Page 22 of Carver
“Oh my god.” His hand finds my waist and fists in my pajama bottoms like he’s looking for a handhold even though he’s seated firmly on the bed beneath me.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know that I did the right thing.” I find the baby hairs at the very base of his skull, then stroke the longer strands. “I was trying to protect her and protect you. There were times that were so dark, you locked me out. Even during the worst of the past, you didn’t want it to touch me, but you let me shareyou. I wanted it to be clear that I wasn’t staying out of pity or obligation. I was just waiting for you to realize that life was still more than worth living. You had to do it foryou, not for me, and not for her. I’m not saying this right.” The panic is back, sending inky tendrils through me. “Is that wrong?”
His hand flexes and unfurls before he finds the sliver of skin between my t-shirt and the pajama bottoms and caresses it. His touch on my bare skin will never be anything other than fuel just waiting for a spark. “Other people might think it sounds wrong, but I understand. I was just existing. Barely. Youknewme. You knew me better than I knew myself. You knew what I needed.”
“I don’t know that I did.” That doubt is an ache that will stay with me forever.
“I’m telling you that you did,” he responds a little sharply, so that I’llhearhim.
“When I dream, I dream of us as a family. I want that so badly that sometimes I felt sick from it. My whole body ached like I have the worst fever.”
It was so hard, when I truly believed that we were meant to be together. It was doubly as hard, trying to hold it all together when our lives were like water, rushing between my fingers.
“I want to meet her,” Dominic states firmly. I haven’t heard him sound like this. I haven’t seen him look this way. This is new. The fiery determination taking root and growing with every second, the fight in him, is like accelerant dumped all over the glowing coals of his old fire. “I want to be a family. I know I’ve been an idiot. I got stuck in my head. I let all the stupid, unimportant things matter. What you did was right, Bronte.” I can barely breathe when he looks at me like this, brimming over with brokenness, but with a new light shining through the cracks. “You needed to wait until I was good and ready to be in her life.” He heaves out a shaky breath. “I’m just so afraid that I’ll fuck it all up.”
“No. No!” I have to keep my hands at his neck because if I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll forget myself. I have to hold him gently. “I love you with every type of love there is. We were friends first, then lovers. We’ve been lovers over time and distance. Through the worst and while we dreamed together. I now know the love of being a mother. I’ve learned how to love unconditionally. I’ve learned patience, and a bone deep fear that comes with being a mom. I want to love you that way too. As a partner in raising our child. Sometimes parents get it wrong, but we’re just human. My family has helped me so much. They’ll always be there for us. We can be there for her and for each other. That’s the best we can ever do.”
He blinks rapidly. “You always know what to say.”
“I definitely don’t,” I choke. “There are so many times when my feelings can’t be put into words. I have lived with this and trulystruggled.”
“I made a child,” he muses in wonder. “We did. You did.”
“I’ve had my family,” I reiterate. There’s absolutely no way that I could ever have done this without them. I couldn’t have doneanythingin my life without them. “I explained everything to them when I found out I was pregnant, and they’ve respected my wishes. More than that, they’ve adjusted their lives so that other people wouldn’t find out I had a baby. If you had ever found out from someone other than me, that would have been unforgivable.”
“I want to go to physical therapy, but other therapy too. I need it. I need to ask for help. Alone. Together. I need your family.” He bows his head, voice breaking. “Why did I do this to myself? Why did I shut down like this? Why did I listen to all those lies that told me I was unlovable when you’ve proved to me that I’m not?”
“Because conditioning goes deep.” I tilt his chin up and take a chance, leaning in to graze my lips against his forehead, sparking a chain reaction that hits all the way down to the soles of my feet. “It can take a lifetime to undo it. You’ve been through so much trauma. You survived. You thrived. You have this lovely, unbroken spirit.” I know how hard it is for him to trulyhearthose words, not just listen to them. “If there are other men at the club like Dravin, men who have been through the worst the world has to offer and are still here, maybe it would be a good thing to be a part of.” So much can change in such a short time. Every day should be lived because who knows if we get tomorrow? My parents raised us with that mentality, but it wasn’t until Dom’s accident that it really drove home that bad things can happen to young people too. I knew that, but knowing it and experiencing it are two very different things.
“You’d be okay with me joining a biker club?”
Honestly, after all the things Dominic has been through, a group of hardened bikers seems like a reprieve.
Especially if they’re like Dravin and the women are sweet and open like Kael said.
“I don’t think that Dravin’s friendship is conditional on your joining, if you don’t want to. I met their Prez, Tyrant, when I was camped out in front of the place.”
Dom groans. “Oh my god, Bronte. I can’t believe you did that.”
I’m finally at the point where I don’t feel like I’m going to burst into tears. I’m even able to tilt an eyebrow playfully. “Oh really? You can’t believe it?”
“I can. I never doubted for a second that you’d come. I just thought the guys would be more convincing in getting you to leave, no camping out required.”
“I think they hoped that if they didn’t come out, I’d just take care of the problem myself and leave.”
“I’ve only met Tyrant briefly, when he came to my place to see the sculptures, and once when Dravin brought me back here, before we went to Archer’s clinic, but he’s about as good a human as they come.”
“He looks like a model.”
“He does,” Dom admits with zero jealousy. “There are a few guys there who look that way. They should team up and do a magazine cover.Not so bad, but still badass bikers monthly.”
He even does the air quotes. He hasn’t done those in years. I’m so,sofreaking glad that he’s finding that dry sense of humor again.
“If there’s one thing that I wish you could have more, it’s people in your corner.”
“It meant everything to have you and your family,” he says, voice getting thick.
“I know. I’m so sad that my grandpa had to die the way he did, but it was his getting sick that brought us back here. I do wish I could have met you sooner. That’s the only thing I regret is not being there when you needed someone.”
