Page 61 of A Duke Reformed
"I see no need to rush things anymore," she explained. "If I marry now, feeling what I feel for Solomon, it would be very unfair to my husband. My heart cannot belong to one, while I think of another. So, I have to wait until this goes away."
"Emma, that is utterly ridiculous." Lavinia walked up to her and took her. "What if you never get over your feelings for him?. It's not simple. It's not something you can extinguish like a candle. Love is very complicated."
"That is exactly why I did not want things to get this far," she said as she sat on the window seat. "I had a plan. Now it failed, so I have to find something that works. I know what I'm doing."
"I highly doubt that," Lavinia said softly.
"Lavinia, I don't want you worrying. It's not good for the baby. Trust me, I am fine. No. Papa has changed... more than I expected, actually. He no longer demands I manage Cecilia and Dorothy's lessons myself. He is going to employ someone. I think he got some money from somewhere. It's not much, but he is spending it on the family, not gambling it away like he used to. He paid for Dorothy's dance lessons, and also, he bought Cecilia new dresses without having to sell any of mine."
Emma sighed and looked out the window. "And Cecilia...well, she's not the same girl she used to be," she continued, her lips curling into a smile. "She's still a handful, but she seems happier now. Free. It's pleasing to watch. She even suggested I take a break. Leave the house for a few days. Said it might clear my mind."
Lavinia sat by Emma's side. "She said that?"
"She did." Emma laughed lightly. "I was shocked too. But I suppose I've been hovering. Trying too hard to make things perfect for them when... maybe they no longer need me in the same way. No one needs me anymore. I don't know how to feel about that."
"They still need you, Emma," Lavinia replied.
Emma nodded. "Yes. Just not for the same reasons. Maybe that's a good thing. It means I've done well by them." Her voice dropped. "I don't have to try so hard anymore. Perhaps, I shouldlook into becoming a governess. I might be able to contribute my learnings to someone that needs it."
Lavinia blinked, momentarily stunned. "A governess? Emma, you are the daughter of a viscount."
Emma shrugged lightly. "And yet I have no dowry, no betrothal, and no pressing invitations. My value in the Marriage Mart has dwindled. You know my education has always been my greatest asset."
"All right, that's enough," Lavinia said, and stood facing Emma with both hands on her hips. "Emma, I have been where you are. Trust me on this. You need to tell him."
Emma gave a soft, breathy laugh and looked away, her arms crossing protectively over her chest. "Now, you are starting to sound like Alice," she murmured. "Always hoping for the impossible."
Lavinia stepped closer. "It isn't impossible. Andrew was the same, remember? I told you about it then. He didn't want a family. He didn't believe in love, and yet here we are. Things changed. He changed. For me. For us. Solomon can too."
Emma rose to her feet, feeling her frustration creeping in. "I don't want someone to change for me. That's not love. That's pressure. It's a ticking clock until resentment creeps in."
"That is not true!" Lavinia argued.
"Yes, it is!"
"So, are you saying that soon, Andrew will come to resent me?" Lavinia asked and crossed her arms. "Because that is what happened to me."
Emma froze mid step and her gaze softened. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "That's not what I meant, Lavinia. I'm sorry." She moved back to her friend's side. "I didn't mean to insult your love or what you share with His Grace. Truly."
Lavinia said nothing, but her shoulders eased.
"It's just... it's different with Solomon," she explained. "You did not understand why His Grace made such a decision back then, but I understand Solomon completely. That's the difference. I understand why he doesn't want children. So, how can I possibly convince him to even try when I would have probably done the same thing if I were in his shoes?"
Lavinia's hands slowly dropped. "You understand his reasoning?"
"I do," she whispered. "I really do."
Lavinia's expression crumpled with sympathy. Without another word, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Emma, pulling her into a tight embrace. Emma didn't resist. For a moment, she allowed herself to melt into her friend's warmth, to soak in the comfort she hadn't realized she was craving.
"Emma, you have to start thinking of yourself at one point," Lavinia whispered. "Sometimes it's all right to be selfish, not accommodating. But nevertheless, we will find a solution to this. Something that doesn't require you to keep breaking your own heart. Something that ensures your happiness, Emma. Not to worry."
Emma closed her eyes and nodded against her friend's shoulder. She wished she could believe it. Truly, she did.
But she was too tired to be optimistic.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"Istill say we should offer to purchase partial rights to the shipping lanes along the Northern coast," Andrew said evenly. "A collaborative stake in the route offers long-term returns for everyone involved."
