Page 59 of A Secret Cornish Wish
‘Is that all you can think about?’ I demand. ‘I thought we were discussing your future, not whether you’re going to get your leg over tonight!’
‘Clearly you don’t want me to have a future,’ Rob says, also getting riled now. ‘Or are you just jealous that I’ve been given this chance . . . hmm? What are you going to do after university, Frankie? Live in some squat trying to eke a living from being a tortured artist?’
I stare at Rob.
‘I’m sorry!’ he says with an anguished expression. ‘I didn’t mean that. I’m just really confused right now.’
‘You and me both.’
Rob sighs. ‘Look, I came here to Claire’s wedding not expecting anything, only a fun time with my old friends. But now . . . ’ His voice trails off.
‘Now?’ I ask.
‘Now, I’ve got a talent scout offering me work as an actor in America, and you, Frankie, my first love, here in my arms again. It’s like all my Christmases have come at once. All the things I’ve ever wanted.’
I stare at Rob again. But this time it’s not a stare of anger, but one of astonishment.
‘Really?’ I ask quietly.
‘To which one?’ Rob gives me a quizzical look.
‘I think you know.’
Rob nods. ‘Frankie, I’ve thought about you so much over the last five years. Yes, I’ve had other girlfriends, but none of them were ever you. They just couldn’t be. Have you thought about me?’ he asks, almost hesitantly.
I nod.
‘Then what are we waiting for?’ he says, clutching my arms and pulling me to him so Claire’s bouquet is almost crushed between us.
‘Are you going to America?’ I ask, in a voice that sounds like it’s completely removed from me.
‘I don’t know – why does that matter right now?’
Why does it matter? I’m still so confused.
‘Because it would be hard enough for us to have a relationship if I’m in Glasgow and you’re in Cambridge,’ I hear myself saying. ‘Let alone if you’re halfway across the world.’ I pull away a little from Rob as I speak.
But my small movement seems to take on a greater meaning.
‘I see,’ Rob says. ‘We’re using that as an excuse, are we?’
‘No. I just want to know.’
‘What if I said I was? Does that mean we don’t get a chance?’
‘I . . . I don’t know.’
‘I think you do know. I think you’re using Jenna as an excuse to push me away again. Just like you used Marnie as an excuse when we were at school.’
‘I did not. That was – according to you, anyway – a genuine mistake.’
‘What do you mean, according to me? That’s the truth.’ Rob lets out an exasperated sigh and steps back a little. ‘Why are you doing this again, Frankie? Why are you scared of relationships? Do you push all your boyfriends away like this? Or do you save this particular treatment for me alone?’
I don’t know how to respond. Mum said something very similar to me only a few days ago. Do I always do this? Are all my break-ups actually my fault? Or is it only Rob I’m scared to commit to, because even though I try really hard not to care about him . . . the truth is I care about him very much?
‘I’m going to go now,’ I hear myself saying in a clear voice, that is totally unlike the tangled, confused thoughts in my head. ‘Perhaps when you’ve made your decision we can talk again. But if you want my opinion on whether you should give up everything you’ve worked so hard for at Cambridge to go to America on a whim . . . then I think you already know my answer.’
I turn swiftly away from Rob, so my shoes make a satisfying scrunching sound in the gravel, and as I do something drops out of Claire’s bouquet.
