Page 3 of Fighting for the Forbidden
“Ben, please,” she wails. “You can’t leave. What about your stuff?”
“I left with nothing once before. I can do it again.”
The sound of her cries hardly filters through the anger racing around my body as I storm from the house and jump in my car.
The roar of the engine does little to settle me, but the knowledge that I’m escaping helps a little. Running is probably the coward’s way out, but right now I don’t really give a fuck.
I drive around the city for the longest time, taking in the sights I grew up with as my anger slowly starts to simmer down. I intend on this being the last time I’m here for the foreseeable future. Once I’ve had my fill, I head towards the motorway that will take me home.
The ringing of my phone cuts through the silence in the car.
Erica’s name flashes on the dashboard. I want to ignore it, but at the last minute my thumb hits the accept button.
“Ben, are you there?” she asks after a few seconds of silence.
“Yeah.”
“Is everything okay? You sound weird.”
“I’m leaving.”
“You’re what?” she shouts, the volume making me jump and swerve the car. “You can’t leave. What’s happened?”
Looking up, I spot a sign for a place I haven’t been in a really, really long time. “Hang on, I’m just pulling over.”
Bringing the car to a stop in the almost deserted car park, I rest my head back.
“It’s over, Erica. I was stupid to think I could turn up here and everything would just fall into place. I’m not needed here anymore.”
“Stop talking shit, of course you’re needed.Ineed you. I know I don’t deserve it after what I did, but I need your help fixing everything I’ve done wrong. Your mum needs you. You’ve no idea how hard it’s been for her without you. And she might not show it, but Lauren needs you. She—”
“She’s got him. She said it herself, she’s moved on.”
“Do you truly believe that, Ben?”
After tonight, I want to say yes, but then I think about the small amount of time we’ve spend together over the last few days. The look in her eyes as she gazed up at me, the gentleness of her touch, her genuine smile when I caught her off guard. “I don’t know,” I admit quietly.
“I never thought you were the kind of guy who’d run the moment things got hard. I always thought you’d fight for what you really wanted, especially now you’ve got this second chance.”
My lips press into a thin line as her words hit exactly where she intended.
“You’ll regret leaving like this, and you know it.”
“I…I need to go.” I force the words out through the lump in my throat and hang up. She’s right; I would regret not knowing what could have been, but does that mean I’ve got the strength to stay and fight this out?
With my eyes tightly shut, I blow a long stream of air past my lips. Everything that’s happened in the last few days plays out like a movie in my mind. The arguments, the sorrow, the desire, the despair. Lauren’s face as she asked me to just lie with her the other night when she was so lost. Mum’s haunted eyes when she learnt the truth about her late husband. Can I walk away right now knowing how much they’re both hurting? Even if I caused some of it?
My thoughts are warring in my head as I push the door open and head out into the late summer evening. The sun’s just starting to set, casting everything in a soft orange glow. It almost makes this place look inviting.
I pass a couple of other people on the way, but no one pays me any attention, all too consumed by their own grief.
I’ve only been here once before, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know exactly where he is. I might have just been a kid, but every second of that devastating day is etched into my mind.
Mum tried convincing me to come here in the months after we lost him, but I always refused, not really understanding how standing and staring at a headstone could possibly help me.
As I come to stand in front of the place we laid my dad to rest twelve years ago, the same emptiness engulfs me like the first time I was standing in this exact place. I don’t think I’ll ever really come to terms with losing him the way I did.
Dad was my best friend, my hero, my idol. He was there playing football with me in the back garden one day, and then the next I was forced to say my final goodbye to him.
