Page 27 of Losing the Forbidden
The determination on their faces chokes me up. Fear that the tears stinging my eyes might just escape if I acknowledge their support means I tip my bottle to my lips instead.
“Thank you,” I say eventually.
“Whatever you need,” Liam agrees before silence surrounds us once again. We’re guys, we don’t really talk about feelings and shit, but I don’t need it. They’re here; that’s all I need to know that they mean everything Dec just said.
We’ve almost drunk our way through the bottles the guys brought out when the sound of the doors opening floats around us. Nic and Liv step out and walk over to join us.
“Is she okay?”
“She’s gone to bed. She’s exhausted.”
They both give me sad smiles—it’s their way of saying that she’s not okay. I really wish that conversation about Nick could have happened in private, but I guess it’s too late now.
We stay out on the decking, drinking and chatting long into the night. Once we decide to hit the sack, I follow both the couples up the stairs and watch as they go into their rooms for the night.
There’s a stabbing pain in my heart as I head towards my own room alone. Forgoing my bedroom door, I push down the handle on the one opposite. Nothing in this room is like I remember, but just knowing it’s where she used to be brings me some kind of comfort. Sitting myself down on the edge of the bed, I think about how I could have handled all of this differently. I thought not telling Lauren about her dad the second I got here was for the best. Allow her to mourn the man she thought he was, to say goodbye to the father she believed she had, before I hit her with the truth. But after the way Mum found out tonight, I’m starting to question that decision.
Knowing that sitting here wallowing isn’t helping anyone, I get up to leave, but the sound of giggling coming from one of the guest rooms stops me. Will any of this get any easier?
Knocking softly on Mum’s door, I push it open and poke my head inside.
“It’s okay, I’m awake,” she says quietly.
Walking in, I make my way over to the bed and sit myself beside her.
“I’m so sorry, Mum. My intention wasn’t to hurt anyone in all of this. I was trying to do what I thought was best for you.”
“Shush, now,” she soothes, placing her tiny hand on my forearm. “You should have stood up for yourself and what you wanted.”
“I couldn’t do that to you. The business and this house are the only bits of Dad you had left. I just—”
“They’re just things, Ben. No matter where I live, or where I work, your dad will always be with me.” Tears sting my eyes and she brings her hand to her chest. “Your dad was the love of my life. Even to this day he holds my heart in his hands. I don’t need to be in this house to remember him. You should have fought. If I’d have known, I’d have told you the same thing back then. Nick was ruthless. Everyone seems to think I wasn’t aware of the kind of man he was, but I experienced it better than anyone.”
My fists clench as I vividly remember some of their more heated arguments. I used to hide just out of sight waiting for the hand he raised to come down on her. I never witnessed it, but I’d put money on the fact some of Mum’sillnesseswere due to his fists.
“I really fucking hate him. He took everything from me. I wasn’t going to allow him to do that to both of you, too.”
“Oh, baby.” Mum tries to wrap her arms around my shoulders, but I’m not the baby she remembers, and her arms nowhere near meet. She ends up with her head resting on my chest as I hold her to me. “We did lose everything. We lost you.”
Thank fuck she’s looking down; it means she misses the fight I lose with my tears as she sobs her own.
I angrily wipe at my eyes, frustrated with myself that I’ve allowed him to break me.
When Mum does pull her head up and look at me, she doesn’t miss the emotion written all over my face. She places her hand softly on my cheek and stares into my eyes. I suddenly feel like a little boy again.
“You and Lauren were made for each other. I knew that the first time I caught you together. There was something about the two of you when you were close, an unbreakable connection. It was just like your dad and I had. You’ve no idea how I feel, knowing I played a part in ruining that. I knew about the two of you, but I didn’t do anything to help. There are so many things I could have done. I—”
“Don’t, Mum. It’s too late now. What’s done is done. She has every right not to want anything to do with me after what I did.”
“That’s just it though, Ben. She’s still angry. That’s a good thing.”
“How?”
“It means she still cares. It means it’s not over, no matter what she might try to tell you.” My heart starts to race as her words settle in. “Don’t give up.” Reaching up, she places a kiss to my cheek before settling herself back into bed. “Nevergive up, Ben.”
I leave soon after, but Mum’s words stay with me as I lie in my own bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to claim me. I wonder if what she said is true. Would things have been different if she’d have said something? Somehow, I really doubt it. Nick still would have found a way to get what he wanted. He might have just gone about it differently.
Chapter Ten
