Page 109 of Tomorrow Belongs to Us
She nods, still not looking at me. “For now, maybe.”
She’s trying to soften the blow, but she’s telling me a lie. ‘For now,’ will turn into forever. I’ve already tried something that was supposed to last forever, with a woman who was so wrong for me. “But we've only just found one another.”
She lifts her head, her eyes narrowing and she’s about to look away.
“Look at me.” If she's going to lie, I want her to look me in the face before she breaks my heart. I don’t want to give up on us. I want to look into those eyes forever.
“When things don't work out, maybe it's because they're not meant to,” her voice is soft and sad.
She can’t mean that.
“When things don't work out, when the world and events conspire against you, it means you have to fight harder. You have to keep at it and never give up.”
“How are we going to do that?” she asks. “You'll be on eggshells every time the phone rings and you'll wonder what's happened to Cassie or your wife.”
“My ex-wife.”
But even as an ex-wife, Vivian seems to have won. She’s got what she wanted. Me back, at whatever cost. I try to appeal to Megan, feeling desperate and on the edge of a precipice I’m not willing to jump off. I’m in love with this woman, and I can’t lose her again. Not now. “Vivian will get used to it, slowly. This is a big shock to her, but she'll get used to it.”
“And Cassie?”
“In time, Cassie will understand. Maybe as she gets to know you … I'm never not going to be there for my daughter.”
“You’re going to have to be there for her more than ever. My father wasn’t and look what happened to me.”
We’ve truly come full circle. It's freaky how the things in our life now mirror how Megan and I began.
“I’m not walking out on Cassie. I’m not.”
“My mother fell apart, just like Vivian has. You left her, just like my father left my mother.”
“It's hardly the same situation. I've put up with Vivian's dalliances, turned a blind eye to them because my focus was on Cassie, but I’m not prepared to give up the rest of my life for something I don’t want. In time Cassie will understand.”
“But Vivian will always create drama. You have a child together and you’ll never be free of your wife.”
“My ex-wife.”
I made Cassie a promise, but in the cold light of day I know I can’t keep it forever. I hope that in time, when I explain things to her, she will come around to the idea of me with someone else. And as she grows up, she will, hopefully, one day understand why I can’t be with her mother.
But while I know how things will work out with Cassie, it’s Megan who worries me. I know we have to slow things down, but not this. Not a break. A split. Not now.
Tears well up in her eyes. “Do you have any idea what a parent overdosing does to a child? What it feels like to know that my mom so hated her life without my father that she wanted to kill herself? For years I felt that we weren’t enough for her. Do you know what it’s like to not feel loved, to not be wanted by your mother?”
I get up ready to scoot over to her, but she begs me not to. She sniffles. “I have sought comfort in men, just to feel worthy, just to know I can be loved; that someone wanted to be with me enough to let me into their bed and—”
I put a finger to her lips. “I don't want to give you up.” This isn’t the solution I came here for.
“You're not giving me up.I'mgivingyouup. I'm breaking up with you, Lance. I’ve been through this as a child, and I know this is the right thing to do.”
“How can it be the right thing if I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t love me and only wants to manipulate me for her own convenience? I want to be with you, Megan. I thought you felt the same.”
“Can’t you see that history is repeating again?”
“But I didn’t cheat on Vivian. We’ve been living separate lives for years. I’m a single man and the ring on my finger is only there to keep up the ruse for Cassie. It’s not the same.”
She lets out a weary breath. “I’m moving away. Long distance relationships don’t work. I’m sorry, but you’ll see one day that this is the right thing to do.” She stands up, her cup of coffee still three-quarters full.
“Where are you going?” I manage to ask, even though the rest of my body is in shock.
