Page 37 of Beg for Death
"Hey, you called me Felix!"
"I swear I will kill you!" I snapped.
"Sorry, sorry!" he blurted out, his face turning pink as he smiled up at me with a toothy little grin. "You mean, like, a safe word? I always liked the simple ones the best. Red means stop,yellow means slow down, green means everything is good, to keep going."
I nodded slowly. "Hmm, okay. We'll do that then." I laid him back down on his pillow. "Lie down. You're probably going to be a little unsteady."
Felix laid down as I laid him back gently. I got up and walked into his bathroom. Looking around, I found a cloth and dampened it with soap and water. I squeezed out the excess water and turned on my heels, walking back over to him. He was still there, staring at me now as if he was trying to figure out what was happening.
I started washing his body slowly. Gently, I lifted his arm and dragged the rough fabric over his skin. Felix watched with a perplexed look on his face as I started to clean him up.
"Shut it," I ordered. "I don't want you stinking up my cabin. You already shot your load all over my couch. I don't need more of a mess."
Felix's cheeks flared. He nodded up and down, but even though his face was red, he still couldn't wipe that stupid smile off of his face. I growled.
"Idiot," I muttered.
"Your idiot," he whispered.
Everything in me tensed. Your idiot. Like he meant something to me. He didn't. That was never going to happen. I scrubbed harder than necessary before he hissed. He pulled his hand away and frowned.
"If you keep still, I won't have to be so rough," I snapped. "Give me your arm. Now, boy," I snarled when he didn't move immediately. Finally, his arm was back in my hands.
I kept going, cleaning him up slowly. As I swiped the towel all over his body, I didn't look him in the face. Couldn't. Whatever this was? It was getting more odd as the days went by. I knew itwas tainting what I was supposed to be doing. I could feel it. But even that wasn't enough to make me want to stop.
My strokes were methodical. I cleaned him, going down his body until I cleaned between his thighs. Lube and sweat disappeared into the soap-scented cloth until he was clean. Once I was done, I pulled back and stood up.
"Stay here."
I left him to rest on the bed for a minute before I heated up last night's food. Tacos that I'd made from slow roasting a cut of beef for hours. Cilantro rice was scooped on the side, and I added a piece of chocolate cake that I'd picked up from town the night before. I carried all of it back into the bedroom and sat it on the bed.
"Here," I said. "You should eat something. And drink some more water."
Felix glanced up at me with those big eyes. "Can you feed me?"
Grumbling, I picked up the fork. I scooped up some rice and fed it to him before I picked up a taco. Felix took a bite and hummed happily. His bear was clutched to his chest, his toes wiggling. The image of someone happy, satisfied, and feeling good. He was a confusing person.
How could he be thriving here? With me?
I had never been mean to Jasper. No, I treated him like gold, saving the worst parts of me until I was with my next victim. They were the ones that got parts of me that Jasper never had to witness. That he never had to suffer. Felix? He was getting it all and he wasn't running. Wasn't trying to get away from me.
"Why don't you run?" I asked. "How can you be doing… better here? It seems like you're doing better." I frowned. "I don't understand what's going on with you."
Felix stopped to look at me. For a long time, he was quiet. I watched the way his jaw worked as if he wanted to tell me, buthe didn't know how or what to say. Finally, his plump lips parted and he glanced away from me, staring at the floor instead. He toyed with his fingers.
"I don't know," he muttered. "I mean, I'm used to being ignored. Or feeling invisible. Everyone I ever knew treated me like they could see right through me. Friends, my ex, my dad. You don't look right through me. It's like… you see me."
My stomach tightened at his words. He wasn't wrong about that; I did see him. All of him. Probably even when he didn't want me to. I'd started to enjoy seeing bits of him that no one else had ever gotten to see because they were too busy being stupid. I was sure he'd tried to show other people, but I was the only one smart enough to look and to keep looking.
"Yeah," I muttered. "Well, you don't have to feel like that anymore."
Felix finally glanced back at me. "Really? Why not?"
I grabbed his knee. "Why not? You know why not."
He tilted his head. "But I don't, though."
I pushed my fingers through my hair. God, was I really going to have to say it out loud? The words bubbled in my throat, the feeling like acid tearing up my trachea and threatening to make me vomit. For the first time ever, I was so nervous that I didn't know if I could even say it.
