Page 70 of Dust and Desire
“Yeah.” I glanced at my phone again, the silence from himgrowing more concerning by the minute. “He makes me feel like I’ve been pretending to be someone else my whole life, and he’s the first person to see the real me.”
Ali reached across the table and covered my hand with hers. “That’s beautiful. And terrifying.”
“Why terrifying?”
“Because when someone sees you that clearly, they also see all your flaws. All your damage.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “What if they decide you’re not worth it?”
The raw honesty in her voice made me squeeze her hand. “Then they were never the right person to begin with.”
She smiled, but it was shaky. “When did you get so wise about love?”
“I’m not wise about anything,” I laughed. “Just made enough mistakes.”
“You and me both.”
I stared at her as her expression darkened. “Do you mean me?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
Ali sighed, clearly not wanting to answer but knowing she was backed into a corner. “Yeah,” she said at last. “I guess I do.”
“I understand,” I replied quietly, knowing I deserved it.
“I was so mad at you,” she added, staring at the table. “For the longest time. I tried not to be, but I couldn’t help it.” She finally lifted her gaze, a sad look in her eyes. “I felt like I wasn’tallowedto be angry. If you’d been straight and cheated on me or something, I would’ve had every right in the world to be pissed. But when you came out… I knew you’d been struggling. It hurt you so much to even admit it to yourself that I didn’t want to add to your pain. I pushed mine aside and tried to support you, tried to be a good ally.” “You didn’t have to do that?—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I did at first. But after you moved away, I was free to be upset, to talk badly about you or make crude jokes. And you know what? It didn’t make me feel any better. Because… well, because I still loved you.”
I just sat there listening and feeling like the biggest jerk on the planet. “I’m sorry, Ali,” I said at last. “Really. If I could go back and change it… I would.”
“I know you would,” she nodded with a soft smile. “And that’s why I’m still friends with you. We’re still good together, just not as a couple.” Then she let out a big sigh. “But my dumb ass went and made the same mistakeagain.”
That caught my attention. I raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“I never told you why I broke up with Jason, did I?”
“No,” I said, trying not to show my mounting curiosity. It seemed impertinent to ask.
“Well, I’m not too proud of it,” she began, sighing out the words. “But he was in the shower one morning and I heard a strange notification from his phone. Turns out he doesn’t keep it locked, and I checked it.” She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “It turned out he was on Grindr.”
A sharp inhale escaped my lips before I could help myself.
“Yep,” she nodded. “Not only that, but the messages he was getting were from some guy that he had apparentlyfuckedthe afternoon before without me knowing.” She held up a hand before I could speak. “I would’ve been thrilled if he told me he was bisexual. A hot threesome with two guys sounds great.But…” she added with that angry tone I’d heard more than once. “Cheating on me is not okay. And to be honest, him trying to hide it hit a little too close to home.”
“I’m so sorry, Ali,” I said quickly, feeling like this was somehow my fault. “And just so you know, I never cheated on you. At all. The first man I’ve ever been with was Alex.”
“I know,” she said softly, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. “I never thought you did. That’s what makes it worse with Jason. He didn’t just lie about who he was, heactivelybetrayed my trust.”
I nodded, understanding the distinction. There was a world ofdifference between being terrified of your own identity and deliberately deceiving someone who trusted you.
“Anyway,” Ali continued, waving her hand dismissively, “I didn’t come here to dump all my baggage on you. I came to see if you were happy, and clearly you are.” Her eyes softened. “Alex seems wonderful.”
“He is,” I said, glancing at my phone again. Still nothing. The knot in my stomach tightened. “I’m getting worried, Ali. It’s not like him to go radio silent like this.”
Ali frowned, studying my face. “Have you called the ranch? Maybe he’s still working.”
“I could try Logan,” I said, already scrolling through my contacts. “He’d know if something came up.”
As I was about to hit call, the diner door swung open. My head snapped up, hope flaring in my chest, but it wasn’t Alex. It was Caroline, her long dark braid swinging as she scanned the diner. When her eyes landed on our table, specifically on Ali, her face broke into a smile that I’d rarely seen on her usually serious face.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” she drawled, sauntering over to our booth. She nodded at me but her eyes quickly returned to Ali. “Didn’t expect to see you here, city girl. Thought you’d be soakin’ in a hot bath after the workout I gave you today.”
