Page 95 of Hope and Happiness in Bluebell Wood
‘It was a real wake-up call for Mum and Dad; I think they thought she was just high-spirited up until then. I knew a little more, but as her big brother I helped her hide it from them. I was always the one she called when she was in a police cell, or worse. Sometimes she’d wake up in someone’s house and have no idea who they were, or where she was. I’d be the one who’d have to track her down by her vague descriptions, and go and collect her. It was about then I started to pray for the first time.’
He glances at me to see my reaction, but I consciously keep my expression neutral. ‘Go on,’ I encourage.
‘It wasn’t even proper praying to begin with – not how I understand praying now.’ He smiles as he remembers. ‘I just used to say a few words and look up to the sky. I didn’t know who I was talking to, but it gave me comfort to feel like I was talking to someone. Someone who wouldn’t judge me and what I considered were my failings towards Jena.’
I nod.
‘The more Jena got in trouble and the more she tried to take her own life, the more I prayed, until one day I wandered into a church and sat in a pew. It was when Jena was at her worst. I remember properly kneeling down, hands clasped together – the full thing – and begging God to save her, to do something, anything, to help my sister to live. I have to admit I left that church questioning my own sanity. No one was going to help my sister, if my sister didn’t help herself.’
Callum tries to take another sip of his water, but finds his glass is empty.
‘Shall I fill that for you?’ I ask.
Callum shakes his head. ‘No, it’s fine. I need to finish this now. Where was I . . . ? Oh yes, so the next day I was out walking when I got a phone call. Jena’s name was flashing on the screen, so I answered immediately. But it wasn’t Jena on the other end of the line; it was a stranger, who then proceeded to tell me that she’d been walking her dog along the Thames river path when she’d seen Jena fall from a bridge into the water. She wondered at first if it was someone larking about – kids jumping off the bridge. But when Jena didn’t immediately rise to the surface, she became worried. It was then she saw a man appear from nowhere and jump into the river to try to save Jena. She ran towards them both, but by the time she got there, the man had managed to get both himself and Jena back on to the riverbank. Jena was in a bad way, and the man had begun to give her CPR. The woman immediately phoned for an ambulance, but it was shortly after this that she discovered Jena’s shoes, phone and a note placed carefully on the side of the riverbank.’
‘Was it a suicide note?’ I ask quietly when Callum pauses again.
Callum nods. ‘This time she’d tried drugsanddrowning.’ He takes a deep breath and continues. ‘Even though Jena appeared to be living on a different planet most of the time, she managed to remain quite organised when it came to attempts to end her life. She’d left her phone unlocked and my number on her note, so the lady rang me immediately to tell me what had happened. By the time I got to the hospital Jena was in a pretty bad way, and this time she had around-the-clock suicide watch on her.’
‘I’m really sorry, Callum,’ I tell him again. ‘That must have been awful for you.’
‘I’m not telling you for pity,’ Callum says, ‘I’m telling you to try to help you understand.’
‘Sure, go on.’
‘After I’d seen Jena, I asked the nurses if they knew what had happened to the man who saved her – the one who dived into the river. They didn’t. Jena had been brought in on her own in the ambulance. So I contacted the woman who had rung me, to see if she knew. But she said, and this is where it gets interesting, that as soon as the ambulance arrived the man had disappeared – even though he’d been on the ground trying to save her, soaking wet and exhausted. Once the paramedics had taken over, he’d vanished.’
Callum looks at me with expectation, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond.
‘Don’t you see, Ava? The man had gone, vanished into thin air, the woman said. Jena had a guardian angel that looked out for her that day – just like I asked for. Okay, I’ll admit before you say it, it was likely just a passer-by who didn’t want to get involved and left as soon as he knew she was all right. Some people don’t want to be heroes, I get that. But my point is, it didn’t matter how she was saved or who saved her, her life was spared that day, just like I’d prayed for in the church. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was like a light bulb lit up in my mind. I suddenly began to notice all the people who were doing selfless things, day in and day out. Whether they were have-a-go heroes, nurses by Jena’s bedside or the volunteers that gave their time to the hospital for free, and I knew it was my time to start giving something back to society, instead of taking all the time.’
‘So you decided to become a vicar?’ I ask doubtfully.
‘No, not to begin with. I volunteered for charities; I went overseas to distribute relief with Christian Aid. It was then I began to think more about how I could make a difference in my own country.’
‘When you were overseas, I bet you saw some terrible things,’ I say as carefully as I can. ‘Instead of making your belief stronger, didn’t it make you wonder why those things had been allowed to happen in the first place?’
Callum nods his head slowly. ‘Yes, if I’m totally honest, I did begin to question things. Some of the poverty and conditions people were living in were appalling. But I believe for every bad thing that happens in the world, something good always comes from it. I’m not suggesting for a moment that the bad thing isn’t terrible for those that are living through it, but even in the darkest of times you can find light, Ava. There’s always light.’
‘But there’s evil, too,’ I challenge. ‘You can’t deny there’s evil in this world, can you?’
Callum looks calmly back at me. I can tell he’s trying to work me out, but his expression remains tranquil and composed.
‘I think it’s my turn now,’ he says steadily. ‘My turn to hear your story, Ava. What happened to change your path in life and bring you here to Bluebell Wood?’
Thirty
‘How do you know something happened?’ I ask innocently. ‘I might have decided like you to take a different path in life.’
‘But you didn’t, did you? I get the feeling something pretty big happened that didn’t just change your path, it knocked you completely off course.’
‘I need some more water,’ I say, grabbing both our glasses.
I hurry through to the kitchen and stand for a moment filling our glasses at the sink. While I do, I gaze at the same spot outside as when I’d last been standing here.
I’d thought before it was a coincidence, but it’s still there, exactly where the dove had dropped it in front of me.
I head outside and quickly pick up the discarded item from the kitchen window ledge, then I return to Callum with the glasses of water.
