Page 16 of Love Undecided
"I don't know . . . it's like the worst of the worst has happened, right? I've got terminal cancer, and it just keeps sucking away at all the good that is in my life. It's cost me my health, which I was pretty partial to. A career that I not only enjoyed but excelled at. The man I loved more than anything. My hair, pieces of my boobs, time.
“God, it's sucked up so much fucking time in my life. So, really, it can't get any worse. Which means I have nothing to lose by pushing the limits to see what I can get away with fucking up."
"What makes you think that having sex with this man is fucking things up?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?" I ask.
She says nothing.
I wait.
Tap. Tap.
"Well, I mean, he's kind of a co-worker, at the very least I'm working with him. Sleeping with him would jeopardize our working relationship, which could potentially mess up the case."
"Is that really how you feel, or are you telling me what you think I want to hear?"
I pause for a minute to pick imaginary lint off my shirt while she taps her pencil some more.
"Both. I mean, I'll be honest, I really don't give a fuck about anyone else's problems. I don't care about the crimes being committed, I don't care who it's affecting, and I don't care if the bad guy wasting water gets caught. All I care about is me."
"I think, under the circumstances, that is a perfectly normal emotion to have."
"But if I weren't dying, it would make me a horrible bitch, right?"
"Not necessarily," she says.
She goes on to explain what she means and essentially validates my feelings while still criticizing my behavior.
Realizing my appointment is near over, I feel the need to say one last thing before I leave.
"It's remarkable how you are able to make me feel like such shit about myself in such a supportive manner."
She nods back at me, a thoughtful look on her face, but says nothing.
Tap. Tap.
Regardless, I make sure I have another appointment scheduled before I leave, then text Bauer to let him know I’m on my way.
