Page 4 of Losing the Forbidden
“It’s a bit of both. My dad died when I was a kid, but my mum married some arsehole who was intent on ruining my life.” His eyes widen in surprise, but Liam’s footsteps pounding down the stairs prevent him from asking any more questions.
Liam’s eyes hold a sympathy that isn’t usually there when he looks at me, and I can only assume that Liv has filled him in, hence the impromptu night out. “Are we ready? BJ hasn’t had a shag in days. I’m worried it might fall off.”
“You’re a twat,” I mumble, getting up and putting the cans I’d already drained into the kitchen. I can’t really say too much; I deserve it after all the stick I’ve given him over the years.
“Aren’t we going to Dec’s?” I ask when I spot a taxi idling outside our house.
“We thought we’d be a little more adventurous.”
Usually the prospect of a night out with my mates would excite me. They’re getting fewer and fewer now that they’re both loved up, but for the first time since meeting them, I think I’d rather spend the night at home alone as I continue to argue with myself about what I do.
Every time I’ve bumped into Liv in the house the last few days, she’s tried to convince me to go home. She knows I’m torn, and I think she’s hoping that by reiterating what Chris said about Mum and Lauren potentially needing me, it’ll make me go. I understand what she’s trying to do. She thinks it’s for the best. But she doesn’t understand the clusterfuck that I’d walk into. I’m pretty sure me turning up while Mum and Lauren try to deal with their grief is the last thing they need.
When the taxi pulls up in front of the strip club, I drag Dec and Liam to every year for my birthday, I almost refuse to go inside. My head’s too full of my previous life andherto have any desire to be surrounded by naked women. The prospect of possibly seeing Lauren again in only a few days has old cravings that used to consume my entire being returning.
Since getting that first phone call from Chris, every single memory I have of our time together is on fucking repeat in my mind. I see her out on the decking, surrounded by twinkling fairy lights that first night we spent together. I picture her laid out on a picnic blanket with the sun lightening her already fair hair. It’s fucking torture. It’s been six years; how I can still want her this badly is beyond me. She’s just a memory now, but fuck if my body doesn’t react as if she’s right in front of me once again.
“What’s wrong? You want to celebrate that that arsehole’s out of your life for good, right?” Liam asks. I’ve barely scratched the surface with the details of my past life, but Liv’s clearly passed on what a cunt my stepdad was. Dec’s mouth drops open in surprise. It’s really not like Liam to talk ill of anyone. “What?” he asks, his brows drawing together. “Liv said—”
“She was right. I think I described him as a waste of good oxygen. Come on, let’s do this,” I say with more enthusiasm than I feel. I’ve become a master at plastering a smile on my face and giving the impression that I’m okay, so I should be able to manage it for a night out. With my two best friends trying to support me the only way they know how, I can’t exactly walk away from them.
Dec and Liam lead me to a table right at the front of the stage. It’s where I always drag them when I bring them here, but today, it’s the last place I want to be. Glancing over my shoulder to the booths in the back corner, I let out a sigh and pull out a chair. I don’t want to come across like an ungrateful arsehole, but if I have to spend a few hours here, I’d rather be hiding in the shadows.
A tray of shots magically appears on our table and I waste no time in reaching for one and downing it.
Other than visiting the toilet, my arse stays firmly in the chair while Dec and Liam look at me like I’ve grown an extra head. It’s not like me not to partake in everything offered in a place like this, but I already know it’s not going to have the effect I usually crave. Sex and alcohol were my escape until that phone call. Now, nothing seems to quash the ache inside me and my desire for the only woman who’s ever had a place in my heart.
I can only put up with the club and the concerned looks on my best friends’ faces for so long. I down my drink and excuse myself, making it look like I’m heading to the toilets. Instead, I slip out the exit when both Dec and Liam are preoccupied with the girl up on the stage.
Sucking in a lungful of fresh night air, I feel like a pussy. I never leave a party. Well,BJnever leaves a party. I seem to be Ben more and more these days, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. The protective layers I’ve put around myself are being peeled away faster than I know how to deal with.
I don’t bother calling a taxi. Hoping the long, peaceful walk will do me some good, I set off towards home.Home…I might love this place, but it won’t ever truly be home. Home is where the heart is, and I left that in London a long time ago.
“Whoa, you guys are back early,” Liv says, reaching for the remote to pause whatever she’s watching when I eventually get back. Looking behind me for her boyfriend, her brows knit together.
“I couldn’t stick it.”
“This really is getting to you, isn’t it?”
Falling down on the sofa, I drop my head back and scrub my palms over my face.
“I don’t know what to fucking do,” I admit.
She’s silent for so long that I don’t think she’s going to answer. Her stare burns my skin, so after a few more seconds, I drag my head up and look at her.
“I think we both know what you need to do, Ben.” Her voice is soft and her eyes hopeful. “As much as I want to demand you stay here because it’s where you belong, I think we both know it’s a lie. You’re just using this place to hide. Whatever really happened is in the past now. He’s gone. Whatever happened between the two of you, it’s over.”
“It’s not really about him.”
She nods at me to continue, and I try to swallow down the lump in my throat.
“It’s my…” I cast my eyes away because, for how supportive Liv is, I have no idea what she’ll think to what I have to say next. “My stepsister. We…something happened between us.” Blowing out a long breath, I continue to stare at the wall and will the tears that are starting to burn the backs of my eyes away.
Liv’s quiet for the longest time. When she does eventually respond, my chest constricts painfully. “You really love her, don’t you? Even after all these years.”
I open my mouth to respond but no words come. The lump I was trying to get rid of returns as images of Lauren fill my mind.
“Jesus, BJ. You need to see her. You need to…” she trails off. She doesn’t know enough about the situation to give advice, and I think she knows that. After casting her eyes away for a second in thought, she turns back to me and tries a different tack. “What’s her name?”
