Page 73 of Lilly
Chapter Sixteen
Lucas
Ithoughtshe was going to back away from me when I reached out to her belly. I’ve been gone for weeks, and I’ve already missed so much. It’s such a weird feeling, being so far away from someone but feeling so connected to them at the same time. She’s the one carrying them, and I’ve only seen scan pictures, but I already know these two in here are going to rule my life—along with their mother, ofcourse.
I never wanted kids. I never wanted to get the chance to find out if I would be likeheror not. I’m still petrified that old habits will resurface when things get tough, but I’m getting more and more convinced that with Lilly by my side, those things won’t happen. She seems, rightly or wrongly, to have faith in me, so I need to have some in myself. I can be a good man for her and I can be a good father to my children, I tellmyself.
“Whoa, what was that?” I ask when I feel something weird beneath my palm. It’s kind of like a flutter of a butterfly wing against myskin.
“They’re kicking. Give me your other hand.” I lift my arm and she directs my hand to the right spot and pressesdown.
“Oh my God, that’s incredible. How long have they been doingthat?”
“It’s only this week I’ve been able to feel it with my hand. Before that, it kind of felt like I kept getting a sudden belt of nerves. It’s quite early to feel them but it’s more common with twins and the consultant said they are already a good size, so getting a little squished up inthere.”
I can’t help the wide smile that stretches across my face as I think about my babies already fighting with each other in there like Marcus and I used todo.
“Have you bought anythingyet?”
“No. Everyone has tried to get me out shopping but I’ve been holding off. I think I was holding out hope that their father might reappear and we could do ittogether.”
“Let’s go then,” I say, before finishing my coffee and standingup.
“Could I eat this first?” Lilly asks, looking longingly at the muffin. It’s a nice change to see her wanting toeat.
“Sorry, ofcourse.”
“I have to eat every two hours, otherwise it’s like I’mstarving.”
“Tell me what symptoms you’ve had. Any morning sickness? Anycravings?”
I sit and listen like it’s the most important information in the world as Lilly explains about the weeks I’ve missed. When she’s finished her muffin, we walk out together. Just like I hoped wewould.
We spend the afternoon visiting every baby shop I can find in the area. I’ve spent hours online looking at everything they’re going to need, much to Lilly’s surprise. I don’t think she’s done the same; she’s been putting it all off. To be fair though, she had enough other stuff to deal with, along with growingthem.
“I’ve got a shortlist of three double buggies I thought might be good,” I admit when we stop in another coffee shop to feed Lilly again. I never thought I’d see her eat likethis.
“What?” she asks around a mouthful of cheesesandwich.
“I have ashortlist—”
“That’s what I thought you said. You really do want to be involved with this, don’t you?” The fact she still doubts me stings a little, but it’s only what Ideserve.
“Yes. The first few minutes after finding out were a little weird, but I’ve known all along that I wanted this—them—with you. It was my shit I couldn’t cope with. It wasn’t because I didn’t wantthem.
By the time we get back to Lilly’s flat, we are loaded down with stuff, most of which I never in a million years thought I’d buy. We ordered a pushchair after discussing each one’s pros and cons over a coffee and decaf tea together, and then again with the sales assistant. Because we know the sex of the babies, we were able to have the fabric parts the correct colour, so one half is baby pink and cream and the other baby blue. For something I never thought I’d buy, let alone research, it’s safe to say I’m pretty excited about it, much to Lilly’samusement.
I don’t know about her, but spending time together this afternoon has been like the last few weeks never happened. It’s safe to say I’m brought back to earth with a bump when we unload the shopping at Lilly’s building and she hesitates when I go to help herup.
“Let me just carry it all up. I can leave it in your living room if you don’t want methere.”
I hate myself again for the pain I’ve caused her. The sight of her confusion as to whether she should allow me in or not gutsme.
“Okay, thank you,” she saysquietly.
Once everything is up, we stand looking at each other awkwardly for a few minutes. I desperately want to pull her into my arms but I know I need to take my cues from her, and her body language is currently telling me to stayaway.
“Thank you for allowing me today. I really appreciate it. When can I see youagain?”
