Page 14 of Fighting for the Forbidden
“Of course. But just the two of you. Follow me, I’ll take you through.”
My heart races as the doctor opens the door and the end of a hospital bed is revealed. Tears burn my eyes and I swallow down the giant lump in my throat as I prepare to see Ben lying there, totally helpless.
“Oh my god,” I sob the second his body comes into view.
Jenny rushes forward to him, but I stay frozen to the spot, just staring at his lifeless body. My vision starts to blur again and I reach out to the doorframe for support as my heart races too fast. The anger that’s been simmering within me since seeing the photo of him in the strip club last night collides with my panic.
The only time I’ve really spent in a hospital before today was the day Dad died, and that was only to collect his stuff. His heart attack hit him while he was driving. Thankfully, he knew something wasn’t right, pulled over and called for an ambulance. But he never made it to the hospital. He crashed in the ambulance and they weren’t able to revive him. I knew at the time that I wouldn’t be able to cope seeing him hooked up to machines, but I think that might have been easier than what I’m witnessing right now.
“Lauren,” Jenny breathes, racing over and helping me towards one of the chairs next to Ben’s bed.
“I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can do this,” I chant as she lowers me down.
“Yes you can. You can do this because Ben needs you to.” Her voice is strong and steady and shows me that she’s more capable in a crisis that I think I ever gave her credit for. I never realised how smothered she was by Dad, but it’s only in the days since he’s been gone that I’m starting to see the real woman that was hiding behind his control.
“He’s quite heavily sedated, but you can talk to him. Hearing your voices might help,” the doctor says from the corner of the room.
Once Jenny’s happy that I’m okay, she turns to her son.
“Ben, baby, Lauren and I are here. Everything’s going to be okay.”
A sob erupts from my throat at her words. Standing, I turn to leave. I’m not strong enough for this.
“Lauren, he needs you.” Jenny’s words stop my progress to the door. “If you still care about him at all, you won’t walk out that door.”
Like a movie, images of our time together play out in my mind. The fun we had before he was ripped away from me. I remember the way he used to look at me with such awe in his eyes, the gentleness of his touch, his thoughtfulness. But then I’m once again filled with the emptiness that almost engulfed me when he left, and the anger from knowing what he was doing last night while I was breaking once again.
Letting out a sigh, I know what I need to do. This isn’t about me and my fears or anger. This is about Ben and his fight.
Turning back, I take the seat closest to him and slide my hand into his. The callus that used to feel rough against my skin is gone, reminding me that I’ve no idea what he’s been doing for work—or anything, really—since he’s been gone.
Jenny nods, and a very small smile quirks the corner of her lips. She moves the second chair to his other side, and I sit in silence as she talks nonsense to him.
“We should probably let the others know what’s going on.”
“I’ll go. You should stay with him. When he wakes, you’re the one he’s going to want.”
“No, I—” One look from Jenny and all arguments leave me.
Leaning forward, she presses a kiss to Ben’s forehead and silently leaves the room. The only sounds are that of the machines Ben’s hooked up to and my racing heart.
My head’s such a mess that I have no clue what I should be feeling right now. He threw me for a loop with his reappearance, but I never expected any of it to be this hard. I really thought Ben had gone for good, and when I got the call to tell me that Dad had passed away, I pushed any thoughts of him reappearing to the back of my mind.
The changes in him were obvious: his hair had gone, his muscles had grown and his tattoos were everywhere. I didn’t stand a chance with his good looks all those years ago, and I knew if he was sticking around that I was going to have a fight on my hands. It’s not just what’s on the outside though, and I can try to convince myself that it is until I’m blue in the face. There’s something inside him that just calls to me on a level I’ve never experienced with anyone else. Six years might have passed, but when he stared at me that first day, that feeling, that connection…it was still there, and it was stronger than ever.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared. I barely made it through the heartache of him leaving before. I know for a fact that, if I open my heart to him again, I will not survive the consequences when he changes his mind.
I stare down at my hand in his as I think about everything that’s happened since he reappeared…all the mistakes I’ve made. I told myself that I wouldn’t go there again, that I wouldn’t allow him to touch me, but I did. I broke every single fucking rule I made when he walked out of my life. I broke every fucking promise I made to Joe, and I can see his disappointment every time I look into his eyes. As angry as I am at him for breaking down the barriers I’d put up, I’m angrier at myself. I never thought of myself as weak, but knowing now how quickly I caved to him makes me think that I just might be.
That’s why it won’t happen again. I need to think about myself and my future. I want one where I’m not constantly either nursing the broken heart he’s so good at leaving me with, or wondering if today’s the day that he’s going to leave again. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who loves and protects me the way he promised all those years ago.
“You promised,” I sob, my emotions getting the better of me. “You promised that, no matter what, you’d protect me. But you walked away and caused me more pain than anyone else had the power to cause. I fucking loved you, Ben, with all my heart, and you just stomped all over it like it meant nothing to you.” Dropping my head into my hands, I continue to cry for everything I’ve lost.
Now knowing he left because of my dad doesn’t make any of it any better. Ben didn’t have to do what he was told. He could have stayed and fought, but he chose to follow orders and leave.
Sitting back when my tears have subsided, I refuse to look at him. I’m angry with him for so much that I don’t even know which bit to start analysing. All I know is that, right now, I love and hate him in equal measures. No matter how much I might want to walk out that door right now, I can’t. I can’t leave him here to fight this alone.
I tell myself that I’ll stay by his side until he’s pulled through, but then I’m gone, and whatever there might be between us is done. I can walk away knowing that he’s okay, and I can properly make a fresh start this time.
