Page 19 of From Notting Hill with Love…Actually
“What sort ofthings?” I asked in a tight voice.
“Now, Scarlett, don’t get wound up just because David is showing some concern for your relationship.”
“I’m not getting wound up,” I said, while under my desk my hands began to form tight fists in my lap. “I just don’t see why David came to see you, that’s all. What goes on between us is our business.”
“Because he’s worried about you, that’s why.” Dad removed his glasses and walked the short distance across the office toward me. He perched awkwardly on the corner of my desk. “He says you don’t seem yourself these days. And like I said earlier, I’ve noticed the same.”
I was surprised to hear this. I thought I’d done quite a good job of hiding everything. And in the space of a weekend I’d got David giving me grief about a bit of daydreaming, Maddie about my love of films, and now Dad about…well, what had Dad noticed exactly?
“You do still love David, don’t you?” Dad continued after a few moments’ thought. “I mean, things aren’t that bad, are they?”
As he looked down at me, awaiting my answer, his face was filled with concern.
“Yes, Dad,” I replied automatically without thinking, more to put him out of his misery than anything else. “I do still love David…at least, I think I do.”
Dad looked relieved for a split second before anxiety filled his face once again. “What do you meanthink? Oh, Scarlett, why on earth have you agreed to marry the poor chap if you’re not sure you still love him?”
“I’ve nothing better to do this spring?” I shrugged, not wanting to tell him the real reason. And David was hardly apoorchap.
“Scarlett!” Dad said, running his hands in exasperation through his graying hair.
“Well, it’s true. A wedding is the most excitement I’m going to have for a while.”
My father shook his head and got up from my desk. “But I thought you loved David,” he said, pacing across the office floor. “I mean you’ve got the house together and everything now.”
Yeah, like a bit of DIY was going to make a difference. The way I felt about David right now it would take all the super-glue in the world to bond us together. But Dad looked so upset at the thought of all this that I felt I needed to go easy on him.
“I didn’t say I didn’t love him—just that I wasn’t sure anymore.” I paused for a moment. “I mean how do you know when youreallylove someone? What happens to let you knowyou’re doing the right thing when you commit to spending the rest of your life with them?”
My father considered this. “You never know for definite, Scarlett. It’s just a feeling you have that this is the right person for you.”
“Didyouhave that feeling with Mum?” I said without thinking. I rose from my chair and approached my father carefully. “Did it feel like…” I hesitated. “…magic when the two of you first met?”
I saw my father’s body stiffen, and the gentleness and understanding of the last few minutes visibly drained from him. I could have let loose a torrent of obscene swear words and I’d have offended him less. I’d broken the cardinal O’Brien rule.
I’d mentioned my mother.
“I would prefer to keep your mother out of this discussion,” he said, retreating across the office floor to the shelter of his own desk.
“I know you would; you always do.” I could feel hot blood beginning to pump into my cheeks and my hands were curling up into fists again. “ButImight want to talk about her once in a while. She wasmymother as well asyourwife!”
“I am quite aware of that fact, thank you, Scarlett,” my father said coolly, not rising to my anger. “But your mother chose to remove herself from our lives twenty-three and a half years ago. So I see no reason why she should have any part to play in them now.”
“I don’t want her to play a part—I just want to talk about her occasionally—maybe learn something about her. I don’t even know what she looked like, for heaven’s sake!” I staredaccusingly at my father. “You must have destroyed all evidence of her existence when she left because I was never able to find any in the house. While most kids were searching for where their Christmas or birthday presents were hidden, I was searching for photos of my mother!” I flounced back into my own chair, and for a moment we surveyed each other over our desks like warring armies waiting to see what the other’s next move might be.
My father gave first. “Scarlett, I’m sorry.” I felt his genuine distress as he spoke. “I didn’t realize it bothered you that much.”
“It didn’t when I was little,” I said, my voice softening too. Dad and I could never stay mad at each other for long. “Only having a father at home seemed normal to me then. But as I got older, I wanted to know who I was, and where I came from. I mean, I know she must have loved the movies like I do, or I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been christened Scarlett. You’re not likely to have chosen my name, are you—you seem to hate films.” I looked at my father, but as usual he gave nothing away. “But am I like her apart from that?”
“Oh, if only you knew just how much you are.”
“You mean the way I look?” I asked hopefully. This was more than I’d ever got before.
“Partly,” my father said, coming over to my desk again. This time he knelt down next to my chair so I looked down at him. “Your green eyes…” he said, gently cupping my face in his hand. “Yes, they’re definitely hers. I remember the day you were born, your mother’s complete joy that you had the same coloring as Vivien Leigh. Everyone else was shocked at the mop of black hair you were born with, but not your mother; she said you were her perfect Scarlett.GonewiththeWindwas her favorite film.”
I watched my father closely: there was a fondness in his eyes and in his voice while he talked. He had never spoken like this to me about my mother—there had always been coldness in his eyes and hate in his voice when her name was mentioned.
But again he snapped out of this reverie just as quickly as he’d slipped into it. “But no, it’s not your looks so much as your attitude.” He sprang to his feet again. “Your mother was always watching nonsense at the cinema just as you seem to do all the time. The films filled her head with unrealistic hopes and dreams of how life should be so she wasn’t satisfied with what we’d got. Andshealways had her head in the clouds just like you do! When David came to me on Saturday, I could quite understand how he felt. It took me back to the situation I found myself in over twenty years ago.”
