Page 107 of Tomorrow Belongs to Us
“Hey, hey.” I lean over and hug her. “What's wrong, Sweetpea?”
“I want Mommy.” She sits up and rubs her eyes and my insides turn to stone.
“I'm here, Sweetpea.”
Angry, sleepy eyes glare back at me. “Mommy says you don't love us. You made Mommy sad.”
I perch myself on the side of her bed. “No, honey. I love you both so very much.”
“Then why are you leaving us? Mommy says you don't want to be my daddy anymore. She says you don't live here because you love someone else.”
She might as well have punched me. “I'm not leaving you, Cassie.”
“You don't want to be married to mommy anymore. You don't want to be my daddy.”
“That's not true. I will always be your daddy. I will always love you.”
“Then why don't you live here? Why don't you stay married to mommy?”
Words fail me. The silver unicorn printed on my daughter's mauve pyjama top stares back at me.
“Sometimes, it’s better for parents to live apart. It doesn't mean they don't love one another, or you, it just means they are better friends when they aren't in the same house.”
“But I want you to be in the same house. Lisa was so sad when her mommy and daddy broke up, and she ran away. I'm going to run away too.”
This is what I was afraid of; Cassie being so upset she wouldn’t be able to handle it, and I’ve messed up again. Gotten it all wrong. Her friend Lisa took it very hard when her parents got divorced. It didn't help that her father went on to have a child with another woman a few months later. The girl did run away, to her grandparent's house, but that story was one of the reasons we didn't feel ready to tell Cassie the truth just yet.
Now my angel threatens me with the same and it scares me.
“No, Sweetpea. That's a very bad thing to do.”
“But you're being bad, Daddy. You don't love us, and you don't want us.”
I can almost hear echoes of Vivian's voice, and I wonder what malicious words she must throw around for my daughter to pick up on and believe.
“I will always be here for you, Sweetpea.”
“Promise?”
My heart breaks into pieces. “Promise.”
It’s the first glimmer of light I see in her eyes. “Always, Daddy? Promise you will always be with us?”
I swallow, push away my dreams and my future. “I promise.” She throws her arms around me, and I scoop her up in my arms. She’s getting heavier to carry, but I hold onto her and sit down with her on my lap. I hold her until her breathing turns deep and then I carefully tuck her back into her bed, but as I sit back, my heart is heavy. It feels like I'm being forced into a future I don't want.
~~
I meet Megan in the coffee shop again.
Vivian came home a few days ago and her parents have been staying at the house. It’s been awkward, but I’ve been worried about Cassie and have been watching her like a hawk. We’ve watched movies, and baked cupcakes and cookies, and made puzzles. I’ve spent quality time with her, and checked in on Vivian now and then, but mostly I’ve left her and her parents alone.
The house is big enough that we can all get lost in it without running into one another, but no space is big enough for me to avoid Vivian and her parents with ease. Yesterday was tough, the air fraught with friction, partly because I sense Vivian’s parents want to go back to their home, but they don’t quite trust me to fully look after their daughter.
I needed to get out and, after dropping Cassie to her friend’s house for a playdate, I called Megan and told her I needed to see her.
I’ve kept her in the loop and called and told her what had happened, but maybe that was a mistake because I’ve felt her slowly slipping away from me in the days that followed. I didn’t want to keep anything from her, I wanted to be upfront and tell her the truth but this face to face meeting fills me with anxiety.
When we meet, she doesn’t hug me for long. She’s the first to pull away and sit down, and when the server delivers our coffees straightaway, she busies herself in opening the sachets to pour the sugar into her coffee.
