Page 45 of Beg for Death
I would normally jump at the chance and slip into Ezra’s lap to be held for the rest of the night. But the thought of his hands touching me pissed me off. I didn’t even look like my dad except maybe the shape of my nose and eyes. Unlike him, anytime I tried to grow facial hair, it came out patchy. Vitiligo appeared all over my body, and unlike my dad, I was on the chunkier side of things.
Ezra snapped his fingers in front of my face. “What?” He glanced down at the laptop screen but I knew I erased any evidence I was on it. His shoulders relaxed as he saw the screen still the same. He reached over it and closed it. “I can’t ever get you to shut the hell up and now you’re quiet?”
I stood up, needing air but knew I wasn't going to be allowed to get any. “I don’t feel well.” I stripped the hoodie off and placed it on the back of the couch. The fibers were drenched in his cologne and musk and it only made me confused. Because I was hurt and angry, and still, I wanted him to grab me and tell me I was his.
“Think I’m going to be sick.” I covered my mouth with the back of my hand.
Ezra closed the distance between us, instantly checking my temperature with the back of his hand.
“You’re sweating but no fever. I knew I should have told you no to all that food.”
I shook my head. That wasn’t why I didn’t feel good. I wanted to cry in his arms and tell him everything that was wrong so he could fix it but I couldn't. The moment I opened my mouth, reality would truly hit me. I’d be faced with the facts.
“I’m going to bed.”
Ezra’s brows dipped as I took a step back from him. Being so close to him was making my head fuzzy. For a split second, a single thought came through. I could force him to be mine. But someone like Ezra couldn’t be forced to do anything they didn’t want.
“I’ll be in there shortly. I have to finish up some stuff.”
A single nod was all I could muster as I skirted around him, avoiding any more contact. I wanted to run down the hall, but I forced myself to walk, to take my time all while my thoughts raced. There was no end to what came to mind. The tears broke free the moment I closed the bedroom door. I snatched my teddy from the bed as I cried into the worn fabric and slid down the door.
The teddy bear had been the only thing in my life that had belonged to me. Had soaked up more tears than laughter.
I’m fucking stupid.
My finger nails dug into my thighs, breaking the skin the tiniest bit. It wasn’t enough pain to silence my head but it took the edge off. It was my own fault. Ezra had kidnapped me for a reason, and I knew it had to do with my dad, but fuck, not this.
Who was better, me or him? Did I turn Ezra on more? Was I a better kisser? I sure as shit wasn’t experienced enough. I had nothing else going on for me. I wasn’t successful. I didn't even have a paying job. I’d gotten lucky with my scholarship for school. Unlike my father, who was better than me in every way.
The comparison was eating me alive as I examined myself. I was even flat-footed, something he’d pointed out to me as a child. The hair on my legs grew out in two different colors thanks to the vitiligo. My cock was a little smaller than average. The moon crescent shape indents on my thigh made me pause. They were red and angry. One or two of them even sported the smallest bead of blood. A bitter laugh tumbled free. And to top it all off, I was a fucking mental patient.
Tears wouldn't stop even as I desperately scrubbed at my face. I forced myself up and crawled into the bed. I curled around teddy and wished for it to all disappear.
Days slipped by,and I was drowning in my own head without so much as a life jacket. I closed my eyes and I saw the picture of Ezra and my dad together. It would quickly spiral out of control and I'd imagine how they were together. Ezra was smiling in the picture. A smile I hadn’t seen on his face any of the times we’d been together. That was proof, right?
My dad was better. My dad was the one Ezra wanted.
I turned over in bed and the effort literally took all of my energy.
“Are you still in bed?” Ezra’s warm voice tried to lure me in like a honey trap.
I knew it was all fake. When he looked at me, he saw my dad. That was the only reason he was interested anyway.
“Do you hear me talking to you?” The sharp slap to my ass rattled through my bones.
I didn’t so much as make a sound as he hit me again. The pain was like a fuzzy blanket over my thoughts. For a split second, everything went silent.
“Do it again,” I pleaded.
When another hit didn’t come, I let out a shaky breath. The blanket was ripped off me and I was hit with light. I squinted and my eyes felt itchy and dry. I’d stopped crying yesterday, leaving my eyes red-rimmed and puffy.
“What is your problem?” Ezra looked me up and down, his brows furrowed. “What did I say about damaging my property?” He grabbed my thighs and spread them, examining the marks I left on them.
“So what.”
Ezra slowly rose with a dangerous glint in his dark brown eyes as they focused on me. The air in my lungs froze as I was faced with a man I’d seen kill plenty of times now.
“What was that?”
