Page 74 of Lilly
“I don’t know, Luc. It’s going to taketime.”
“I understand,” I say sadly, because I do. It doesn’t mean it’s what I want,though.
“I’ll call you. We still need to choosefurniture.”
This is true. We looked today, but Lilly, being an interior designer, wanted to do more research to get the room perfect. I was glad of this because if my plans for her work the way I’m hoping, Taylor’s old room will never be anursery.
I give Lilly a gentle kiss on the cheek before walking away. Just like the last time I walked away from this building, my heart stays withher.
* * *
Ihearnothing from Lilly for days. Well that’s not entirely true. I text her every day, at least once, and she does reply when I ask if she and the babies are okay. She’s yet to arrange a time for us to get together again though. To say I’m getting impatient would be an understatement. I’ve already missed so much and I desperately want to experience the rest of her pregnancy withher.
By Friday afternoon, I’ve had enough of her elusive messages and decide that as soon as my final meeting with my boring interior designer is over, I’m heading to her flat. I need to talk to her, and the longer we are apart, the easier I fear it is for her to ignore me. I need to show I’m here to stay this time and that I wanther.
Everything looks normal when I arrive and I’m thrilled to find Lilly’s elderly neighbour by the entrance to the building again. She’s slightly more pleasant to me this time and tells me how Lilly allowed her to come and look at all the stuff we bought. It thrills me that Lilly must have said some good things about me, because she allows me to enter the building withher.
I wish her a good evening before stepping out of the lift onto Lilly’sfloor.
The door is wideopen.
That really isn’t like her. I may have only been here a few times, but I’ve noticed she’s obsessive with making sure it’s shut andlocked.
I pick up my pace and head towards the doorway. When I step in and see what’s going on in front of me, I swear my life flashes before myeyes.
Lilly
IknowI should have arranged to see Lucas again, but I keep putting it off. I tried to tell myself that I hated him when he left and that I’d never forgive him, but in one afternoon, all my previous feelings I thought I’d banished came flooding back. It was clear I was still in love with him, and now I’m carrying his babies I swear it’s onlystronger.
Shopping with him for baby stuff wasn’t like I imagined it would be because I thought he’d be walking around completely clueless. I was not expecting him to already know which breast pump was rated the best by other mums, or that you could get a machine that made perfect bottles ready to drink every time. It seemed he used the time he was away very effectively when it came to baby stuff. It warmed my heart that he didn’t go because he didn’t want us, but at the same time I hate that we couldn’t have found all that stuff outtogether.
Getting him to leave when he brought up all the stuff was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. Every fibre of my being was screaming at me to let him stay, but I knew it wouldn’t be helpful in the long run. Before I let him back in properly, I need to be 100% convinced he’s not going to freak out and leave again. And that includes having him open up about his past, no matter how painful that will be for him. I also need to tell him about Jake and how I got to this point in my life aswell.
I spend Friday morning with Emma, Connie and Noah at my flat, and by the time they leave, I’d decide I’ve put off calling him longenough.
I’ve psyched myself up so much with what I want to say to him that when it goes to voicemail, a huge ball of disappointment hangs heavy in my stomach. I’ve been in a weird mood all day. I guess it’s just pregnancystuff.
I’ve just put my phone down when someone starts knocking. It’s very unusual that anyone knocks before buzzing up from the main door, but the first thing that pops into my head is that Taylor has come back for the weekend. He’s been promising he’d visit, and knowing he still has his keys so he could get in if I wasn’t here has me convinced it’shim.
I rush over to the door and pull it open as I announce, “I’ve missed you,” and hold my arms open. But instead of large strong arms wrapping around me, I feel a pair of hands push harshly at my shoulders, making me fall to the floor with athud.
My eyes blur with tears as a bolt of pain goes up my back. It’s not until he’s in my face that I realise who itis.
Jake.
“Good afternoon, Lilly Lou,” hesnarls.
I start to scrabble away from him but he stalks forward. He looks menacing, glaring down at me from his full height. I’m aware of how vulnerable I am, so I fight to get back on my feet. When I manage it, I’m aware that he’s backed me into acorner.
I look around frantically for a weapon but there is nothing close enough to grab. His eyes look exactly like the last time I saw them: glazed, absent anddangerous.
“Wha…what do you want,Jake?”
“You, Lilly. Always you. I’ve given you time. Enough to realise you still loveme.”
I’m totally lost for words. If I argue and say I don’t love him, it’s going to hurt, I know it. But I also don’t want to pretend. I never want to back down tohim.
“Fuck you,” Iwhisper.
