Page 108 of Tomorrow Belongs to Us
“How is your wife?” She stirs her coffee, and then when she at last looks up at me, I see something closed off in her. It’s like a three-inch wall of concrete has been erected in the time we’ve been apart.
I begin to tell her about the events in more detail, while trying to figure out what’s going on with her. She’s a little stiff, a little guarded, a little distant. It’s only when I finish recounting my story that the realization hits me like a lightning strike. “This is what happened with you,” I say, softly. This is the same situation Megan dealt with as a teenager, that night she came to me looking for comfort.
She stares back, giving me a subtle nod. “How's Cassie?” she asks, clearly not wanting to discuss that further. I’m still shocked by the parallels in our lives. I tell her my daughter is handling it well, and that I will likely have to travel back and forth between the family home and the college. I’ll have to go back to doing the long commute, but I will do it. I don’t tell her that my daughter threatened to run away, or that she filled me with so much guilt I promised her I would come back and stay with her, with them, forever?
I made a promise I’m not sure I can keep, a promise I don’t want to keep. I said something I didn’t believe because it was what my daughter wanted.
I am dreading the next few weeks, or months or however long it will be before Vivian is able to accept our situation and let me be, let me go. I’m dreading living a life that is a lie but wanting to keep my daughter happy and feeling secure. I’m filled with resentment at what my life has become.
Vivian thinks she's won, with me living under the same roof. She doesn't need me here to take care of her, she just wants me here, in my place—at least this is how she would frame it in that devious mind of hers. I haven’t even bothered to clarify to her or her parents that I’m staying for Cassie’s sake.
All I know is that my life is a mess, and it doesn’t feelmine.
Megan says she understands and knows what Cassie is going through. She surprises me with how flexible and understanding she's being, but then I realize it’s the right reaction. The only reason I'm surprised is because I'm so accustomed to Vivian and her selfishness.
“My in-laws, myex-in-laws,” I clarify, “they assume I’ve moved back in to look after their daughter. I'm not doing it for Vivian. I'm doing it for my daughter.”
Megan nods in agreement. “As you should. This is a really difficult time for her, and Cassie needs you. Vivian needs you.”
My heart feels hollow because I didn’t expect Megan to say this, to be this understanding. I have a feeling I know what’s coming. “Vivian doesn’t need me as much as she doesn’t want you and I to be together.” I reach across the table and take her hands. “I'm sorry.”
“For what?”
“For this, forallof this, for leaving you that day, for always leaving you. I’m sorry for this mess.”
“You have to do what's right, Lance. Cassie’s so much younger than I was, and she's fragile and malleable.”
She’s so good, so understanding. I wish she wasn’t. I wish in this instance that she was more like Vivian. Selfish, and self-obsessed, and wanting me no matter what the cost. But I’m also fearful that Cassie might do something stupid, and that fear keeps me captive.
“I hate the timing of all this.” I press my palm against hers, relishing the warmth of her skin, loving the feel of her soft, thin fingers against mine.
“You need to always be there for your child.”
“I will be.” I tell her about Cassie and what she said, and the promise I made to her, to stay with her and Vivian. “I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s not what I want, but what I must do, for now. I hope you can understand.”
“I understand.”
“I want to be with you, but things are complicated again. My ex-wife and her parents seem to think they’ve succeeded in guilt-tripping me into moving back and being there for Vivian. That's not the future I want.”
“Sometimes we have no say in our how lives will work out. You're the captain of your destiny but right now your family needs you, so you have to change course.”
Since when did she become so wise? She pulls her hands away. I’m confused by her actions, by her warm hand which she slides out from under mine.
“Maybe life is trying to send us a signal,” she says stirring her coffee.
Dread kicks in. I hate what she might be thinking, what she might say. Is this how we end? Is that why she agreed to meet me?
“Life doesn't always go how we want. What happened to my sister, and how it affected all of our lives is proof enough of that, but we can always adjust course and slowly, slowly, get back to where we want to go, to what we want.” It’s not the best analogy, but I’m hoping I can tell her that she’s the one I want. That after I have made sure Cassie is okay, and Vivian too, that she’s the one I want a future with.
“I’m starting a new job in a few weeks, and I'll be moving away. I found a new apartment to rent.”
My breath chokes in my throat. We’ve not fully discussed this, her moving and us ending. “Distance is nothing. We can make this work.” I want her to tell me that she's joking. I keep waiting for her to smile and cry, ‘Gotcha!’ but she doesn’t. “What are you saying?”
Her eyes turn shiny. Worryingly shiny, and when I push back my chair, and go to stand up, she puts her hand out, halting me. “Don't. Please. Let me say what I need to.”
We are going there. She’s breaking up with me. “You don’t need to say anything. It's not going to be easy ...” Her eyes are downcast, and she's staring at the table.
My heart lurches to the base of my belly. “Are you breaking up with me?”
