Page 52 of A Duke Reformed
"That's not why I'm troubled," she said. "I am troubled that... I overstepped," she struggled to say. "You know me, Lavinia. I always try to be polite, I don't overstep, I stay in the shadows. Until recently, I never left the wall at balls. I just don't want him to think I was impolite."
Lavinia tilted her head sideways, giving Emma a knowing look. "I think it's high time you stop deceiving yourself, Emma. It might help if you admit it. That way–"
Emma's head snapped up. "No," she said quickly. Too quickly. "I mean... I don't. I can't. I just...I don't like how things were left."
Lavinia walked over to Emma and pulled her to the bed to sit. "You do realize how Andrew and I met, right? How we fell in love? It was unexpected."
Emma sighed. "Lavinia, it's not like that."
"Listen..." she urged her, taking Emma's hand. "I know why you are so adamant about this. In fact, I understand why you would want to keep denying whatever it is that you might feel. I was there when your mother died. Alice and I had to console you and we also witnessed how your papa spiraled. It's a scary concept, but you are not your papa, Emma."
Emma mellowed, dropping her shoulders. "He's frustrating," she said at last, her voice quiet. "What I can admit to you is that I find him incredibly attractive. He's handsome, yes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to him. But love?" She shook her head, eyes on the floor. "No. That's not what this is."
Lavinia smiled, just a little. "If you say so, my friend," she answered. "So, what do you want to do? Would you like to apologize for your utterance to him?"
"I already did. Immediately after," she said. "I don't know what's best to do. I know that if I keep meeting him for lessons, sooner or later, these feelings might blossom into something else. The best thing to do is to never see him again, that way, I put a stop to it immediately."
"But you need the lessons," Lavinia noted. "You need the money for Cecilia's dowry."
"I don't even know," Emma groaned. "Cecilia is... I'm not sure she will find a match this season, so... what's the use? We have been lucky. Lord Pearlton has not had time for social events in the last week, so he has not approached Cecilia or come calling at our estate. But we know that isn't going to last and soon, he will come back. Unfortunately, he is the only suitor showing interest and I know Cecilia would rather die than marry that man."
Emma inhaled sharply. "Goodness, I wouldn't even let her marry him. But my point is, he happened to kill whatever zeal she had going into the Season. She is uninterested in balls, or socializing in general."
Lavinia patted Emma on the back. "There's always next Season."
"Right. So... do I still need to be working this hard to make money for her dowry when we might not get a viable suitor this Season?"
"What about you then?" Lavinia asked. "Or have you forgotten that you too intend to make a match this season?"
Emma groaned and slumped on the bed. "Right. I am getting married this season."
Lavinia smiled. "You are? You're certain?"
"I have to be optimistic. If Cecilia doesn't get married, then I have to find a husband that would care for us. That way, we will have the dowry for her when the time comes." Emma paused to think. "Now it makes sense. I have to make sure that I have at least one dowry ready. For either Cecilia or for myself."
"So, you will continue the lessons?" Lavinia asked, laying by her side.
"I think I can handle two more lessons," Emma responded. "Or one more. Then, the dowry money would be complete. I wouldn't need to see him again. I'll just make sure that our final lesson is packed. It will be productive, efficient... professional."
Lavinia shifted, propping herself up to stare at Emma. "And after that?"
"After that, it'll be complete. Once he is out of my sight, everything will be back to normal."
"I understand," Lavinia said, nodding. "But you know I'm always here if you need to talk about it. Or not talk about it. Whatever you need."
Emma offered a faint smile, grateful but unwilling to linger on the topic. "Thank you, Lavinia. Truly. I really needed to talk to someone about this. Cecilia is sick of me talking about it. I walked into her room this morning to talk and she literarily screamed."
"What?" Lavinia giggled. "She screamed?"
Emma nodded. "According to her, if she hears anything about Solomon again, she will lose her mind."
"She said that?" Lavinia gasped, eyes wide with amusement. "Poor thing. You must have been driving her mad with your worrying."
"Poor thing?" Emma gasped. "What about me? I'm near losing my mind and Cecilia told me that she would be there for me. We had this beautiful conversation about my feelings and she assured me that she would help. But she cannot even help me process my thoughts."
"Emma, even you cannot process your own thoughts."
Emma chuckled lightly. "Ah, don't even get me started on Cecilia and my papa. I should be grateful that they have stopped their endless fighting, but Lavinia I was suffering so much. You have no idea."
