Page 20 of Losing the Forbidden
Our exhaustion eventually drags us under because, before I know it, I’m opening my eyes to find the room full of sunlight.
Reaching out, I hope to find Lauren sleeping beside me. I need her soft skin pressed up against mine again to remind me that last night wasn’t just one incredible dream. Finding the side of the bed next to me empty, my heart drops.
“You need to leave.” Déjà vu hits me.
“You need to stop this, Lauren.”
“Me?” she asks as if she wasn’t a willing participant last night.
“You’re the one who keeps inviting me here.”
“I don’t think I ever—” I raise an eyebrow at her, and she trails off. She knows as well as I do that she wanted it last night. The blush on her cheeks isn’t the only evidence.
Throwing the covers off, I shift to the edge of the bed and then stand. Her eyes drop from my face to feast on my body. Hours in the gym as well as surfing means it’s a little different to what she was used to. Her chin drops and her tongue licks across her bottom lip. She can try to pretend all she likes that she’s not interested anymore, but her body tells a different story.
After a few seconds, she realises what she’s doing. “Jesus, Ben. Put it away.” Putting her hand up to cover my junk, she casts her eye to the corner of the room.
“You weren’t complaining last night.” I take a step towards her and push her outstretched arm away. She takes one back, bumping against the door frame.
She swallows and her features harden. “Last night shouldn’t have happened.”
“But—”
“No buts, Ben. It shouldn’t have happened. Our time together ended the moment you walked out. I’m over it…I’ve moved on.”
Her words are the reminder I need. She’s taken, yet she spent the night with me. My teeth grind and my fists clench at the thought of her being with someone else.
The cactus sitting on the sideboard beside her catches my eye and I take a few seconds to look around the room I no longer recognise because it looks like a guest room, not one that someone lives in.
When I find her eyes, she knows I’ve figured it out.
“No,” I shout. “No, Lauren. This is bullshit.”
“Thisbullshitis my life.”
“Why the hell are you here if you don’t live here?”
“To look after your mum. Someone had to do it, seeing as she was convinced her only child was dead.”
Lifting my hands to my head, I take a step away and try to collect my thoughts. As true as her statement is, it seriously hurts.
“This isn’t how it’s meant to be, Lauren.”
“You don’t need to tell me that. I didn’t choose any of this. I was happy. I knew exactly what I wanted and you…you shattered it.”
“You think I chose this? You think I walked away without a second thought?”
“Well, didn’t you?”
“No, Lauren. I never once chose to walk away from you. The only thing I wanted was you. The only thing I still want is you. I- I—”
“No. You can’t do this. It’s too late…it’s too late,” she repeats as she side-steps me and storms from the room.
I stare at the closed door she leaves behind her for the longest time. Last night, when she was in my arms, everything felt right again for the first time since I walked away from this house. I knew it wasn’t going to last forever, but this right now hurts more than I was expecting it to. How I still feel about her was about to fall from my lips, and she walked away. I guess it’s what I deserve, karma or some shit, but fuck if the ache in my chest isn’t worse than it’s ever been right now.
As much as I want to spend the rest of the day in what was her bed, where so many of my memories are, I collect up my clothes and head towards my own room.
I’m just closing her door when someone in the hallway makes me look up. I find Mum at the top of the stairs, staring at me. I’m grateful I went to the effort of putting my boxers on before leaving the room.
