Page 52 of Private Tutoring
I eyed the skyline outside my bedroom window. “Goodnight.” I didn’t dare say his name with so many possible listening ears. The walls were thin, and voices carried.
The next morning dawned bright and clear, with the kind of clear blue skies that made me want to skip all the way to class. My heart wasn’t in it, but I forced my feet to move. By the time I made it to my first class of the day—Stephen’s math class—I felt like I’d walked a million miles across hot coals.
He watched me enter the room and take my seat. A line appeared between his eyes, but he turned away and began the lecture. His voice droned in that silky cadence that I loved, the one that made it so hard to concentrate in his class. I made sure my laptop’s dictation software was on and opened my notebook, doing my best to write down the equations and the steps andnotdoodle his name in fancy script across the entire page.
My body heated, my stomach clenching when he turned away from the board and faced the room. He’d kept his back to us—to me—the entire time, something he’d never done before.
I swallowed the painful lump in my throat as he dismissed class and stood, making my way carefully toward his desk. “Professor?” The quiet uncertainty made my shoulders stiffen, and I infused a bit more determination in the tone. “I wanted to thank you for your tutoring lessons. They’ve been a great help.” This next part might destroy my heart and soul, but at least our reputations would be intact. They could continue teaching, and I wouldn’t lose my scholarship or my possible career. “I think I understand everything now, and I wanted to let you know I won’t be needing any more tutoring lessons.”
The line that had appeared between his eyes deepened. The silver in his hair had a dullness to it today, turning it more gray. “Are you sure?”
I nodded jerkily. This was why I’d made my move while there were students all around us. Alone, I’d be tempted to let him convince me to keep going. “Thank you for your help.” I almost held out my hand for him to shake. It was a polite gesture, and not at all intimate, but even that simple touch risked exposure.
Sadness echoed in his eyes as my deliberate withdrawal cut him. He slid his hands into his pockets. There was an immediate sense of withdrawal, followed by a physical one when he took a step away from me. “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”
“It is.” Lie. Lie. Lie. Can’t you see the truth, Stephen? Can’t you see that I’m breaking into a million pieces but that I have no choice? I trapped the words behind clenched teeth, turned, and walked away.
I couldn’t bear to see his withdrawal any more than I wanted him to see my shattered heart. Stephen was the one I worried about the most. He’d lost so much, and while he might not love me, he had given up part of his grief for me. I betrayed that trust by walking away, but what choice did I have?
My decision dogged my steps, once again making them painfully slow. I made it through the next class without any problems, but then it was time for theater class with Matthew, and all the broken pieces of my heart had rubbed at my nerves until they were all raw and exposed.
One look from him and I might break down in tears. I was stronger than this. I had to be.
Matthew’s class passed exactly how I expected. Leighona tried her best to convince Matthew that she was ready for the role. He ignored her protests and put me in center stage. There were no smiles, no nods of encouragement. He was crisp andefficient as he sat in the front row and directed our every move as the cast rehearsed the opening scene.
My skin heated and prickled every time his gaze skated over me. If I had expected leniency, he failed to deliver it. Instead, he kept me singing and moving the entire hour. By the time we finished, my throat scratched and I wished I’d remembered to make a cup of tea to bring with me. But it hadn’t cracked or strained despite the increased use.
I should have felt relieved, but I had to attend Roberto’s class next, and I had no idea how he was going to react to my sudden coldness and indifference.
He was the self-proclaimed ladies’ man of the trio, but I knew that he felt things just as deeply as they did. He hid them better behind smiles and laughter, but there was no doubt my indifference might hurt him.
I did the same in his class as I had in Stephen’s. I turned on my dictation software, opened my notebook, and stared at the white paper with tiny blue lines until Roberto dismissed us.
“Miss Vogel, a minute of your time.”
I looked up in time to see his gaze snap over me before darting away with a kind of cruel carelessness.
The same look I’d been trying to perfect all day. “I’m sorry, Professor Rossi. I have a study group in the library. Can it wait?”
A muscle in his jaw popped. Hands on his hips, he tilted his head. “Is it more important than your tutoring lessons?”
Don’t make me do this.I silently willed him to understand, even allowed my facial expression to show as much regret as I’d bottled up since Leighona’s accusations. “Yes.”
His face fell, not much, but enough for me to notice. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
The tug on my heartstrings intensified. How was I supposed to keep doing this to them?
What about me? The question rattled around far longer than it should. The look in their eyes when I shot them down was pure torture.
Matthew had worried that I’d lose interest in them. I hoped he didn’t take my rejection as a lack of interest. Surely he understood that we had to stop. Maybe not forever, but for now, we had no choice.
I backed out of the classroom amid a group of students on their way to the quad and fell in step with their rambunctious strides. They carried me far away from Roberto’s classroom, away from temptation.
My heart broke over and over again throughout the next few days. Every class where I had to sit in their presence and act like I didn’t care drove the knife deeper into my heart.
I kept expecting it to get better, but it only grew worse.
Nights at the sorority house were long and tedious. I concentrated on my studies so much that I dreamed of math equations. Those dreams often turned into erotic memories of my nights in their bed, and I woke up with an incredible need that remained unfulfilled. More than sex. I craved their presence in my life. I craved the way Stephen studied every little thing, the way Roberto cracked jokes in the middle of the night, and how Matthew hummed as he fell asleep.
