Page 9 of Something Borrowed
“Tell me something no one else knows,” Tori urges with a big grin.
Considering something I could divulge without shaming him before his big day, I shoot a look at my son. “During high school and through some of college, we used to take a road trip every summer. Benji made us playlists for each trip. His top artist on each playlist was Taylor Swift. He claimed she sets the perfect tone for any trip anywhere.”
The entire table erupts with laughter as Benji feigns shock at my big reveal. He does not care if they all know he loves the polarizing popstar. He was always proud of his vast taste in all kinds of art. Besides, who would give the big, burly butcher a hard time about liking America’s sweetheart?
“Knew it,” Lawson taunts him, pointing at him with a rip of laughter. “Those study playlists you would make. There was always a Swift song on there. You swore you had no idea how it happened! You dog!”
“In my defense, she is a brilliant lyricist. Did all of youjerks a favor.”
Lawson laughs with Benji again and I smile. I want to know more about their friendship. I gather they met at Harmony Oaks College, while I was teaching at another college in Crystal Cove. How had I never met this friend? I thought I knew all my children’s friends. I guess a mother does not know everything after all.
Glancing across the table at me, Lawson smiles softly. That smile feels like a secret between the two of us. I ought to feel guilty. I guess I do a little. But the way I have felt since I met him is bigger than my guilt. I’ve felt excited, aroused, alive, and adored for the first time in my life.
Would it be so wrong to let myself indulge this weekend?
“Your turn, Lawson,” Beatrix cuts in, leaning across the table to make eyes at the young man. I am horrified to find my hackles go up as I am hit with a wave of jealousy. Towards my own daughter.
Beatrix is a stunning woman. Not because I am biased as her mother. With silky black hair that spills down her back in thick waves, sparkling green eyes always full of mirth, and a body she puts tons of work into, she turns heads wherever she goes. Next to her I feel as old, as basic, as I am but it has never been an issue before this moment.
Lawson’s eyes flick past her to land on me. I bow my head in disgrace. How dare I have any sort of negative feelings towards my own children? This thing is a huge mistake. A terrible sense of shame hits me. What could have driven me to do something so selfish? I have never behaved this way.
“We met at college,” Lawson’s deep lilt begins, a clear note of fondness in his words. “Benji was a friend to everyone there. I had just come to the States, and I wasn’t sure where I would end up. Turns out, I ended up on his couch. He took me under his wing as they say. If had not been for him, I am not sure Iwould have stayed at Hollow Oaks. I might have given up. It is no surprise to me he found Tori and wasted no time proposing. Benji always seemed to know what he wanted, to know where he was going. I was never that guy, I never knew who I was or where I was going. I’ve been all over the world because avoiding those two truths. One thing I want people to know about him is...he is the best man I have ever known, he never judged me for any of that. He wanted to be a friend. He isthe bestfriend. I am proud to be here to celebrate with him.”
Tears sting the back of my eyes as I watch Lawson talk about my son. About a man I am also proud to be here with. Tori swipes at her tears, laughing about how Lawson always speaks so well. It reminds me of how eloquently he spoke on the plane last night, then how filthy he whispered in my ear while we made love, and how heartfelt he spoke.
Lawson is one of a kind and well out of my league.
Beatrix comes up next, telling stories of their fun on our road trips together and how he always looked after her. Teasingly she tells a story about his favorite peanut butter and honey mustard sandwiches. I laugh with the others as they all take turns teasing them both, but I am disconnected.
Dinner breaks up and I spend some time with my son, assuring he has all he needs for the wedding Sunday. Tori wraps me in a long, warm hug after she tells me how she wishes her mother could be here with us. I tell them both I wish his father could be here too before I try to excuse myself.
“I love you, ma,” Benji tells me as he gives me a huge bear hug, lifting me off my feet the way his hugs always do. “I don’t need anyone else here but you and Bea. I love you both so much, and I am so lucky I have you and now Tori too. There is nothing to be sad about. This is all good stuff, ma.”
“I am proud of you. I love you both so much,” I whisper, dabbing at my tears. “The wedding will be beautiful. It will thestart of a beautiful life.”
“That beautiful life started the minute I met Tori. I knew it was her, even when she hated me,” he teases her, hugging her close, “I never knew that sort of thing happened. You meeting someone and it just...working.”
Brushing his dark hair back from his head, I nod. I am glad it came easily between him and Tori. I hope the same goes for Beatrix. I kiss his forehead and tell them both I love them before I turn to go.
The tapas place sits near the edge of the beautiful beachside resort where all the wedding festivities will take place. We’ve seen several folks from the other weddings since we’ve been here, everyone seems to be having such a lovely time on Heart Harbor Isle. Heading toward the water, I am deep in thought about how beautiful it is here and how glad I am to be here with my children and our families.
“Stop thinking this is a bad idea, love,” Lawson’s voice rumbles behind me.
Without turning to him, even though I want to, I nod my head. “It was an awful, terrible idea, Lawson. I have never let myself get so....”
“You want to say lost. This is not being lost,” his voice is warm at my ear as his hands grasp my hips. “Feels close to being found, Lark.”
Turning, I twist from his hold, glancing towards the others. Most of them still sit at the table, laughing, talking, having a good time with one another. I felt out of place. Tori’s mother is gone, and her father is not in her life. That leaves me as the sole grown-up amongst my son and his friends. I laugh as I think this. It is not as if they’re not grown-ups themselves.
“Lawson, please. I cannot say I regret last night,” I flush as I bow my head. “Or this morning. I do not. It does mean I cancontinue being so selfish.”
“Oh, love, you can be as selfish as you want. I might not know everything there is to know about you, or known you’re my best mate’s mother,” he pauses until I lift my gaze to his again. “What I do know is Benji never needed for anything. Neither did Bea. You gave them everything, even when you had so little left to give. Youcanbe selfish now.”
Standing there on the beach with him, the sun setting over the water, I want to be selfish. I want to let him take me back to his hotel room and do all the filthy things we talked all night about. To feel his hands on me and taste his kiss as he takes me to places I never knew I could go.
But I cannot be that person. I am not that person. Not now, not with one of the most important days of my sons’ life coming. Nothing else matters this weekend besides the wedding. Benji and Tori having a beautiful day they will remember forever. That is why I am here in Heart Harbor.
“Lawson, I did not come here for me.”
