get the chance. I had a wonderful boyfriend, uni was going well, and I had amazing friends and family. He was incredible, too good to be true almost, until his life was turned upside down and he found alcohol and drugs. It made himcrazy.
I’d always sworn never to have anything to do with drugs. I should have ended it with him the day I found him with white powder on his nose but I rationalised he was going through a rough time and that it would get better. He promised it would. Well, it definitely didn’t, and he ended up taking away that small chance I had of ever having my ownchildren.
Noah distracts me from my memories when he makes a cute gargling sound. I stare down at his cute face and little button nose. I was worried how I would feel, holding an almost newborn baby again. I had a complete meltdown the first few times I held Lois. Thankfully, Dec could see what was going on and rescued me. I was so relieved he was there, because I wouldn’t have been able to explain my freak out to everyone else without telling the truth, and I really didn’t want to dothat.
This time it’s different, though. More time has passed and I’ve slowly been dealing with it all. When I look down at Noah now, all I feel is happiness for Connie and Fin; my anger and pain is barely noticeable. To say I’m relieved would be an understatement. I hated the idea of having to stay away because I couldn’t handleit.
Connie looks a little teary eyed when she comes back in and sees that Noah is still cuddled in myarms.
“You’ll make a great mum one day, Lils. Just because you might not be able to carry your own, doesn’t mean you won’t get thechance.”
“I know,” I say, looking back down at his little face. And I do. I’ve realised in the past eight months that even though I won’t carry my own children, I won’t allow it to stop me from having what I’ve always wanted. I’ve been brought up to believe that everything happens for a reason, so maybe I was never meant to carry my own—maybe I was always meant to adopt. When the time is right, there might be a child or two out there who need a good home and a loving family, and I will welcome them with loving arms as if they are my own. I can’t imagine anything more rewarding than giving someone the life theydeserve.
“Shall I take him or do you want to feed him?” Connie says, dragging me from my innermusings.
“Can I do it?” I say to my utter shock. I’ve never fed a baby before, so this will be anexperience.
* * *
By the timeI need to leave Connie’s, she has to practically rip Noah from me. I knew I’d love him, but having him sleeping in my arms contently made me realise how quickly I’d fallen for the little guy. I give him a gentle kiss on the forehead before handing him back to his mummy and sayinggoodbye.
I head straight to my parents’ house for our monthly Sunday dinner that my mum still insists on, although more often than not only half of us are in attendance these days. When I arrive, I see it’s only Emma, her husband Ruben and metoday.
“Oh my goodness, Lilly, you are looking really well,” Mum says as I enter the kitchen to joineveryone.
“She’s right, you look really good,” Emma agrees. It’s the third time I’ve heard similar things today, and I’m starting to realise how bad I must have looked. I know I lost a lot of weight, but I didn’t realise everyone had noticed so much. It makes me wonder how much they believed about the lie I spun about having the flu. Dec swore to me that he didn’t tell anyone, and I believe him. I know he wouldn’t break my trust, but seeing their reactions to how I’m looking now really makes mewonder.
As always, lunch is amazing and the conversation is easy as we all chat about our lives and what we’ve been up to. Emma tells us about her latest book and Mum fills us in on stories of Lois. Molly and Ryan have taken her away on her first holiday and are currently up in the LakeDistrict.
I’m in a really good mood by the time I get home. I have the place to myself so change into my pyjamas and get some uni workdone.
When I curl up in bed my thoughts, as they often do, turn to Lucas. I hate that he still fills up my headspace, but I can’t shift him. He’s made some kind of impact on me and I wish it wouldstop.
* * *
Everything seemsnormal when I walk into Lucas’ room. Well, that is until I turn the corner to the ensuite.
“Oh my God, Lucas,” I say in a panic as I run towards his lifeless figure on the tiledfloor.
I didn’t expect him to be dead, but I’m seriously relieved when I see no blood. I couch down next to him and place my hand on his shoulder. His skin is burning to touch and he’s covered in sweat, yet he’sshaking.
“Lucas,” I say gently, but there’s no response. I try again, with a shake to his shoulder thistime.
It does the trick and he starts groaning. His eyes open to slits as he looks at me. “Go away,” he says croakily before shutting his eyesagain.
