Page 67 of Lilly
Once Joe’s shock wears off and I manage to convince him I haven’t totally lost my mind, I turn the light out and attempt to get some sleep. That’s wishful thinking though, with the prospect of seeing Lilly and our babies at tomorrow’s scan.Ifshe allows me toattend.
I know running away wasn’t the most mature thing to do but images of my childhood were on repeat in my brain from the second the doctor announced Lilly was pregnant. I always feel like I’m one mistake away from turning into my mother. I’m further from it since I moved away from London but I know I have the same addictive personality as her, and my fear of becoming like her made merun.
Lilly and the babies would be much better off without me if there was even a chance of me being a parent likethat.
As the weeks without her have gone on though, I soon realised that being with them wasn’t the scariest part—being without them was worse. So much fuckingworse.
I realised I couldn’t just turn up on her doorstep with a bunch of flowers and say I’m sorry. That wasn’t going to cut it. So I got on the internet and found something I hope she is going to love. I’ve worked my arse off to make it a reality for her, but now it’s pretty much ready I’m petrified I’ve made a mistake, that she’s going to want nothing to do with me after the way I’ve treated her, let alone what I’vedone.
* * *
“I’m herefor Lilly Morrison’s appointment,” I say to the lady at the reception desk. She looks at me and then behind me—I guess for Lilly—but when she doesn’t see anyone she looks back, waiting for me to explain. “We’re arriving separately; she’ll be here shortly.” I don’t add that she might cause me physical harm for turning up like this. It took some serious convincing to even get someone to tell me what time this appointment was, but I soon realised after leaving her building that day that I wasn’t missing it for anything. All I have is the memory of those white shapes on that original scan. I need to see more to help convince me that this is really happening and to tell myself that everything I’ve done isn’t fornothing.
I sit myself in the back corner. I want to see Lilly before she sees me. I sit there for ages, but that’s my own fault for being soearly.
Eventually, I hear familiar soft footsteps behind me. I brace myself for her to round the corner and when she does, my breath catches in my throat. She looks beautiful. Her long blonde hair is hanging down her back and she has on a light summer dress. Everything in me craves her. I wrap my fingers around the edges of the chair to keep me inplace.
I watch as she goes to the desk to check herself in before turning around. She takes two steps towards the seating area before she sees me. Her whole body stills and her mouth drops open. I make the most of her shocked state to run my eyes down the front of her body, over the bump of her belly. I get this weird feeling come over me as I think about my babies growing inthere.
Lilly is pulled from her shock when a woman, who I can only presume is her mother because she is just an older version of Lilly, crashes into the back of her. The woman follows Lilly’s gaze and turns to look at me as well. Her features harden as she stares at me. I think her anger may rival my mother’s, by the look ofit.
Lilly’s mother just goes to step forward when the door opens next to me and a young woman steps out. “Lilly Morrison?” sheasks.
Lilly pulls her eyes away from me and heads towards the woman at the same time I stand from my chair. The sonographer can obviously tell something is going on, because she looks between the three of us before asking Lilly if everything isokay.
Lilly doesn’t say anything; she just nods herhead.
“Can he attend?” she asks, looking back atme.
“Well, they are his,” Lilly snaps as she walks through the door, turning her back on me. I can’t lie; her harshness stings alittle.
I stand by the door awkwardly as Lilly goes through the same process as last time. She slips her leggings down her hips a little and lifts her loose dress to reveal her swollen belly. My eyes are locked on to her rounded skin. She looks perfect and the fact my babies are growing under there has me frozen to thespot.
“Do you need to sit?” someone says, and it takes a few minutes to realise that it’s Lilly’s mother with her hand on my arm, gesturing towards thechair.
I nod and do as she suggests because I’m not feeling very stable rightnow.
I watch from the sidelines as Lilly lies on the bed, holding her mother’s hand. The sonographer soon has an image up on screen, and I’m even more enthralled by that image than I am with Lilly’s swollenbelly.
Mybabies.
She seems to be there ages, moving the wand thing around and getting different angles. Eventually though, she looks up to Lilly and asks, “Would you like to know theirsex?”
I look back at Lilly and watch as she bites down on her bottom lip in thought. After a few seconds, her eyes find mine. Her excitement and happiness is infectious and for the first time, it’s not just dread I feel about thissituation.
“I’m happy either way, as long as they’re both healthy,” I say, my voice full of emotion and barely recognisable to my ownears.
Lilly looks to her mum who smiles at her and says, “It’s your call,angel.”
“I want toknow.”
“Okay, well it looks to me like you’ve got one of each. This one on the left of the screen is a girl, and the one on the right is aboy.”
I stare at the screen for the longest time, looking at my almost ready-made family of four, trying to allow it to sink in. In a matter of weeks, really, I’m going to be a dad to not just one kid, but two. I’m going to have a son and adaughter.
Sniffling to my right eventually makes me rip my eyes away from the screen. Lilly has tears streaming down her face but she also has the biggest smile I think I’ve everseen.
Without thinking, I get up and walk over to her. In seconds, I have my hand on her belly and my lips againsthers.
