Page 15 of Dust and Desire
I tried. God, I tried. But as I shifted into warrior pose, my thoughts drifted back to the river. To Alex. To the way he’d looked atme when he caught me staring, not angry or embarrassed, but almost... frightened maybe? There had been something in his eyes I couldn’t quite place.
“Focus on your breathing,” Ciaran reminded me from the screen.
“I’m trying,” I grumbled, wobbling slightly as I transitioned to tree pose.
Soon I hit a rhythm, mimicking all the poses on the screen while tuning the world out completely. Instead, I was left with my own thoughts. I thought about Ali, about my life back in New York, and about everything I’d left behind when I came out. Yoga was supposed to be about letting all that go and relaxing, but it seemed this session was going to be rife with internal monologue and self-blame.
By the time the video ended I found myself lying on my back, staring up at the knotty pine ceiling of my cabin. Beams of sunlight cut through the room diagonally, signaling the coming sunset. I closed my eyes, trying desperately to focus on my breath and allow my body to relax.
I wondered if I should tell Alex that it was me at the creek. Surely that would be a mistake though. Even if he was gay and into me, I was fairly certain nobody liked a peeping tom. But what if he wanted me to see? What if he knew it was me the entire time? What if… I could be brave enough to let him into my solitary world? What if I could…
A knock at the door made my eyes fly open and I sat up, groaning. My body was sore from lying on the hard floor. One glance up at the window told me why. The sun had been replaced with the moon and stars. Clearly, I’d fallen asleep. And that meant I’d missed the barbeque at the Baker’s. Not that I planned on going anyway, but…
Another knock at the door.
I stretched and pushed myself onto my feet, groaning at the aches in my back and butt. That would be either Logan, Dakota, or maybe both. They always brought me food afterward if I didn’t go to a cookout. Mrs. Baker seemed intent on making me as fat as possible.And the boys always seemed worried about me. Even Dakota, who had been quite the loner before I came along, seemed to think it was unhealthy to spend so much time by myself. Maybe they were right.
Shuffling to the door, I tried to smooth down my hair, which had dried in all sorts of weird directions after my impromptu nap. I pulled the door open, ready to thank whichever poor soul had been tasked with feeding the recluse tonight.
My heart stopped.
It wasn’t Logan or Dakota standing on my porch. It was Alex.
“Hey,” he said, his voice soft in the darkness. He held up a heavy-looking plate covered in tin foil. “Thought you might be hungry since you missed dinner.”
I stood frozen, unable to form words. The man I’d just been fantasizing about, the man whose naked body I’d seen only hours ago, was at my door, delivering me food. My face burned hot, and I prayed the porch light wasn’t bright enough for him to notice.
“Can I come in?” he asked when I didn’t respond.
“I—yeah, sure,” I stammered, stepping back to let him enter. My tiny cabin suddenly felt microscopic with him in it. “Sorry about the, uh...” I gestured vaguely at the yoga mat still on the floor.
Alex smiled, and damn if it didn’t light up his whole face. “You do yoga? Me too. Helps with the back pain from riding all day.”
The image of Alex in downward dog flashed through my mind, and I had to turn away, pretending to straighten some books on my shelf. “Yeah, it’s... uh… relaxing.”
“Beau made some of his famous brisket,” he said, setting the plate down on my small kitchen table. “And Lucas made corn bread too. He wanted to make sure you got some.”
I glanced down at the overloaded plate. “Just some? There’s enough food here for a family of four.”
Alex laughed, a beautiful sound that went straight to my heartstrings. “Yeah, Mrs. Baker went a little overboard, I think. She seems to think you’re too skinny.” He cocked his head to the side, giving me a good once over from head to toe. “You look good to me, though.”
My face was on fire in an instant and I knew I must’ve turned beet red. But before I could say anything, Alex was clicking his tongue.
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I know you’re not used to that sort of thing. Or well, Caroline says you aren’t. I know I can come on a bit strong when I see somethin’ I like.” He clicked his tongue again, turning away. “Dammit, I did it again.”
“It… It’s okay,” I replied, my voice trembling despite my every effort. “I… uh… I’m just not sure how to respond.”
“A lawyer not knowing what to say?” Alex chuckled. “That’s a new one.”
“Corporate lawyer,” I corrected. “I did small talk on golf outings and that was it. My entire career was lived behind a desk and emails.”
Alex stuffed his hands in his denim jacket, cocking one hip to the side in what was probably a normal stance for him but looked incredibly sultry to me. “Did you like it? Big city life?”
“Not really,” I said, leaning against my bookshelf. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I picked up one of the books and began to thumb through it nervously. “I think I did once, but that was a long time ago.”
“Ever miss it?”
I thought for a moment, recalling my penthouse apartment, my ex-wife, the lavish dinner parties we attended, and the endless traffic.
