Page 118 of Every Broken Piece
Before rounding the island, I grab two waters and settle onto the stool. Gabe twists the caps off the waters, hands me mine and holds his out so we can clink bottles.
“To sunset hikes,” he says.
“To sleeping next to each other.” It’s probably one of the boldest things I’ve ever said. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s one in the morning and it seems as if we’re the only two awake. Maybe it’s me wanting to be a little more bold. Take some chances that I’d never dare take in the light of day. Maybe I’m testing the waters, prodding just a little to see what happens.
Gabe stills, his eyes widening in surprise. He leans forward and kisses me softly, quickly, before pulling back. “To midnight kisses,” he whispers.
I look down at my plate, my boldness slipping a little. “To homemade sandwiches on uneven bread.”
He tilts my chin up with his thumb. “To friendship.”
“To maybe, someday, more than friendship.”
He breathes out, like I sucker punched him in the stomach. “Not someday, Spitfire. Now.”
I swallow and rotate my stool so we’re facing each other. He adjusts my legs until my knees are pressed between his inner thighs. I put my bottle on the counter. My boldness takes a beating from my fears, but I don’t back down. For once I want to be brave.
Or maybe this is the first time I’ve wanted something enough to fight my demons over it.
“I want that,” I say. “I want more than friendship, but I’m afraid.”
He takes my good hand in his and places it to his heart. “I know you are. But I’m right here, ready to help you conquer that fear whenever you’re ready.”
My fingers curl against his warm skin, pressing atop his thundering heart. “Too many people have hurt me in the past and I don’t want you to be one of them.”
He opens his mouth, but I speak quickly, before he can say anything.
“I survived all the hurt. I learned to use it to make myself stronger. But this is different. What I feel for you is so enormous, so frightening, so beautiful, so delicate. If I give myself to you and you hurt me, I’ll never be the same again. Iwantto give myself to you. Iwantto say the words. But I’m so damn scared.”
“I’m scared too,” he says. “I know what it’s like to lose the love of your life. I’ve lived through it and never want to go back to that dark place again. But for you I’ll risk everything.”
“We’re two broken souls.”
“Maybe two broken souls can find love. Maybe two broken souls can learn to heal each other.”
“I hope so,” I whisper. What I don’t say is that I hope I’m not making the worst decision of my life. Living alone, isolating myself from the world was safe, easy. But I’m tired of safe and easy. I want to live. I want to live without fear. I want to know what it’s like to love so deeply it hurts.
But loving that deeply can also destroy and I don’t want to be destroyed. I don’t want to destroy Gabe. He deserves a second chance at happiness.
Don’t I deserve a first chance?
“I’m all in, Tess. I want it all with you.”
“How can you be so sure of that? We barely know each other.”
“Isn’t that the joy of the journey? Learning each other? I know enough about you to realize you’re special to me. It’s right here.” He uses my hand to tap his heart. “The heart knows what the mind doesn’t. What does your heart tell you, Tess?”
“My heart tells me that it’s too late.”
He draws in a ragged breath, his face falling.
I lean forward. “My heart tells me that it’s too late to turn back now because I don’t want to live with the what ifs or the regrets. I’m scared but not scared enough to walk away.”
His smile is relief and love and desire. It’s sunset hikes and overnight cuddles and bubble gum toothpaste and so many warm blankets.
He releases my hand to lift me off my stool and place me on his lap so that my legs straddle his hips.
He kisses me.
