Page 23 of Hope and Happiness in Bluebell Wood
Does Callum have children?I puzzle this in my mind for a moment.
‘Actually, I have – two. Hannah and Matt – well, Matthew.’ At the sound of his name my mind immediately begins to fretabout his fast approaching move, as it had done far too many times since he’d told me about it. But it’s stopped in its tracks by Callum.
‘Good Biblical names there,’ he says approvingly.
‘Oh yes, I suppose they are,’ I say vaguely, as my mind is forced back to the present. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it.’
‘Are they with their father? I’m assuming they must still be quite young?’
‘No, they’re both in their twenties. Hannah works in Lincoln and Matt is at uni in York. He’s going on a year abroad soon – to New York,’ I force myself to say. I had to deal with it sometime.
‘Wow – that will be fun. I wish I’d had a year in New York.’
‘Yes,’ I say, sounding less enthusiastic.
‘Worried about him going?’ Callum asks perceptively.
I shrug.
‘Nothing wrong with that. We all worry about our loved ones. It’s only natural if you care for someone to be concerned for their welfare.’
‘Yes, I suppose it is.’ I stare at him. Somehow hearing Callum say it made it sound okay.
‘Are you all right?’ he asks.
‘Yes, I’m absolutely fine,’ I say, smiling at him, my mind suddenly feeling clearer than it had in a long time. Of course it was all right to worry about your children. I’d be an odd mother not to, wouldn’t I? Trying to stop myself from doing so had made me worry all the more.
‘So you must have been quite a young mum, then?’ Callum says, attempting to fill the gap in our conversation.
I feel sorry for him. It must seem like I’m acting very strangely.
‘Fairly young,’ I say, suddenly realising how much I’m tellingCallum about myself. When I’d moved here to get away from everything, I’d sworn I’d keep myself to myself, and now here I was sharing everything with the local parish priest; but it didn’t feel scary, it felt good. ‘You’re very good at getting people to talk, you know?’ I tell him as we emerge into a more familiar part of the wood. ‘Does it come with the job?’
‘Partly, I suppose. But sometimes people just interest me and I want to know more about them.’
‘I can assure you I’m not interesting in the least,’ I say, tapping my leg to get Merlin to come closer, also so it gives me an excuse to look away from Callum again. He has an incredible ability to pull you into his gaze so you don’t want to look away, and I really need to pull away right now. For a casual conversation this is already feeling far too intense.
‘Well, I disagree,’ Callum says, his voice sounding different. He’s lost his usual light cheery tone; his voice now sounds more thoughtful as he speaks. ‘I think you’re an incredibly intriguing person, Ava, and one I would very much like to get to know better.’
Seven
April arrives, and so does a blast of colder weather.
This prevents me from opening the French windows too often, but doesn’t prevent the robins from visiting my bird table; in fact, to their great annoyance they’re regularly joined by a few other feathered friends – a pair of blackbirds, some collared doves, an odd wood pigeon – and, to my enormous excitement, a blue and a great tit. Evelyn’s bird books have been a huge source of information and, surprisingly, enjoyment for me, but I find I need to study them less and less as I begin to recognise any new visitors to the table myself.
I take great delight in watching the robins suddenly appear when one of the other birds decides to visit the table. It doesn’t matter what size the bird is, one of the robins will always pop up, bravely trying to defend its territory – just like the book had said they would.
I’m getting so many birds on my table now that I’m fast running out of food for them. I think about ordering some to be delivered online, but then I decide that’s just silly when there’s a perfectly good shop down the road.
If my birds can be brave enough to try something new, and then keep returning even if others are about, then so can I, I decide. So one morning Merlin and I set off through the village to Peacocks Farm Shop.
Along the way, I find myself hoping that we might bump into Callum again. I hadn’t seen him since we’d walked together in the woods, and even though I tried really hardnotto want to see him again, the truth was I really did.
But other than a few odd villagers out and about around the shop and the school as we pass, we don’t see anyone we know. As always, people smile and nod at us, acknowledging our presence, but no one stops to talk, and although that pleases me, for the first time in averylong time, there’s a tiny part of me that’s a little sad.
It’s not surprising, I think to myself as we walk,the majority of your life has been spent constantly surrounded by people, both at work and at home, so to find yourself living alone with only Merlin for company is going to feel a little odd from time to time. You’ll get used to it.
We arrive at the farm shop, and I pause before I push on the gate, taking a deep, calming breath.
