Page 3 of Losing the Forbidden
“What about your mum?” she asks, pulling me from my thoughts once again. Putting my mug on the coffee table, I drop my head into my hands. “Siblings?” The mention of siblings has me looking up. “What?”
I try to keep my expression neutral, but I can only imagine my heartache is clear in my eyes. “It’s…” I can’t say any more. It feels like the walls are closing in on me at just considering talking about her.
“It’s okay. I was thinking about going for a walk along the beach. You fancy joining me? You can talk if you want…or not. I’m here for whatever you need, Ben.” I hate the pain that hits my chest when she calls me that. I couldn’t have been more relieved when I met Dec at Exeter uni and he nicknamed me BJ; every time I heard my real name, all I could picture was it falling from Lauren’s lips.
“Let me shower, and I’ll join you.” Grateful to have something else to think about, I jump up from the sofa and attempt to wash away the stench of last night’s alcohol.
The hot water does little to ease the tension pulling at every one of my muscles. There’s a war raging inside me, and I’ve no idea which side’s going to win.
Do I go back, try to reclaim my place and go to the funeral? Or has too much time passed? Will I only cause more pain by going back? Deep down, I know what I want to do, what I need to do, but it’s not just myself that I need to think about.
“I love it here,” Liv says on a sigh when we stop by some rocks. Sitting herself down on one, she looks out to sea.
She might have sunglasses on, but I know the second her eyes flick to me. I try to ignore her attention, afraid she’s going to try asking more questions.
“You said something to me once, and it stuck with me when I was going through all that shit with David and Griff.”
“I did?” I ask with a laugh. I usually steer well clear of dishing out any kind of advice. I’ve already fucked up my own life; I don’t need anyone else’s on my conscience.
“‘Don’t fuck it up. Life’s a long time to live with regrets’.And you’re right. I’m not going to pester you about what you’re going through. I know you’ll talk when you’re ready. Just think about those words. What will you regret more: going back or staying?”
“Fucking hell, Liv.”
“You’re welcome,” is all she says before turning back towards the horizon, a small smile of victory playing on her lips.
Chapter Two
“Ben, it’s Chris. The funeral’s going to be Thursday at one pm at the crematorium, and the wake is at The Crown. I understand your reluctance to come, but like I said before, I think your mum and Lauren could you use your support right now.”
“Motherfucker,” I shout, throwing my phone down on my bed and watching it bounce and crash to the floor. I was in the fucking shower when he rang, and now I’ve got the time and day of that cunt’s funeral on my fucking voicemail, taunting me.
I spent the last few days fighting with my need to get in my car and drive to London to be with them. I’ve picked up my keys to go more than once, but something stops me every time.
They hate me. I know they do. He would have made sure of it. He told me he’d kill me for touching his daughter, and although I may still be breathing, I’m as good as dead to the two women I’d give my life to protect.
My sour mood has had everyone keeping their distance from me—I assume at Liv’s request. I can see in their eyes that they’re worried about me, but they all know that sitting me down and demanding answers is going to get them nowhere.
Since moving here, I’ve made looking happy a full-time job. I’ve learnt all the tricks I need to convince everyone around me that my life’s one big party. It’s so far from the truth that it’s not even funny. For whatever reason, Liv sees straight through it and she’s starting to point things out to the others. I hate the sympathy in their eyes. Fucking hate it. It’s one of the many reasons I’ve kept my past a secret.
Dec and Liam used to look at me with admiration. I showed the world that I had the perfect life: I had the looks, the brains, the women and enough money to not have to worry about where my next pay check was coming from. I’ve no idea how I got away without them questioning me for so long, but my time hiding from the truth is running out.
“Jesus, BJ, who died?” Dec asks the second he finds me sitting on the sofa later that evening.
Looking up at his concerned face, I can’t help feeling grateful for Liv’s discretion. She could quite easily have shared my bad news with everyone, but it seems she’s kept my secrets from Dec at least. I’m sure Liam is another story.
“My stepdad,” I mutter, pulling my eyes away from him in an attempt to hide the pain I’m sure is filling them.
“Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Liam texted to say we were taking you out tonight; I didn’t realise—”
“It’s fine, Dec. You weren’t to know.”
Falling down beside me, he’s lost in thought and a ball of dread grows in my stomach.Here come the questions.“You know, in all the years we’ve known each other, you’ve never once mentioned your family. I didn’t even know you had a stepdad.”
“I know.” I hate the guilt that fills me for keeping my best friends at such a distance all these years.
“I just kind of assumed you didn’t have any, or that they’re not worth knowing.”
The silence hangs out between us, but when Dec turns his gaze on me, I find the words just tumbling from my mouth.
