Page 54 of Stay With Me
Our conversation gets cut short when Jess and Joe come in, and we turn to lighter topics.
Even with all my worries about everything happening, watching some of the people I care about the most together in the same room, having a good time, makes me realize that everything isn’t that bad. I need to remember to stay in the moment, something I never allowed myself to do until Jess came to town. Experiencing how quickly everything moves and having her around makes me appreciate the small moments so much more. So for the rest of the day, I push thoughts of The Family to the back of my mind and focus on spending time with people I care about.
TWENTY-SIX
Luna
JessandIarecurled up on the couch, watching one of her new favorite shows about wildlife. As the credits start to roll, I grab the remote and turn the TV off.
When I turn to tell her it’s time to get ready for bed, she asks me, “Do you ever miss The Family?”
I pause.
Her therapist mentioned that Jess might start asking questions as she works through everything.
I take a deep breath. “The answer is complicated.” I lean back onto the couch and turn toward her, tucking a leg under me. “I started questioning things that happened in The Family when I was younger than you. To be honest, I don’t know why a lot of the teachings didn’t feel right to me. In my heart of hearts, I knew something wasn’t right. The older I got, the more I knew I wasn’t meant to be there.” I watch her as she fiddles with the bottom of her shirt. “I will tell you, I miss the carefree, off-the-grid way of life, but not enough to go back. Does that make sense?”
She shrugs. “Sometimes I think it was easier back with them.”
My heart breaks because I know the feeling.
The first six months of being on the run, I thought the same thing, that I should go back and just take the punishment and move forward. “I can understand that. Is there anything that’s happening that you’re uncomfortable with? Or don’t understand why we’re doing it?”
With a sigh, she shakes her head. “Everyone is so nice, and no one has tried to kill me. I just don’t know who to believe. Why would Father and the elders lie to us about the outside world being so bad if I can’t find a single reason for him to think that? My therapist says some people just like to be in control and that sometimes it can’t be explained. Do you know when The Family started? Or why?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. The little I have been able to put together is that I’m a second-generation child born into The Family. But we’re meeting with the FBI soon, and the person we are talking to knows everything about them. So maybe if you can write down some of the questions you have, I can ask them and get answers for you.”
“Can I be there when you talk to them?”
Until right now, I was confident in my choice to not have her there, but now, I’m worried she’ll be upset with my decision. “No, you won’t be talking to them, and the only reason I’m saying no is because I don’t know the person we’ll be talking to, and I don’t know what will be said. You’re either going to hang out with Am at the farm or with Sam at his house while it’s happening, and I promise I’ll tell you everything that I can.”
“If you don’t know the person, why are you talking to them?” she asks.
“Because Noah trusts them, and I trust Noah,” I admit.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I trust Noah too. Do you think we can have ice cream tomorrow after dinner?” she asks.
I can’t help but laugh.
She was forced to act so much older in The Family. But as the days go on, she allows herself to be a child, and I’m so happy she’s been given that.
“I think we can make that happen. But do you have any more questions for me? You know I’ll answer anything I can.”
“No, it’s just really hard to think that everything we were taught might not be right. And if they aren’t right, who is?”
“That’s a good question. And, unfortunately, one I don’t have the answer to. In a way, I think everyone tells you a version of their truth, and it’s up to us to determine if it’s something we believe in. My rule of thumb is that I will always do some sort of research and hear both sides before I come to a conclusion. I might agree with one side or both.”
“That makes sense. I did learn about Google a couple of weeks ago, but Ms. Cassidy said we can’t believe everything we read on the internet.”
“That’s true, and if you ever have a question about something you’re being told or are reading, you can always come to Noah and me, and we’ll help the best we can.”
“Can I ask Sam, Am, Abby, or Pam too?”
“Yup.”
