Page 99 of Hope and Happiness in Bluebell Wood
I just nod.
‘Feeling like that is completely understandable,’ Callum says in the same steady tone. ‘You experienced something dreadful, Ava, something that no one should ever have to go through. It would be more worrying if you weren’t affected by it, don’t you think?’
‘It doesn’t make it any easier to live with, though – just because I’m reacting in the right way.’
‘No, I know it doesn’t.’ Callum stands up slowly, like I’m a wild animal he doesn’t want to scare. ‘But do you think you might have got a little better since you came here to Bluebell Wood? I didn’t know you before, but even I’ve seen a change in you since we first met.’
He begins to move towards me, still moving slowly and carefully.
‘You were like a deer caught in the headlights when I stumbled upon you and Merlin in the wood that day. You looked petrified and barely spoke. You were probably relieved when I ran off and left you.’
‘Yes, I was.’
He looks a tad crestfallen, but tries not to show it.
‘I’m glad you’re here now.’ I reach my hand out towards him and Callum moves a little closer. ‘You’re the only person I’ve confided in about that day, you know? The only person I’ve wanted to tell, that I’ve trusted with it. I want it to go away, Callum. I want to be able to close my eyes and not think about it. But it’s always there, it won’t leave, and just when I think the memory might have faded a little, something happens to bring it all back.’
‘Like when we were at the quiz – all those people crowded together?’ Callum asks, standing in front of me now. ‘That must have brought back painful memories for you.’ He’s only inches away, but we remain apart and he doesn’t attempt to come closer, which I appreciate.
I nod. ‘It’s like a wave of nausea and fear that engulfs me, and I feel like I can’t escape again. After the attack my flat became my protection from the outside world, and just recently it’s been this cottage. I came here to cut myself off, to escape, to protect myself from people, crowds and situations thatmake everything worse, and it was working at first, but then this village, its lovely people and its odd wildlife . . . ’ I gesture to the bird table. ‘Instead of being a threat, something I want to push away, it’s become something I want to pull closer to me, to embrace. I can’t explain it, Callum, but Bluebell Wood has begun to heal me, in ways expensive therapy sessions and endless talking about my problems could never do. The last thing I wanted or thought I needed was to meet someone – a kind, lovely someone, who I’d fall for in ways I didn’t think I’d ever do again. But I have, and here he is standing in front of me, listening to me babble on about something awful that happened to me, and instead of running away because I try to goad and push him into doing so, like so many others I’ve done since that awful day, he remains, looking like he doesn’t give a damn about my weird ways or my many problems. Instead, he looks at me like . . . ’ I pause now. I can’t say it.
So Callum does for me.
‘Like he loves you?’ Callum asks quietly. ‘Because if you don’t see that, Ava, then I need to start working harder on my expression.’
Callum doesn’t move, but I do. I step forward and wrap my arms around his neck. Then I kiss him with as much meaning as I can. I want him to know I feel exactly the same way about him as he does about me.
Callum’s arms wrap tightly around me, and immediately I feel safe, protected and more comforted than I have in forever.
Thirty-one
Over the next few days Callum spends as much time as he can with me and Merlin. In between the duties he performs in the parish, and my now regular trips with Merlin to the school, we manage to spend a fair amount of time together both at the cottage and walking in the woods.
We talk a lot. About normal things like the weather and what’s happening in the village, including Lonan and Linnet’s blossoming romance. We talk about Callum’s sister, and I realise that’s why he has periods where he seems to disappear from the village: he’s visiting Jena. Also, it’s why he is so desperate to remain in Bluebell Wood – so he can be close to her. Apparently, she’d had quite a bad turn after Easter, and Callum had spent most of his leave at the hospital with her. Jonah’s words of warning about not bothering Callum suddenly make sense, and I feel bad for troubling him about the housing development when he had so much more on his mind that day. And we also talk more about the day of the attack. Callum doesn’t push me to confide in him, but since the evening at the cottage, I’ve been finding it much easierto talk about, and I had to admit it was definitely helping me to do so.
We don’t talk about our fight – if it ever was that. And I don’t bring up ‘The God thing’, as I’ve taken to calling it in my head. If Callum was happy to be with someone who didn’t have quite the same beliefs as him about everything in life, then who was I to make an issue of it?
We also attend the quiz together – at a pub in a nearby village this time. Callum and I do our very best to remain apart for most of the night, but there are a number of coy, flirty looks across the table at each other, which I’m sure some of the others must notice, and they only add to the enjoyment we have at the end of the night, when we are finally allowed to be together back at the cottage.
But unlike the first quiz night, when I’d had to escape outside in a state of anxiety and panic, I’d remained quite calm when the pub had got busy. I couldn’t honestly say I hadn’t felt a little rattled on the inside, but I’d manged to remain calm and in control; and for me it was a huge step forward.
Today Callum and I take a different route with Merlin than the quiet ones we’ve so far stuck to through the wood. We’re walking along the footpath that leads from the school, around the fields and back into the village.
‘Aren’t you worried someone might see us?’ I ask as we walk past the school. So far we’d managed to keep ourselves away from the well-intentioned but prying eyes of the rest of the village.
‘Nope,’ Callum says, smiling at me. ‘We’re not doing anything wrong, are we, taking a walk together?’
‘Just as well no one saw us at the cottage last night, then. Otherwise they might have something to say!’
Callum waits until we enter the footpath and then he pulls me to one side and kisses me quickly but eagerly.
‘I don’t care what people say. You make me happy, Ava, and a happy man is a happy vicar! That’s all anyone here needs to worry about.’
I take his hand and we walk blissfully along with Merlin, who, delighted as always to be out on a walk, runs about on the path, sniffing and leaving his scent.
So caught up am I in my little bubble of adoration and love, that I’ve completely forgotten where this footpath emerges, and it’s not until we reach the top of the hill and look down, that I see the field with all the building work going on.
Callum clearly sees it at the same time as me, because I feel his body stiffen.
