Page 58 of Persuading Penny
Pain? The word seems so unrepresentative of how I feel, so inadequate. No. I felt demolished, as if I were living the devastation of that rejection so long ago all over again.
You slighted me, Penny. And I couldn’t understand why. What had I done? What had I said to make you end our relationship so abruptly? For years I asked myself that question. Your letter had said so little. There was no real explanation; no justification; just the stern warning that I was not to come and try to see you, that I was not to try to change your mind.
For months I expected a letter or a call, anything telling me that you’d made a horrible mistake, that you’d changed your mind, that you’d realized how much you truly loved me. But that letter never came.
Of course, as those months passed, I managed to push thoughts of you to the furthest reaches of my mind. I concentrated on my career, on my second love; cinematography.
It worked. In time I found pleasure in life again. I was able to laugh again. I became successful and it brought me a degree of satisfaction. But my life came to an abrupt halt. That moment...the instant Keely introduced us, all the pain of the past came tumbling down on me.
I wish I’d been stronger in that very moment. I wish I could have faced you. Truth is, I saw the pain in your eyes, the same pain I’d harbored for so long. I saw how you wanted to reach out and talk to me. I began to suspect that you might not have been the one to choose the words you’d written eight years prior. That you might have been pushed to write those words that ended us. But still, I stubbornly refused to allow you back into my life.
Looking back, I now wish I’d been able to tell you right then and there how you hurt me. I wish we could have discussed it out in the open, and then...maybe then, we could have moved on to discover each other again. But life seems determined to keep us apart.
Seeing you with Steve Seagram was like a dagger to my heart. And at a poetry reading, no less. Don’t think me so naïve as to think you’ve not had other men in the many years we’ve been apart, but him?
Yes, I know him, or at least, I know of him. The Seagram fortune. The Seagram scoundrel. The Seagram scandal.
The Seagram plot to exploit a young innocent...like you. To wed her and take what he can from her.
I can already hear you; ‘Mind your own business. I shall love who I choose.’ I guess you’re right. I should mind my own business, but I can’t. That man is all wrong for you. I can see it in his eyes; the way he looked at you. The way he looked at me. I don’t believe his intentions are true, Penny.
You may think I’m simply speaking out of jealousy. Perhaps. I can’t deny that I’m a little jealous of the relationship you seem to have forged with him, but my reason for cautioning you is not out of jealousy, but out of true concern for you.
For all the anger I might have felt for you, I would never wish to see you harmed. The thought of this scoundrel hurting you pains me in ways you will never know.
Rumors say he has already bought a ring. I have no doubt that ring is meant for you. Has he already proposed? Have you already accepted?
Penny, I fear I may be too late, and if you have accepted his proposal, then I apologize for being so out of line. It’s not my intention.But I would be remiss to leave Bath without telling you... I must tell you how much I love you. I still love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. Yes, I was angry and hurt and, when I first saw you, I childishly sought to hurt you in return, but those games are over.
There. It is said. I had to simply tell you what’s in my heart. I must have the peace of mind that you know...you know how I truly feel.
With the production of Persuasion on hold for the next little while, I’ve opted to take on a small project in London. It’s something completely different from what I’m used to doing. I think the change of pace will do me good; will help clear my head.
I’ll be leaving later today, but I felt I had to let you know. Before you make any move, before you make a decision, know that I love you.
Always yours,
Cliff
