Page 424 of Conveniently Wed
She came to him that night initiating a needy exchange, and he joined in, longing to get lost in the passion, where he would not have to think until after…always after.
He drew her close, and, as content as a kitten, she curled into his embrace. The ache began, as it did every night, the wondering if he would ever touch her soul the way she touched his. Did she come to him out of obligation? A need to earn his approval? The thought gathered like hot stones in his chest.
“Are you still awake?” Her voice was sleepy.
“Yes.”
“Josiah, I love…”
He held his breath. A flicker of light touched that pitch-black part of his soul, and hope ignited.
“…sleeping with you next to me.”
Daggers of pain shot through him. They cut into the fleshy part of his heart and carved out a chunk big enough to do damage. He smoothed her silky hair and kissed her head. He didn’t dare speak for fear she would hear the pain in his voice.
He wanted to rise from the bed and scream into the night. Instead, he lay still. The steady rhythm of her breathing told him she had drifted off. Yet sleep would surely not find him anytime soon.
Falling asleep in Josiah’s arms became one of Katie’s favorite things. There had been too many years with the men gone to war where she had slept with one eye open and her gun tucked under her pillow. Though she’d acted tough and strong, deep down, a frightened soul had lurked, especially after that incident in the woods, when her vulnerability as a woman had been made all too clear. The strength of his body curled protectively around hers gave her such calm. She snuggled in closer, her body nestled tight up against his.
“Good night, my love.”
“Good night, Josiah.”
A deep sigh escaped his lips. He kissed the top of her head and rolled away, turning to the opposite wall.
Not a day went by he didn’t say he loved her in some form or another. Sometimes, he even sounded like he regretted the words immediately after they came out of his mouth. Though her silence with the words she knew he wanted to hear left her a bit lost and with a mountain of guilt, she couldn’t bring herself to say such an important thing tritely.
Things were changing, ever-deepening between her and her gentle husband, but was it love or merely pleasure mixed with a sense of duty? She certainly didn’t feel the crazy heart throbbing out of her chest, like the way it had been with Charles. Did she even understand what love was?
All she knew was that affection, loving actions, and words flowed effortlessly from Josiah toward her. Whatever she felt paled in comparison.
17
The first rays of dawn barely peeked between the curtain panels, and Katie was wide awake. They’d planned their trip into Lacey Spring to pick up her new clothes today. Far too much extravagance for her back-country taste, but she hadn’t been able to squelch Josiah’s excitement. The riding habit was the one outfit she cared to lay ownership to. She tossed and turned on the bed, for it was far too early to rise, until Josiah pulled her back into the curl of his warm body.
“What’s troubling you, Kat?”
How could she tell him she was fretting over the prospect of dressing up in fancy lady’s wear? Or how silly she thought it was to own dresses that required help to get in and out of? Why would anyone want that aggravation? Until now, her lack of culture had been shadowed by the everyday work of life in everyday clothing. But, put her in a ballroom with an uptown dress, and her lack of sophistication would soon be evident. Her stomach clenched at the mere thought.
The way things had turned out, her family needed Josiah far more than he needed them. Letting him down constantly nipped at the back of her mind. What if he woke up one day to find whatever fascination he had with her was gone?
He pulled the hair back from the side of her face and kissed her cheek. “We’re both awake now. Do tell.”
“What am I going to do with not one, but seven, formal dresses? Not to mention the hats, shoes, and dainty parasols that go with them? You know I’ve never had much. I wish you had spent the money on the house or livestock or anything more useful.”
“That’s why it’s such a pleasure. Most women would be screaming for new clothing, but not you.”
“Unnecessary cost?—”
“Don’t be worrying about that either. Colby will soon be here, and our business will be off and running. I already have orders lined up. People can’t get work done without good horseflesh, and our ranch will provide that much-needed service. Business will be booming in no time.”
Katie slipped from his grasp and climbed from the bed. Instantly, she missed the warmth of his arms, but she padded across the floor, pulled on her wrapper, and stood before the mirror. She would never be enough. With a quick twist she unraveled her braid and brushed her waist-long hair with all too vigorous strokes. She closed her eyes as she worked and took in a few deep breaths, trying to still the insecurities that ran deep.
His hand on the brush stopped her movement. Her eyes popped open as he removed the brush from her clenched fist. “I’m sure bald is not the look you’re aiming for.” He smiled into the mirror as he gently smoothed the brush through her hair. “Besides, there is a motive to my madness. We can’t host a winter ball with you in your everyday clothes, now can we?”
She turned toward him. “Then why host one at all?”
“It’ll give Colby and me an excuse to sneak the men off to the stables for a look at our stock. Half the battle is won once that seed is sown.”
