Page 55 of Deceiving an Earl
She could not have said no to tonight, to this moment. She’d wanted it more than she’d wanted almost anything else, but it did not make her feel complete. It did not give her a sense of closure. It made her want only what she couldn’t have—what she never could have. And that was Oliver.
But she would not regret this. She would not allow herself to regret this moment. She would store it away with her other memories of him.
Oliver pushed himself away from her and regretfully she felt him slide out of her and the warm gush of his seed run down her leg. She continued to use the side of the house for support, because she was certain her legs would not hold her weight. Not now. Not for a long time.
“Are you all right?” A white handkerchief appeared in front of her, and she looked up at him blankly.
“I’m fine.” She whispered the lie. Not the biggest lie she’d ever told. No, that was reserved for Oliver as well, but a lie nonetheless. Had she really thought that making love to Oliver would banish her feelings for him once and for all? Had she hoped that making love would not be as wonderful as she had remembered? Even against a wall, in the middle of a ball, it had been magnificent. She could only imagine what it would be like if they were in a proper bed with more time to devote to each other.
But, no. That would never happen. She could not allow Oliver in her life like that.
She took the handkerchief and balled it up in her fist, fighting tears for all that she wanted that could not be.
“Ellen—”
She held up her hand to stop whatever he was going to say.
“Please, don’t,” she said, so close to tears.
He stepped forward and pulled her to him, and she was so weak when it came to Oliver that she fell against him.
“Next time it will be in a proper bed and we will take our time and we will wake up together in the morning.”
He pulled away to look down on her, but she couldn’t make herself look him in the eye and tell him that there couldn’t be a next time or a morning together. For just one small moment she wanted to believe everything he said. She wanted to believe in a possible future.
“Things were different back then,” he said. “I understand now that there were obligations you felt you couldn’t get out of, but those are no longer relevant. We can do this. There is nothing standing in our way.”
Ellen buried her head in his chest and inhaled his scent.Tell him no. Tell him that could never happen. Tell him that there are more obstacles than he could possibly imagine.
But she stayed silent and dreamed of a future without obstacles, of a future with Oliver.
He kissed her on the forehead and then each cheek. “We should go back before we are missed. You go in first and I will follow in a few minutes.”
She pressed her fingers to her forehead and closed her eyes. “You go ahead. I’d like a few minutes alone.”
He took her shoulders, and she looked up at him. The moonlight shone in his hair, making it white. His eyes glistened. “From now on things will be right. I will make them right between us.”
She nodded, her gaze sliding away.
“I’ll wait for you in the ballroom. Don’t take too long out here by yourself.”
He hesitated then disappeared into the darkness.
She stifled a sob, pressing her fist against her mouth. She couldn’t cry now. Her nose would be red and her cheeks blotchy and everyone would know she’d been crying.
Hold it together, Ellen. At least until you’re home.
Her body shook from suppressed sobs, from anger that things couldn’t be the way Oliver wanted them and sadness that there were so many lies between them and so many other emotions that she couldn’t name.
She wanted it. All of it. All the memories and the sensations and the mind-numbing release that only Oliver had ever been able to pull out of her. She wanted to kiss him again and feel his skin against hers. Shewantedto feel him sliding inside her.
And now that she’d had all of that, she felt empty, hollowed, a shell of herself. Like she’d been stripped bare and had nothing left to give.
Having Oliver again reminded her only of how alone she really was.
She straightened and fluffed her skirts, then touched her hair to make sure that all the pins were in place.
Shaking her shoulders, she adjusted her bodice and cupped her still swollen breasts to make sure they were firmly in place.
