Page 14 of Love Undecided
When I don't answer her, she continues, "I know I don't have to tell you this is a dangerous game you are playing with your body, Katarina."
Tap. Tap.
"No, you don't have to tell me that. But, it's not like I'm not dying already anyway."
"Is that going to be your excuse?"
"Isn't that enough?" I ask.
She just looks at me.
Tap. Tap.
"Look, I know it's bad for me," I say. “And I shouldn't do it and blah, blah, blah, but I need this sometimes. There's just too much to deal with otherwise."
"Okay, let's talk about that. What is too much to deal with?"
"All of it. Giving a fuck, work, men, sex, Brad, cancer, my friends, being nice to people, doctor's appointments, giving a fuck, you name it."
"I thought you took a leave of absence from work?" she asks.
"I did, but I'm helping the SSPD and SSIHT with another case."
"Is that taking a lot of your time?"
"Not so much, so far, no."
“Tell me about Brad.”
“Nothing has changed. We aren’t together, which is good. We are still in contact, which is bad. He has a girlfriend. I have other things.”
“Why is it bad that you are in contact and good that you aren’t together?”
“You know why.”
Tap. Tap.
“Why don’t you tell me anyway,” she says.
“His mom died of cancer. And it was horrible for him and his brother and dad. They watched her suffer for so long. But even if that hadn’t happened, I don’t want anyone to sit around and watch me die. Especially not so young.”
“Would it be different if you were older?”
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“Because then we would have spent our life together and it’s more expected.”
“But you could be spending your life together now. Because, unless I’m missing something, you aren’t dead.”
I stay silent. I don’t really have a response to that. At least not one that I don’t feel like I’ve already shared with her a million times before.
“Tell me this, would it be any different if you were healthy and you died in a car crash suddenly?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
