Page 84 of It Always Snows on Mistletoe Square
‘It’s not just the bear.’ I try to explain. ‘It’s what it signifies. It’s what all of this signifies. The Christmas tree, the two presents so beautifully, but individually wrapped. It’s what I always wanted, but never got.’
I stand up and walk over to him still carrying the bear. ‘Thank you,’ I whisper, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him with more passion than I think I’ve ever kissed anyone before. ‘This is already turning into the best birthday ever.’
‘If that’s the reaction I get after a teddy bear,’ Ben says, emerging from the kiss, ‘then I can’t wait to see what happens when I give you your Christmas present.’
After we’ve begun to recover a little from breakfast, we begin clearing all the breakfast things away.
We knew Angela would be mad at us clearing everything up, but we weren’t going to leave everything for her to do when she got back, so we fill the dishwasher, hand-wash all the salvers and cloches, and clean the kitchen until it’s immaculate.
As I finish wiping all the surfaces down, I look around the kitchen.
‘There’s not much in here suggesting preparations for Christmas, is there?’
‘How do you mean?’ Ben asks.
‘I mean there’s no huge turkey defrosting, or basins full of Christmas puddings and trays of mince pies. You’d have thought Angela would have been in her element today preparing for tomorrow. She loves to cook for us.’
‘Maybe that’s where she’s gone,’ Ben says, folding his tea towel and hanging it up to dry. ‘To buy everything.’
‘You don’t buy all the food for Christmas on Christmas Eve, especially not when there’s a few of you to cook for. I remember one year we went to my granny’s to stay a few days before Christmas and she was constantly baking, chopping and refrigerating everything in plenty of time for the big day.’
‘Was that a good Christmas?’ Ben asks, leaning against the sink.
‘Hmm?’ I reply, still thinking.
‘The Christmas you spent with your grandmother?’
‘Yes, I think it was. A bit like Estelle, she always had a massive Christmas tree in her front room. It was really exciting to have a tree for once. She cooked us a lovely dinner – you know, with turkey and all the trimmings … ’ I smile as I remember this forgotten time I must have buried deep within me.
‘What?’ Ben encourages me. ‘What else do you remember?’
‘I remember in the evening we sang carols and my dad played his guitar … Gosh, I’d forgotten all about that Christmas.’
‘So you did have at least one good Christmas, then?’ Ben smiles.
‘Maybe I did … ’ I say, still trying to remember. ‘Actually, I think we might have gone there a few times when I was really small. She lived up in Scotland, I think we took the train … ’
‘You know I could be right.’ Ben walks over and puts his arms around me once more. ‘You might have had more good Christmases than you think you had.’
‘Perhaps I did.’ I consider this for a moment. ‘I know something has shifted within me lately. Perhaps it will allow some good memories of Christmas to float back to the surface again?’
Ben nods.
‘But I think this Christmas is definitely going to be one of the best.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I get to spend it with you, and Estelle and Angela. You guys are all the family I need right now.’
Ben and I spend a glorious day together among the festive frenzy that is Christmas Eve in London. We walk through the parks holding hands, drink deliciously sweet hot chocolates with cream and marshmallows floating on top, ignoring our natural instinct to have our hot drinks plain with no nonsense on top. Today we both want to immerse ourselves in everything Christmassy. Then we wander through a few Christmas markets, and generally soak up the good cheer that the capital for once is providing. Everyone is in good spirits as they pick up last-minute bits and pieces, except for a few anxious, red-faced shoppers – mostly men – who are rushing from store to store attempting to find the perfect gift for their loved ones before the shops close.
‘Shall we sit for a while?’ Ben asks, as we wander back into Mistletoe Square. He gestures to one of the benches in the gardens. ‘I don’t want this afternoon with you to end just yet.’
‘Yes, I feel the same. Let’s do that.’
We sit on the bench for a few minutes, mostly in silence as we enjoy the last few minutes we’ll have alone for the rest of the day.
‘Not too cold for you, is it, Elle?’
