Page 91 of Stay With Me
Sittingattheislandwaiting for Jess to get up, I check my phone to see if Noah has messaged me. He got called into work in the middle of the night because of a fight at The Bar.
It had to be bad if Sarah called the sheriff’s department for help. I texted the girls to see if anyone heard anything since I didn’t want to bother Noah, but no one had.
Down the hall, I hear the toilet flush and water running, so I head to the pantry to get stuff to make pancakes for breakfast.
As I start to cook, Jess comes into the kitchen. I look over my shoulder and smile when I see that she’s wearing one of the cute outfits I bought her a few weeks ago.
At first, she would only wear clothes that were similar to what we wore in The Family—long dresses with long sleeves. I didn’t push, hoping she would branch out eventually, and if she didn’t, that was okay too.
“Good morning! Did you sleep well?” I ask her.
“Yeah. I did get woken up by the thunder but fell back asleep soon after,” she says as she pulls her chair out.
“Yeah, I learned the storms out here are louder than in Utah.”
“They are, but Mrs. Cassidy said that storms are good for the earth sometimes.”
“Oh yeah? Did she tell you why?” I ask.
“A little.” And she explains why storms are good for the environment.
“I didn’t know any of that. It’s cool to learn about how much of an impact a storm can have.”
“Me either. I enjoy learning new things,” she says as she grabs a couple of pancakes.
“I do too. I feel like I learn so much every day.”
“Have you thought about going to school again?” she asks around a bite of food.
“I have. I just can’t yet, but soon I’ll be able to look into it, and then we can study together.”
“Do you know what you would like to study?”
I think about it because I know I’ve talked to Noah about this, but I still really don’t know. “I’m not sure yet. Maybe something with graphic design and web design. I enjoy doing that for Joe and Ann. Amelia even asked me to look at hers as well to see if I can help her out.”
I pull my chair out to sit next to her, but when my phone dings, I grab it. It’s an email from the school sent to the account Noah set up. It’s specifically for correspondence related to Jess’s school stuff and comes to both of us. He set up what he called a family email so that when emails come in for whatever she’s signed up for, we both know what’s going on.
Clicking the email, I see that it’s a welcome email from her new teacher with a list of things she’ll need for the start of the school year. I scroll through the list and am shocked at the number of things they want her to have. I set my phone down and giggle to myself. Every day I’m shown how little I know about the outside world, even though I have been in it for ten years.
“What’s so funny?” Jess asks mid-bite.
“I just got the list of stuff you’ll need to start school, and I thought all you need is some pens and paper. This list is huge, but I think some things are for the whole class,” I say and start to cut my pancakes.
She looks down at her plate. “If it’s too much, you don’t have to get me anything. I don’t want to be a burden.”
I freeze. “It’s not too much. I was just surprised. I’ve never gone to school, so I wasn’t sure what you would need. I promise that you are not and never have been a burden.” I place my hand over hers and squeeze it. I hate that she feels this way. “Have Noah or I made you feel this way?”
She shakes her head. “Everyone has been really nice. I don’t fully understand why because we were taught outsiders were mean and would never welcome us since they are all sinners, but I’m struggling to see that. Uncle Sam would never do anything to hurt me. Neither would my teacher or anyone else I’ve met since coming here. Why did they teach us that?”
This isn’t the first time she’s questioned the ways of The Family since she’s been with me, and I doubt it will be the last.
Just like last time, I struggle to find the words to explain that the people we called family are not good people. I feel like it should be simple to put into words, but I remember wanting to lock myself in my hotel room after piecing things together once I escaped. It felt like a rug was pulled out from under me, and I had nowhere to fall. I don’t want it to be like that for her.
Taking a deep breath, I try to explain why The Family is the way they are in terms she’ll understand. “Sometimes people start with what they think are the right intentions but lose themselves along the way. From what the special agents told us, Father was not happy with his place in his family. So he left and started his own. Because he wanted to control his own family, I believe he convinced everyone that the outside world was bad and that all the people who weren’t willing to join The Familywere bad people. Don’t get me wrong, there are bad people out here, but not everyone is.”
Her eyebrows pinch together as she processes what I told her. “So sometimes people think they are doing something good, but it’s really bad?”
I nod. “Sometimes. Other times, some people are just bad and try to make people think they’re good.”
