Page 92 of Hope and Happiness in Bluebell Wood
‘This is what they dropped,’ he says, holding up what looks like a pink sweet. He passes it to me.
‘It’s one of those Love Hearts sweets that children sometimes have,’ he explains, in case I don’t know. ‘Look what it says on it.’
I turn the sweet over in my hand. It simply says,Love You.
‘Can there be any clearer sign than that?’ Callum asks. ‘I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought,Why would a dove be carrying one of those sweets around in its beak?And then I remembered your bird table and the gifts you’ve been left on there, and I knew it was the sign I needed.’
I stare at the sweet and the wordsLove You.
‘It’s a sign, Ava,’ he says happily. ‘It’s a sign that God is giving us his blessing.’
‘Okay . . . ’ I say, still looking at the Love Heart. ‘So, what you’re saying is, if you hadn’t been given this sweet this afternoon, you wouldn’t be here now?’
Callum looks back at me and his ecstatic expression wavers slightly. ‘Does it matter now? The fact is I am. I’m here with you – somewhere I’ve wanted to be since I first met you.’ He moves closer to me in the bed, but I find myself moving away.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asks, looking puzzled.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say, slipping out of the bed and grabbing a dressing gown from a hook on the back of the door. ‘It’s just all this . . . well, this God stuff.’
Callum looks at me like he doesn’t understand.
‘I get you’re a vicar – that’s what you do. That’s your job. ButIwant you here with me becauseyouwant to be here, not because you think someone gave you permission to be.’
‘Ava, the Church isn’t my job, it’s my vocation, my calling. I can’t just go against its wishes whenever I feel like it. I need validation, confirmation I’m on the right path. That I’m making the right decisions in life.’
‘And God always makes the right decisions, does he?’ I ask, as I feel my insides begin to twist uneasily.
‘Yes, of course he does.’
‘You’re sure about that?’
‘What’s this about?’ Callum asks. ‘I get the feeling we’re not just talking about you and me now?’
‘Nothing,’ I snap. ‘Look, perhaps you should go. I need to think.’
‘Think about what?’
‘About whether I can dothis.’ I wave my hands between the two of us. ‘You’ve spent so long thinking about whether it’s the right thing for you to do, you haven’t given any thought to whether it’s the right thing for me.’
Callum climbs out of bed now too. He pulls on his trousers, which this time are lying beside the bed. ‘I just assumed this is what you wanted. You seemed pretty keen earlier.’
‘I was. I mean, I am. Oh, I don’t know. I hoped you being a vicar wouldn’t be an issue. I mean, I wondered if it might be when I met you. But I thought I could get past that.’
‘Why is it something that needs getting past?’
I stare at him standing shirtless in my bedroom with just his trousers on.
Callum couldn’t look any less like a vicar right now. But he was, and he’d made it perfectly clear just how much his belief in God meant to him.
‘Because I don’t believe,’ I tell him suddenly, knowing it has to be said before this goes any further. ‘I don’t believe in God, Callum.’
I look at him but he doesn’t respond, so I continue.
‘I used to think there might something else going on, something other than just this.’ I vaguely wave my hand around the room. ‘But then things changed. I changed. I simply can’t accept there’s some higher being up there looking down on us all. If there was, he’d protect us, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t allow awful things to happen in the world. He wouldn’t let bad things happen to good people.’
I stand defiantly, my hands on my hips, awaiting his response.
‘So, now you’ve heard all that, Callum, how do you feel about me?’
