Page 8 of Losing the Forbidden
“I’m so sorry. Things back then were…complicated. I did the only thing I could at the time. Nick wasn’t…” I trail off, not really wanting to get into this now. “Let me just say that what happened in reality probably wasn’t quite how he made it out to be. I didn’t leave willingly; I can promise you that.”
She nods like she understands and pulls back so she can look at me. “Trust me, I know how he operated better than most. I don’t think you’ll shock me with anything you tell me, but you should have fought for her. You should have done whatever it took, not just run at the first sign of trouble.”
My heart twists and my stomach turns over as I watch her walk out of the office. Resting back on the edge of the desk behind me, I take a few steadying breaths.
I’ve told myself that same thing time and time again, but nothing will change what happened. At the time, leaving seemed like the best thing for Lauren. I wasn’t going to do anything that might make her life worse, and I had no intention of being the one to ruin her relationship with her dad. She wasn’t stupid; she knew he wasn’t going to win Dad of the Year or anything, but if she knew the truth… I lost my dad way too early, and I’ll be fucked if I’m the reason someone else loses theirs. Even if he was a monster.
Despite his arsehole ways, Nick loved Lauren the best way he knew how. If he wasn’t such a wanker, I might have been jealous.
But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have stood my ground and fought for her. If I’m honest with myself, I knew some of the crap Nick spewed was true. I wasn’t good enough for her. I was the bad boy and she was the princess. It never would have ended well. I was her dirty secret. She may have told me that she didn’t want to keep what was between us hidden, but it was easy to say that when the outside world didn’t know what was going on.
The murmuring of voices from outside the office eventually filters through and I’m reminded of why I’m here. Pushing myself from the desk, I set about rummaging through the filing cabinets until I find what I need.
Just like the moment I first walked in, when I open the door and look out over the office beyond, everyone stops what they’re doing and looks up at me. A number of eyes narrow in anger; others just look confused. It’s good to know my memory wasn’t banished quite as quickly as I was.
Erica appears from the kitchen just as I take a step towards the exit. I’ve no interest in hanging around here and answering all their bullshit questions. There are only two people who deserve answers, and they’re my next stop.
“Ben, wait,” she calls, but I don’t stop moving.
She runs to catch up with me, but I’m already in the hallway by then.
“Look,” she says, placing her hand on my arm and attempting to spin me her way. “I’m sorry, okay?” Those words have me looking back at her. “You’ve no idea what it was like here after you left, and you turning up like that was just a bit of a shock.”
“None of that was by choice, Erica. I had no intention of leaving.”
“I…I know. Well, I don’t know, but I can only imagine how things went down.”
The depth of understanding I see reflected back at me both surprises and scares me in equal measures. But then, I guess she’s worked closely with Nick for years. She must have some clue as to what a manipulative bastard he was.
I open my mouth to say something, but I don’t get a chance.
“You don’t have to explain right now. You’ve got more important things to deal with. Lauren’s waited long enough to find out the truth, don’t you think?”
Nodding, I give her a sad smile and walk away.
“We’ll catch up soon, yeah? If you need anything, you know where I am.” I give her a quick nod, but I’m too intent on getting out of there to respond.
Dumping the folder full of paperwork on my passenger seat, I rest my head back against the headrest. I don’t really know how I was expecting that to go, but it certainly wasn’t what happened. The image of Lauren’s sad eyes and exhausted face fills my mind once again, and my fists clench. Even after death, that motherfucker manages to hurt her.
Erica’s right. It’s time she learnt the truth. Turning on the ignition, I start a journey that I’ve made a million times before, except so much is different now. The corner shop I used to buy lunch from is now a hairdresser's, there’s a new supermarket, and as I get closer to home, I find that they’ve managed to somehow shoehorn in a load more houses.
I park in a space a little down the street when I see the main gates to the house are closed.
As a kid, this place was my haven. I loved being here as much as Mum and Dad did and knowing my dad and grandad both designed and built it meant it was even more special. No other kids at school had homes like that. I always hoped it would be mine one day to bring my own family up in, but as I walk up to the front door, none of those old feelings are there. Everything I loved about this place has been tainted byhim.
After ringing the bell a few times and getting no response, I make my way around the rear of the house. I can’t believe my luck when I get to the French doors. This house must be worth well over two million by now, yet no one’s bothered to fix the dodgy back door. Exactly like when I was a teenager, if I twist the handle just right, the door slides open. It allowed me to sneak in and out hours past curfew many times over the years.
Mum and Dad were never really that strict. They didn’t have to be; I was a good kid. But after Dad died and Mum moved Nick in, things changed. I was a teenager hell bent on ruining my life, and he was a dickhead who couldn’t deal with an unruly teenage boy. I had to be in by ten at the latest every night, or he would lock the house down. Mum caught me sneaking in loads of times. She was well aware of the broken door, but it was never fixed.
Sadness runs through me. That could be the exact reason it’s still not been fixed. She’s holding out hope that one day I might just sneak back in. It was like she was giving me permission to do what I needed to do. She was drowning in grief after my father’s death, but she couldn’t have been blind enough not to see how Nick came in and basically took over our lives.
The second I step inside, the familiar scent of home fills my nose. Nostalgia hits me so strong that I stumble back against the door. Images of happy times with my parents, my grandparents, and Lauren play out like a movie in my mind. Innocent memories like childhood birthdays, family meals and Christmases; along with ones that have my temperature soaring like taking Lauren on the island after our failed attempt at cake making.
Walking over to the table, I fall down onto a chair and drop my head into my hands. In one sense, that weekend with her still feels like it was yesterday; but being back here now it feels like a lifetime ago. I can still vividly remember how she tasted mixed with icing sugar and cocoa powder.
My cock twitches as I relive that morning with her. Six years on and just the memory of her alone still affects me like she did back then.
Although there were three cars parked in the driveway, the house is in silence. After it being a loving family home filled with laughter for years, the silence and coldness became normal pretty quickly once Nick moved in. I guess nothing’s changed. The place still looks like a show home.
